Hide and Seek by Cally Larson
~Chapter Five~
Daniel cracked an eye open, the afternoon sun pouring in through the half open curtains.
He didn’t have a headache because he hadn’t gotten drunk last night.
But his heart hurt, horribly.
His arms were stiff and he realized that he hadn’t moved from his position since he fell asleep the night before.
Where he had fallen asleep holding him.
Daniel smiled as he brushed a hand against Darren’s pale cheek.
It was only in sleep now, that he looked peaceful, and he hoped his dreams were the same.
Unfortunately he knew most of the time his friend woke up in the middle of the night from some horrible image that left him shaking the rest of the day.
Daniel leant his head against the wall and just watched him.
And he started to think things again.
Things that he usually tried to ignore or he was too busy to figure them out.
“Oh Dazza.” Daniel whispered, stroking his forehead.
Darren moved against his hand, lips parting as he came back to consciousness.
“Hey.”
A sliver of blue and a small smile answered him, “Hey.”
“Feeling all right?”
Darren nodded, rubbing at his eyes, seeming to panic when he realized he wasn’t in his own bed.
But Daniel’s gentle smile made him relax and he snuggled deeper into his arms.
They lay like that for a while longer, Darren eventually nodding off again.
Daniel got up, stumbled into the bathroom, debating on whether to take a shower or not.
The need for cleanliness won out.
He turned the water to a lower pressure than normal, just in case Darren should call.
The hot liquid cascaded down his shoulders, and Daniel sighed, feeling very relaxed. For a while, he just leaned against the tiled wall and let the water run down his body.
When Daniel finally emerged from the bathroom, towel wrapped around his waist, he saw that Darren had gotten up.
“Dar?” Daniel came out to the kitchen to see Darren making coffee.
“Hi Danny.” Darren answered, back facing him.
When he turned around he almost dropped the two mugs in his hands.
Daniel suddenly blushed, realizing he was half naked.
Darren smiled, but looked very uneasy, “W- want some coffee?”
Daniel wrapped the towel tighter around him, “Yeah- sure- let me get dressed first.”
He hurried into his room, cursing himself for not thinking.
Throwing on an old shirt and pants, he took another set of clothes for Darren to wear.
“Hey- thought you’d like something to wear besides a robe.” Daniel smiled, trying to lighten the mood.
Darren was sitting at the table, sipping his coffee, “Oh- thanks- um- but I have my clothes from yesterday-.”
Daniel bit his lip, thinking of the blood stains, “Dazza- why don’t I um- why don’t I run those through the wash-”
He put the clothes on the table, frowning as he saw Darren shudder.
“Did you sleep okay?”
Darren nodded, but said nothing else.
Daniel sighed, gulping his coffee down. He could feel a headache coming on, “Would you like me to make you any breakfast?”
Darren shook his head, “I’m not very hungry.”
Daniel bit his lip, seeing how much more distinct the singer’s cheekbones were becoming, “You have to eat Dazza.”
The singer frowned, whispering weakly, “I can’t.”
Daniel studied his face, “Why not?”
Darren obviously didn’t want to be questioned and he drew further into himself, “I- I just can’t.”
Daniel reached across the table, taking a hold of his hands.
Darren looked up at him in surprise.
“Dazza- mate- will you please... just have a little something? You’ve lost so much-.” He stopped, noticing a single tear falling down Darren’s cheek.
On impulse Daniel was out of his seat and holding Darren in his arms in an instant.
Darren didn’t start crying, he just kind of went limp.
“Do you want to lie down?” Daniel whispered, pulling the singer closer to him.
Darren didn’t answer him at first, then he said in a tiny voice, “Just hold me Jonesy.”
Daniel felt something warm in his heart, and he smiled, “Of course Dazza. I’m right here.”
The blasted phone broke the moment.
Daniel looked up at the offending object, not knowing whether to let Darren go or not.
Darren drew back himself, and Daniel picked the receiver up.
It was Leonie, wanting to know where the hell he was, and why he hadn’t shown up for a soundcheck.
Daniel apologized, but refused to give any details on what he had been up to.
“See you tonight Leonie.” He hung up the phone, and looked at Darren.
The singer had huddled himself up into a little ball on the chair.
He was staring at the floor.
“Hey.” Daniel whispered, coming around and placing his hands on Darren’s shoulders, “Why don’t you come lay down for a little bit, I’ll bring you some breakfast.”
Darren didn’t argue as Daniel pulled him up and laid him back into bed.
“I’ll be right back.” Daniel would not think about the kiss he placed on Darren’s forehead until much later that day when his emotions weren’t so high-strung.
Ten minutes later he was back with oatmeal and a glass of water, the only breakfast Darren ever ate besides coffee.
The corners of Darren’s lips turned up when he saw the cinnamon sprinkled into the shape of a smiley face.
Daniel grinned, “Thought you might need some cheering up.” He set the tray on Darren’s lap, then stood awkward, not knowing what to do next.
Darren hesitated as he held the spoon in his hand.
It trembled, and he looked up at Daniel for encouragement.
“Here.” Daniel sat at the bedside and dipped his finger into the oatmeal, bringing it to his lips, “Mm- did a pretty good job with that instant stuff.”
Darren smiled and tried a little for himself.
“Good?”
The singer nodded, “Thank you.” A pause, “It tastes good.”
Daniel sat back, proud that he was able to make Darren feel some happiness.
As Darren ate, Daniel pretended to make himself busy in the room. He tidied up, put clothes away-
Just sitting with nothing to say would make things too awkward, but at least this way he could still keep a watchful eye.
Darren put the spoon down; he had made decent progress- Daniel knew not to expect more than half the bowl to be finished.
“Full?”
Darren nodded and sighed as the tray was taken away from him, looking confused.
“Why don’t you go back to sleep Dar.” Daniel straightened up the bedclothes, but Darren had other ideas.
He got out of bed quickly, looking around for something to wear, “I really should go home- I don’t want to intrude on you any more than I-.”
“Oh it’s no problem.” Daniel grinned at him, “It’s nice to have some company.”
Darren shrugged, “If I hadn’t made a scene, you would’ve had a girl in your bed instead of me.” He was shaking from nerves, or shivering from the cold-
Daniel couldn’t understand why he should feel either of those, “Darren- it’s not a problem- I should’ve kicked that loser’s ass last night. He had no right to do that to you.”
Darren sighed, “People don’t care when they're drunk... you should know what that’s like.”
For some reason Daniel wasn’t offended, he was worried by the comment, hoping and praying that he never did anything to hurt Darren when in one of his many drunken moments over the years.
Darren seemed to read his mind, “You’ve never done anything to me Danny- don’t worry.”
Daniel bit his lip, risking a question, “Did he really touch you last night Darren?”
The singer went rigid, backing up against the doorframe, “I- I don’t think it really matters Danny-.”
Daniel fumed, “That son of a bitch-.” He clenched his fists, “Shit- and no one said anything?!”
Darren looked down at the floor, ashamed, “No one saw it- I was sitting down, against the wall...”
“I’m sorry.” Daniel whispered, drawing in a breath, “I’m sorry I left you- this is my fault-.”
“Jonesy- no-.” Darren spoke up, “Guess they just like to target me more then other people-.”
The singer’s eyes widened when he realized the major slip-up.
Daniel was already moving towards him, “This has happened before? Someone else has done this to you?!”
Darren cowered in the corner; Daniel didn’t even realize how threatening he sounded.
“Who’s the motherfucker, Darren?! God damnit! Why didn’t you tell me?! Why the fuck- tell me and I swear to God I’ll-.” Daniel stopped in mid-sentence.
Darren had sunk to the floor, tears streaming down his cheeks.
Daniel closed his mouth, heart crashing in his chest, “Gods- Daz- oh Dazza- I’m sorry-.” He bent down and pulled Darren into his arms, “I’m sorry.” He whispered, “I wasn’t thinking- don’t be scared- it’s all right.”
Darren was not shaking, he wasn’t even crying anymore; just a blank expression had fallen over his eyes, like a kind of mask.
“I can cancel rehearsal tonight- if you’d like.” Daniel offered, feeling like a jackass.
Darren shook his head, voice wavering, “Leonie will throw a fit-.”
“Eh- I can deal with her.” He hesitated, “Do you want me to take you home?”
Darren paused, then nodded, “I- I’m sorry.”
“No-.” Daniel gave a little squeeze, “I understand.”
They both stood up.
Their eyes locked, Daniel’s full of concern, Darren’s full of worry.
And something strange happened.
At least in Daniel’s mind, because he still had his hands on Darren’s shoulders, and was leaning in closer to hear what Darren had to say.
Except that Darren hadn’t said anything, and his parted lips suggested something else.
Daniel moved closer, Darren closed his eyes.
And time stopped, neither breathed.
“I need to get cleaned up.”
Darren had backed away, his eyes unreadable.
And Daniel just stood there with his mouth open, cursing what had just happened-
Absolutely nothing.
~Chapter Six~
God damnit!
It just wasn’t my day.
Besides the fact that I played like shit and dropped an amp on my foot, Darren wouldn’t even look at me during the entire run-through.
He wouldn’t really look at *anyone* but still, the way he didn’t look at *me* was what has me on edge.
I pushed it too far Saturday morning.
Getting pleasantly buzzed that night helped a little, but life always sucks when you’re sober.
Monday night, and I was pissed off at everything that happened.
It wasn’t raining, but it should have been.
And who goes to pick up chicks on a Monday night at the bar?
I do.
So that’s why I was sitting at the new place that just opened up on Fifth Street, happily checking out the young ladies that happened to be in my peripheral vision.
It was too new to be filled with the typical smoky haze; I decided to add my contribution by lighting up.
Past the smoke ring I blew out with talent, I noticed something.
In the far corner a man was sitting with his back to me, spiky black hair, wearing leather.
I studied the form, my heart starting to pound.
That couldn’t possibly be-
It wasn’t.
The man turned his head, his eyes were smaller, his nose longer, it wasn’t him.
Disappointed, I settled back onto the bar stool and took another taste of the scotch.
It wasn’t bad.
Wasn’t good either, but I was too wrapped up in my thoughts to care.
Dazza Hayes, what *am* I going to do with you.
I muttered his name again, noticing someone walk past.
Nope- too tall-
Why did everyone seem to look like Darren from behind tonight?
My head was swimming, and it wasn’t from the alcohol, I hadn’t even finished my first drink.
I got up- leaving the glass for someone to filtch.
I had to see him-
We had to talk.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
It ended up being Tuesday morning before I could get the nerve to talk to him.
He was home of course.
And quite surprised to see me standing there, flustered.
“Daniel, come in- has something happened?”
I just enveloped him into a bear hug, not caring that he was as tense as a pulled rubber band.
“Dazza- we’re going to discuss some things.”
Darren’s eyes went from surprise to scared in an instant.
“It’s nothing bad.” I whispered, closing the door myself and leading him into the kitchen. “Do want some tea?”
Darren stopped me as I started to rummage through the cabinets.
“Danny- let *me* serve you.” He motioned towards the table, “You’re a guest- you don’t have to do that.”
I shrugged, insisting that I knew where everything was anyway and that I had intruded on him.
He still put the tea on, fidgeting.
“Yeah- so.” I fumbled for words and cursed, because I could never think of the right thing to say at the appropriate moment, “I was thinking- about Saturday.”
I paused to see his reaction.
He was actually looking at me, eyes not diverted to the floor.
“Um... I’m sorry I dragged you to Ben’s party. Really- I’m sorry.”
His eyes left me then and went straight to the tea kettle, “I- I should apologize- I ruined it for you-.”
“Dazza- stop it. It was my fault because I didn’t listen to you.”
We both sighed sadly.
When the tea was ready and when we both were facing each other, I started in on him.
“Darren- I know you’re not going to like any of this, but we’ve *got* to talk.”
Darren bit his lip, looking at his sad reflection in the mug.
I took a breath, not sure how to handle him, “Something happened to you in New York-” Darren went rigid, I had hit a nerve, “didn’t it?”
He said nothing.
“Did someone hurt you Darren?”
Again he was silent, but I saw tears in his eyes.
I pressed on, “What that asshole did to you at the Friday... you said people have done that to you before-.”
“I didn’t say anything!” He was looking frantic.
I put my hands over his, “Dazza- you can tell me what’s wrong. Come on!” I tried to smile, “It’s me- Jonesy- your best friend- I won’t hurt you- I promise.”
There was trust in his eyes, but he looked like a scared rabbit.
“Danny- I really don’t want to talk about this.”
“I know you don’t- but I think you *should*.”
He flinched and tried to release his hands from my grip.
I just held on tighter, “You can’t keep all this hurt inside of you Dazza- it’s affecting you so badly.”
Darren didn’t argue there, he just looked very broken and tired.
“Were you by yourself that entire time over there?”
He nodded somberly and I sighed.
That would probably fuck anyone up.
“Did you ever go out? To eat? To clubs?”
“Sometimes...” His hands were shaking.
I was trying to get somewhere with my questions, “Did you ever talk to anyone? Meet anybody?”
He nodded, but he obviously wasn’t remembering it fondly.
“Anyone you want to tell me about?”
“N- no.”
I wanted to just start screaming so he would be forced to tell me who hurt him, but that would shatter him like glass.
“Okay- okay- why don’t you just tell me... tell me what you did over there... did you have a nice time? You never told me much about it.”
Even I had to roll my eyes at how that sounded.
“No- I didn’t have a nice time.” At least he was honest.
“Were you lonely?”
He nodded, but I already knew that answer.
“You didn’t have to go over there you know... you could have stayed here- moved in with your parents... with me-.”
“I- I had to get out... away... from everything.”
I nodded, understanding and sent a silent curse to Colby for breaking his heart.
“Well- I know you wrote lyrics- damned good ones too,” he didn’t blush or anything as I paused, “What else did you do? See the sights?”
He shrugged, “Not really.”
I could picture him locked up in his apartment for days without seeing the sun.
And I knew that’s just what he did.
“Well- if I ever get over to New York first thing I’m doing is hitting the bars- I heard the clubs there are great!”
I couldn’t get a smile out of him and I slumped against my chair in defeat.
He looked at me, then frowned, “I’m sorry Danny- I’m sorry I can’t... open up to you.”
“Well hey-.” I sat up, “You don’t have to talk to me- you can talk to Leo, or your mum- or anyone else-.”
“I can’t.” He whispered, shaking his head, “You don’t understand.”
I bit my lip, “I wish I could... I wish you would let me.”
Big sigh, he looked guilty, confused.
“Can I tell you something Darren?”
A slight nod.
“And you won’t be offended?”
He looked up at me, and I was sure he knew what I was going to say.
“You’ve changed Dar.” I said softly, “A lot... it’s like... I don’t even know you anymore- you’re so...”
“Broken.” He finished the sentence for me, but that wasn’t the word I would have used.
“I’m just worried about you.” I whispered, “I worry about you all the time.”
He sniffled a little, “I know you do Jonesy.”
“Dazza- don’t cry mate- it’ll be okay.” I took his hands into mine again.
Darren wiped at his eyes, “I feel so... so helpless.”
“But you’re not- Darren- I’m here for you- you know that.”
“Yes.” He was close to tears, “But you can’t help me.”
“Why not?” I demanded, “I’ll be damned if I can’t find a way to pull you through this.”
“Because you just can’t Daniel! Too much damage has been done!”
“Well maybe if you’d tell me what the hell happened to you then I could see if I can help you or not!”
Darren fell silent and I just bit my tongue hard after yelling at him.
“Dazza- I’m sorry.” He pulled his hands into his lap before I could hold onto them again, “Just- be patient with me- I- I don’t know how to handle this.”
Darren looked up at me and nodded, “You don’t have to handle it all-.”
“If I was an insensitive bastard.” I gave a compassionate gaze, “But I’m not- and I’m going to help you- I promise.”
Another sniffle, he looked into my eyes and they flooded with tears, “You’re the best Danny,” I squeezed his hand, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Shh-.” And there I was in the middle of his kitchen holding him against my chest and telling him how special he was, how much he meant to everyone-
How much he meant to me.
“You should rest.” I finally murmured, lifting him to his feet.
Darren stumbled against me to his bedroom and I pushed him into the bed, shoes and all.
He sat there for a moment and I pointed to the pillow, “Sleep- I command it.”
“I’m not tired.”
I laughed, “And the bags under your eyes beg to differ- come on.” I whispered, hand on his chest, “You need to rest.”
My hand was warm, and he looked down at it.
I’m not sure why I didn’t remove it right away, but I could feel his left nipple under my ring finger and resisting the urge to not stroke it was impossible.
“So yeah- I’ll just stick around for a while.” I pulled away, his eyes were expressionless and I wondered what that meant.
“Just call if you need anything.” And I was out that door in a hurry.
Rain started to patter on the window as I sat down in the living room.
My finger was still tingling from where I had touched him.
“Dammit- I’m gonna scare him away.”
I had to stop these touches, these looks, I was getting too obvious.
But then again, I didn’t know if I should stop, because sometimes the same look was being returned to me.
And that just made things even more complicated.
~Chapter Seven~
The rain wasn’t about to let up, at least according to the weather report.
Daniel stood up and stretched, bored.
Staring out the window wasn’t much fun.
Neither was staring at the wall.
“Hmm.” He wandered around the sitting room, nothing new catching his eye. He’d been in the apartment far too many times to be intrigued by unfamiliar knickknacks.
Idleness being the work of the devil’s hands, Daniel started poking around in places he should not have been.
The desk was fairly neat, some papers of drawings and poems in a haphazard pile in the middle.
Daniel opened up the drawers, annoyed that all he found were office supplies.
“Oh come on Daz- where do you keep the porn?” He chuckled to himself, rooting around the receipts and tax records.
A bent wire stuck up from the back of the bottom drawer.
Daniel pulled at it, finding something attached.
Darren’s notebook.
Two hundred spiral-bound pages with a torn blue cover.
Every lyric and idea from the passed six years graced the dog-eared pages.
Not officially a journal, but just as private.
And Daniel had found it, staring at the faded local band stickers from Logan City peeling on their edges.
The metal wire from the binding twirled at the end in hopes that it wouldn’t break-
Tempting him to open it-
And read every secret Darren never wanted anyone to see.
He looked around, checking to see that Darren wasn’t anywhere to catch him.
If his conscience was present, Daniel didn’t hear it-
He was more curious then anything-
Figuring there would be no more then lyrics, a few rants, and a porn picture stuffed in between.
But what Daniel found inside was not what he was expecting.
There was nothing really wrong at first, because the lyrics were innocent, light-hearted, with silly drawings of cartoon characters next to tied tic-tac-toe games.
As he leafed through the years of worn pages, his features changed from an amused smile to a look of horror.
Darren’s scrawl was hard to read, but the pictures underneath the more recent entries told him enough.
The pages were warped by something spilled upon them-
He knew it was tears-
And the faded brown patches-
He knew they were blood.
The angry black sweep of a pen or pencil, pictures of hate, of fear, of pain stared up into his stunned eyes.
The lyrics were so dark and turbulent they could very well have been suicide notes.
Daniel was looking at all of Darren’s pain straight in the face.
And it absolutely terrified him.
More pictures of figures running, demons, fire and hell.
Knives soaked in blood, death, screaming-
One page merely had the word “pain” written in big, reddish brown letters.
Daniel shuddered at how it soaked through two pages after.
Another was even worse, completely covered with dried blood and “Death” scrawled clumsily over it.
“Oh my God.” Daniel slowly whispered, physically shaking as he lowered to the ground.
More pages with lyrics describing hurt, fear and images so graphic Daniel could not even finish them out.
If all that wasn’t enough, the newest markings made the tears that had been forming finally make themselves known.
There were no horrible pictures, or lyrics.
Just one word written very slowly and deliberately.
Soon.
The page was stained with a flood of tears-
And new ones were being added as Daniel started to cry.
Not caring how angry Darren would be, Daniel had to find him as soon as he could, and get him help.
Clutching the notebook with his trembling hands he hurried out of the room in tears.
Once there was a little boy who smiled a lot
Because he played with his friends in the sand box at the park
The little girl across the street gave him a ring that said ‘I love you’
And his teacher gave him stickers for trying his best, even though he wasn’t very smart
Once there was a small boy who tried to smile
Because his mother told him to, even when he was not happy
His best friend touched him in places that made him uncomfortable
And kissed his mouth, and told him not to be scared
Once there was a boy who never smiled
Because he knew he could not be accepted for who he was
He kissed another boy in his class because he liked him
And the other boy punched him in the face and laughed at the blood
Once there was a teenage boy who cried a lot
Because his girl cheated on him with another boy
His parents found him in the bathroom with a knife and sleeping pills
And they took him to a place where the doctors tied him to the bed and whispered
Once there was a young man who did not cry as much
Because his partner would hit him if he did
He wore long sleeves in the summer so people wouldn’t ask questions about the marks
And he threw up in the bathroom every night because sometimes the pain was too much
And once there was a man who never cried
Because showing emotion only made things worse and people stared
He hid from the world in the dark, so no one would find him
And he took his old knife and he slashed both his wrists-
And he smiled again, because there was nothing to feel-
Because there was nothing at all-
And he was finally free.
~Chapter Eight~
I found him sleeping.
Curled up in a little ball, half buried under his grandmother’s quilt.
My eyes painted a halo around his head.
And here I stood, holding his entire life in my hands, about to destroy the peace.
I did not wake him up, instead, I chose to sit myself at his bedside, and just watch.
As the minutes ticked by, my courage was beginning to slip.
Maybe I shouldn’t be here.
Maybe I should just write a little note and tell him to come talk to me.
Maybe I shouldn’t even do that-
A little sigh, almost a squeak as Darren stretched his arms out, waking up.
Oh shit.
My fake smile greeted his sleepy eyes, as he looked around, adjusting to the low light.
“Danny?” he rubbed at his eyes, sitting up, “What are you doing here?”
“Hi.” My voice sounded pathetically sheepish, and I found myself blushing, “I was- um- just checking to see how you were doing.”
He raised an eyebrow, seeing that I had something hidden behind my back.
His eyes turned mischievous, “Whatcha got there?” He pointed, “Something for me?”
I winced at how playful he sounded, hopeful that maybe I had brought him a gift.
“Um- Darren- I need to talk to you- if that’s okay?”
The smile was gone, and there was so much fear in his eyes that I suddenly wished I’d never invaded his personal life.
“Is something the matter Daniel?”
His voice was trembling so much the words tumbled out in short waves.
“Darren, mate, it’s okay.” I put my hand on his shoulder and felt him shiver, “I just need to talk to you about some things okay?”
Defensives up, “Look, if it’s about the- the marks- they’re not what you think-.”
“It’s not that,” though it *was* a part of so many other things-
With a sad sigh I revealed his precious notebook and I watched all the color drain from his already pale face.
Darren just stared at it, and I stared at him, watching for any reaction.
“Dazza,” I kept my voice a steady hush, “Is this yours?”
He nodded, and I couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes.
“Darren- I’m sorry- I’m sorry I found this- I know you don’t want anyone to see this but-.”
“I don’t keep it out for anyone to 'just find’.” His voice was hoarse and deliberate- if he wasn’t so terrified it might have been angry.
I lowered my head, ashamed, “No- you don’t.” A regretful sigh, “I know I shouldn’t have been-.”
“No Daniel.” Tears were in his eyes, “You shouldn’t have.”
“But Darren- all of this.” I looked down helplessly at the notebook, “I- I just-.”
“Should mind your own goddamn business!” Anger in his voice now, he tore the book away from my hands, “You can’t breathe a word of this to anyone-”
“I won’t!” I held my hands up in surrender, a little surprised, a little embarrassed.
The anger left his eyes, and he looked down at the blue torn cover, running a shaking hand across it.
“Darren?” I touched his hand and he flinched, backing up five miles. “I’m not going to hurt you.” I whispered, not moving, holding my hands out in a sign of peace.
He was visibly shaking, clutching the notebook to his chest, “You know everything now Danny!” Tears came on cue, “Everything! Everything no one’s supposed to know!”
“Dar-.” I found my own voice cracking, “I’m so sorry mate- I only want to help you-.”
“You can’t!” He was in the corner now, looking like I was about to hit him, “No one can help me Danny- you don’t understand!”
“I understand that you’re hurting. I understand that you don’t want to be alone.” I kept my voice as soft and even as I could.
Darren just stared up at me, his eyes blank.
I inched my way slowly towards him, making him huddle even closer into himself.
“Dazza-.” I whispered, reaching out a hand to him, “Shh-.” I felt as if I were trapping a helpless animal in the corner to be shot.
“Please don’t touch me.” He squeaked, and I had never seen him so terrified.
Now fully regretting not planning this out beforehand, I mentally kicked myself harder then usual.
“Darren- do you want me to leave?”
He bit his lip, and I couldn’t even begin to imagine the inner turmoil.
“Dazza-.” I spoke a little louder, “Do you want to be left alone?”
Darren flinched at that last word and it was taking everything I could not to wrap him up in my arms.
I sat on my heels, right in front of him, “Do you want to go lay down?”
Pretending to play therapist made me almost as scared as Darren, but I was trying to put myself in his shoes.
If I were hiding in the corner with the room shaking, I’d want to be comfortable.
He was crying softly to himself, not even looking at me anymore.
I looked around the room, frantically thinking of what to do- I’d never been in a situation even close to something like this.
Then I saw the faded, white fabric and I grabbed it off the bed.
“Shh-.” I whispered, placing the security blanket around his shoulders.
He disappeared under the quilt in an instant, and I sat back, not knowing what the hell to do.
So, I said to myself- cynic on full force, here you have your best friend, hiding under a blanket in the corner of his bedroom, sobbing because you had to be an insensitive bastard and go poking around his privacy.
“Dammit.” I wrung my hands.
There was no way I was just going to leave him like that, but I felt like such a pathetic looser I just wanted to go hide in my *own* bedroom.
Darren hid under that quilt for quite a long time.
The trembling patchwork was the only way I knew he hadn’t suffocated.
I finally couldn’t stand it anymore and I pulled him against me, which turned out to be a very bad idea.
Darren let out a screech, scaring the shit out of me, and probably the rest of the apartment building.
“Dazza- shh!” I tried to shut him up so no angry tenant would come pounding on the door.
At least he still has some volume, I thought bitterly as he screamed, kicked, clawed, tried to get away from me.
I thought he had finally snapped for a moment, and then I stopped, when I figured out why anyone would do something like that.
He thought I was one of them.
One of the many people that had broke him in his short life.
The abusive partner he spoke of in that poem perhaps?
Maybe someone else-
I let him go, let him scurry under the bed, the mattress skirt hiding any trace that someone was there.
“Fucking hell.” I muttered, I’d probably never get him out.
Muffled whimpers-
Jesus- I wanted to start crying myself.
Pace around the room, run a hole in the carpet.
That was one option.
I chose a different plan of attack, scribbling in his notebook.
Very carefully I pushed it under to him with the pencil, hoping he would look at it and maybe even reply.
I sat down on the carpet, and waited.
After a while the notebook slowly crept from the bed.
And I smiled.
This is what I wrote:
Let me be the one you call-
If you jump I’ll break your fall-
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night...
You’re not alone.
And this was his reply:
Promise?
I nodded, “I promise Dazza. Always.”
Shuffling under the bed.
I took that opportunity to peek in on him.
He was small enough to be able to nearly sit up straight.
“Hi.” I whispered, smiling warmly.
Darren bit his lip, blue eyes gleaming, “Hi Danny.”
“Hey.” I refrained from reaching out to touch him, “You want to come out from under there?”
He shook his head adamantly.
“Okay- okay.” Voice always hushed, “Do you feel safe under there, Dazza?”
Darren nodded, staring at me.
“Can I join you?”
He thought this one over a bit, then nodded.
“Okay.” I found out this wasn’t such a good idea as I struggled to get under the bed frame, “Fuck.” I muttered, realizing I was too big to sit up, I could only lay flat on my back- looking up at him, “Hi Dazza.”
He peered over me, and I thought I saw a hint of a smile on his lips.
It wasn’t dusty at all, and there were pillows pushed against the wall- I realized this hadn’t been the first time he went to hide here.
“Kinda nice place-.” I looked up at him, “To hang out, huh?”
He nodded slowly, his eyes were unreadable and I hoped I wasn’t making him uncomfortable.
Of course, I wasn’t in the greatest position for my lanky form at the moment and I knew my back would give me hell the next day.
Lacing my fingers behind my head, I tried to act as casual as the situation would allow.
“I could almost take a nap.” I closed my eyes, trying to pretend that this was perfectly normal.
Darren didn’t move, and wondered if I should open my eyes again.
Something touched my cheek and I sat up in surprise, immediately cursing as I banged my head on the box spring.
“Dammit!” I exclaimed, rubbing at my poor little head.
And then I smiled.
Darren was giggling beside me.
“Can’t fit under here like you can mate.” And I grinned back at him, putting a hand at my cheek, where he had touched me.
He looked away then, and I thought I saw him blush.
“Darren?” I reached, barely brushing against his face.
He didn’t resist my touch, in fact, he almost leant into it.
I nodded, caressing his flushed cheek, “It’s going to be all right. I promise.”
Darren sniffed a little.
“Do I break my promises Dazza?”
He shook his head no.
“You believe me then?”
A nod for yes.
“Okay.” I whispered, and I finally was able to pull him into a hug.
We were laying side by side, his head resting on my chest, curled against me.
It was because of the bed of course, I couldn’t sit up properly and that was the only way I could hug him.
And there was no reason for me to stop stroking his forehead, or playing with the short little spikes of his hair.
Because it all felt right-
And I never let go of those kinds of moments if I don’t have to.
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