Hide and Seek by Cally Larson
~Chapter One~
Rehearsal today.
After a week on holiday, it was very hard for Daniel to get out of his warm bed and stumble to work.
Things were very quiet in his apartment as he dressed in the morning light poking through the holes in the old curtains.
Daniel sighed as he pulled an old promo picture stuck between one of his shoes from under the bed.
“How happy he looks.” Daniel whispered, running his index finger over the pale, smiling face.
He hadn’t spoken to Darren since the beginning of their break last Friday.
Daniel wondered how he was doing, how he would look.
Tired, sad, and lonely.
Darren’s eyes told him everything the minute he walked into the theater.
Daniel was not surprised.
“Good morning.” He smiled and stood up on the stage as Darren picked his way down the aisle, trying his best to stay unnoticed.
Darren’s eyes immediately fell to the ground when he realized he’d been spotted.
“Morning.” He mumbled, hurrying passed the curtain to his dressing room.
Daniel set his guitar down and sighed sadly, fighting the urge to run off and follow him.
“Danny my boy- nice to see you still alive.” Ben clapped his shoulder and Daniel smiled, nodding.
“Carey- looks like no one tried to shoot you over break.”
Ben snorted, “'Course not- I was too drunk to say anything stupid.”
He laughed at his own joke and unsnapped his guitar case, “Ready to rock the house down?”
“Of course.” Daniel flashed his trademark grin, happy to see the rest of his faithful band mates assemble onto the stage.
“And Darren is. . .where?” Leonie shook her head, tapping her watch, “We’re five minutes behind schedule- get the diva out here-.”
Daniel winced at their manager’s words.
Darren wasn’t any louder then a mouse, his drama queen explosions had long faded away.
“I’m here Leo.” Darren shuffled in from the back.
His eyes were red, and Daniel knew he had been crying again.
Leonie nodded, putting her arm around him in an embrace, “We’re ready to start.” She whispered.
Daniel was not the only one who noticed the great change in their lead singer. His other band mates could see it too, and they carefully stepped around his emotions.
They were all worried for him.
But Darren never opened up to anyone, and prying would just make him withdraw further.
No other words were to be said, except what song to start playing.
And then the music.
It took Darren away from his pain, and the old glint would return to his eye while he pranced around the stage, singing his heart out and putting his band mates in awe of his talent.
The song ended soon enough.
Darren set the mike back on its stand and stepped out of the spotlight.
The instant the shadow hit his face, his happy, stage personality crumbled away, and he placed his eyes back at his shoes, “That was good.” He whispered, “Danny- you played very good-.”
Daniel nodded, wishing Darren would look up to see his approval.
“-played very well.” Darren cringed, as he had to correct himself with his improper use of grammar.
Not like it really mattered to anyone, but the singer never had confidence in anything he did anymore.
And that was how the rest of rehearsal went, just like it always had for the past three months.
Daniel ran his fingers across the third fret nervously as the band broke for lunch.
No one asked Darren if he would join them, for he always said no, or managed to slip out before anyone could ask.
After he had eaten, Daniel decided to invade Darren’s privacy and have a talk with his musical partner.
The door was not locked.
Daniel softly tapped, even though he already had it half way open.
Darren never did respond.
And Daniel always came in without question.
“Are you hungry?”
“Not really.”
“Do you want something to drink?”
“I’m fine.”
Daniel bit his lip at the rehearsed dialogue as Darren lay on the couch wrapped up in his grandmother’s quilt.
His security blanket.
“Sound really good today Dazza.” Daniel kept his voice very quiet, Darren looked distracted.
“Thanks.” He murmured, he was staring at the corner of the rug.
“Did you have a nice break?”
Darren blinked, then shrugged, “Nothing special happened.”
Daniel tentatively moved to sit in a chair facing the singer, “Same here- did nothing but sleep and eat.”
“And drink.” Darren added, smiling slightly.
Daniel grinned, “Oh now- I didn’t drink that much- not like you do.”
“I don’t drink Danny.” Darren whispered, his smile disappearing immediately.
Daniel sat back, and frowned, “I know you don’t Dazzy- I was kidding.”
“Oh.”
Daniel drew in a breath, wondering how anyone could function with such a low disposition.
“You know Ben’s throwing a big party the weekend.”
Darren looked up, suddenly interested, “Where?”
“His place- we’re all gonna get plastered- it’ll be great.” Daniel playfully punched Darren’s arms, “Go get us some girls- come on Daz- you gotta come with.”
Darren seemed to think about this, his large blue eyes were unreadable, “Who’s going to be there?”
Daniel shrugged, “I dunno- bunch of Ben’s roadies, whoever he invites- you can bring friends if you want- he doesn’t care.”
“I don’t know Danny.” Darren’s voice was so quiet now, Daniel could barely hear him, “I don’t like to be around drunk people.”
“Aw Daz- we’re not gonna get that wasted- just going to have a little party- get pumped up for recording coming up.”
Darren looked doubtful, “I- I don’t think I should-.”
“Oh come on Darren.” Daniel touched his hand, “We really want you there- it won’t be the same without you.”
The singer looked up with hope in his eyes, “Y- you think so?”
“Of course!” Daniel exclaimed, “You’re our main man- without you- we’re just a bunch of instruments- you’re what makes us come alive.”
Darren sat back, taking this grand compliment in.
He looked almost surprised.
Something in his eyes darkened then, immediately thinking of five things that made him less than worth something.
He always did that, and Daniel sighed as Darren retreated further into the couch’s arm, “I think I’m going to just stay home.”
“You could really have a good time if you gave it a ch-.”
But Darren was shaking his head stubbornly, drawing his precious blanket up to his chin.
“Will you go for me?”
The singer looked up at that, and pursed his lips.
Compassion and worry mixed into his green eyes, Daniel scooted closer to his band mate, “I’d really like you to go.”
Darren stared at him, looking as if he would either cry or start laughing.
He did neither.
“You’ll leave me in the corner when your friends get there.”
Daniel sat back, a little surprised, “Darren- you are my friend, why on earth would you say something like that?”
“Because-.” Darren looked more nervous now that he had run out of room to slide back on the couch, “You don’t like to just sit around and watch, you like to drink, and party, and make out with girls- why would you want to be stuck with me the whole time? You’ll just be bored.”
“Stuck with you?” Daniel was incredulous, “I never think spending time with you is boring! Don’t ever think that it’s not true.”
Darren played nervously with the hem of the quilt, he looked almost scared.
“Dazza?” Daniel touched Darren’s arm, “will you look at me mate?”
Darren did as told.
“Will you believe what I tell you?”
The singer nodded, looking away again.
“Can I give you a hug?”
Darren looked up again in surprise, and Daniel wasn’t really sure where that question came from.
Men didn’t hug.
This he had learned from his father and was very uncomfortable when Darren used to jump into his arms after concerts or at random times.
Of course now, Daniel would give anything for Darren to squeeze him tight and let him know that he cared.
He held his arms out, not wanting to push.
Darren bit his lip, before slowly moving into them.
Daniel brought him to his chest, putting one hand on his head and the other stroking his back.
And Darren seemed to relax as he closed his eyes.
It never became awkward, even after the appropriate time passed.
Daniel just sat there and waited for Darren to move first, because he knew the singer needed this, needed some kind of human touch to let him know everything was okay.
When Leonie knocked on the door and poked her head in, Daniel did not even realize that their lunch break was almost over-
Darren tensed and turned his head towards the wall, burying his face in Daniel’s shirt.
She saw Daniel, then Darren, and frowned, “Is he okay?” She mouthed.
Daniel held him closer, and nodded, motioning for her to leave.
Leonie did so without argument and when the door closed Darren sat back and waited.
“You all right?” Daniel asked quietly.
Darren nodded, color rising in his cheeks, “Thank you.” He mumbled, fumbling with the quilt again.
Daniel smiled and stood up, “Come on mate, let’s get back before Leonie throws a fit. Don’t want any flying clipboards first day back, huh?”
Darren did not laugh at the joke, he only nodded and stood up as well, shivering as the quilt fell from his slim form to the floor.
He’s lost more weight, Daniel thought sadly as the singer shuffled to the door, not looking to see if he was being followed.
Daniel did follow him, keeping his distance and watching sadly as Darren memorized each detail of the floor ahead of his steps.
Perhaps if she had never left him, he would never have gotten like this-
Maybe it was the city life and isolation from everything he had ever known.
Or maybe it was something entirely different that made him retreat from everyone around him.
Whatever it was, Daniel wished he could find out what had happened to Darren, and then perhaps, find out how to bring him back.
~Chapter Two~
I haven’t seen any marks.
I always make a point to look at his arms when his sleeves are rolled up.
But I don’t know if he places them elsewhere and I really don’t want to think of him carving horrible things into his legs, thinking the pain will leave with the blood.
Ben’s party is tomorrow, and if there’s some way I could get Darren to go and have a good time, then I’ll know we’re making progress.
Unfortunately, every time I even mention it, he somehow finds an excuse to leave, or completely clams up and won’t even talk.
I’ve noticed something this week.
He’s been watching me, I feel his sad eyes on me every so often now, but every time I try to return his gaze, he looks away and hides again.
I think he wants help, I think he really knows that he can’t keep going on like this forever.
And maybe in his own way, he’s trying to let me know that.
It’s not his pride that’s getting in the way.
Because he has none left, no self-esteem, he just shuffles through life hoping that if he hides long enough, it will eventually go away.
But I know it doesn’t work like that, and there’s got to be some way that I can get through to him.
That’s why I’ve had so many sleepless nights planning on what to do in the morning, what to say to him, and how to gently push him a little bit each day towards some sort of sanity.
A kind god or deity has given me extraordinary patience with all this, and I think after all this is done, I might actually get on my knees and say “thank you”.
There’s something else I’ve noticed.
The more I think about this situation, and him, the more I want to help him.
The more I care about him.
The more I love him.
~Chapter Three~
“It starts at eight, you don’t have to dress up, we’re just going to a movie.”
“O- okay- I guess- it’s in the dark- no one will notice me right?”
“No Dazza- it will be all right.”
Daniel set the phone down and sighed.
As much as he hated lying to him, there would be no other way to get Darren to Ben’s party without some sort of trick.
Fortunately he was calm and collective, Darren didn’t notice anything was amiss as he ambled out to Daniel’s car in the twilight, wearing bulky clothes to hide his body and his precious hoody to cover his head in when he got scared.
If Darren had it his way, he’d hide under his bed with a blanket over him and never face the world.
At least it hadn’t gotten that bad yet.
“You look nice Dazzy.” Daniel smiled brightly as Darren slowly climbed into the passenger seat.
He ran his hand against the leather and smiled.
Daniel watched him carefully as he put his seat belt on, “Your car is soft.” He whispered.
Daniel nodded, “Still pretty new I guess.” He turned the engine back on and turned the radio down, “Are those new pants? They look really nice.”
Darren looked down at his faded khakis, confused, “Um- they’re old Danny, I’ve had them for a long time.”
“Oh.” Daniel pulled out of the driveway, “They still look very nice on you.”
“Thanks.” Darren barely sounded, looking quickly out the window and not turning his head for the rest of the car ride.
It was silent, save for the radio buzzing and the wind.
Darren looked dreamy as he watched the stars hang in the sky above him.
Daniel stole several glances at his friend, figuring out what to say next, if he should say anything at all.
Either Darren wasn’t paying attention, or he had forgotten the way to the theater, because Daniel had made several wrong turns and was now heading out towards another subdivision.
It wasn’t until Daniel turned onto a neighborhood street that Darren noticed.
“Where are we going Danny?”
Daniel winced, hearing the nervousness in his voice, “Um- well Dazza- I know we were going to go to a movie- but see- Ben really wanted you to c-.”
“No!” Darren cried, possibly the loudest Daniel had heard him in months.
“Dazzy.” Daniel frowned deeply as he parked behind a line of cars.
Darren was huddled up against the glass, nearly shaking, “I really don’t want to go in there Danny- please don’t make me.”
“Oh Darren.” Daniel sighed, his friend sounded like he was going to burst into tears, “It’s okay.” He whispered, reaching his hand out and lightly touching Darren’s cheek, “It’s all right.”
Darren leant into his hand, and Daniel felt a tear roll onto his palm.
“Do you want me to take you back home?”
Darren looked down, frowning deeply, “Y- you’ve already driven all this way-.”
“It’s okay Dazza- I can take you back.”
Darren looked out the windshield to the guests that were coming up the walk.
They looked so happy and content.
Daniel knew he was longing to join them.
“How 'bout we do this.” Daniel suggested, moving his hand to Darren’s shoulder, “Let’s check it out, if it gets boring or you don’t like it, you just let me know and we’ll leave, okay?”
Darren looked up at him, a faint hint of trust gleamed in his eyes and he nodded, “Okay Danny- just promise- that- that you won’t go away and leave me alone.”
Daniel smiled and pulled the singer against him, “I promise.” He whispered into his ear, smiling slightly as Darren’s shaking calmed and he relaxed.
“Come on.” Daniel smiled assuringly at his friend as he stepped out of the car, “Beautiful night.” He wondered if Darren was going to get out or just sit staring at the dashboard.
The singer eventually opened the door and cautiously emerged into the warm night air.
The wind lightly tickled his hair and he closed his eyes.
Daniel watched him, for the first time noticing just how beautiful Darren really was.
He smiled, walking around the car and putting his arm around the singer’s shoulders, “Come on.” He led Darren towards the house, “It will be all right.”
“Well look who decided to show his face.” Ben greeted Daniel at the door, punching his shoulder and shoving a beer into his hand, “Glad you could make it buddy, nice pickings for chicks tonight.” He motioned towards the living room, “I’ve got dibs on the redhead- but anyone else is yours.”
“Thank you Benjamin.” Daniel titled his head in reverence.
Darren was hiding behind Daniel, and he peeked out tentatively.
“Darren- hey buddy.” Ben’s tone turned immediately softer and compassionate, “Great you could come.” He gently put his hand on Darren’s shoulder, “looking pretty sharp.”
Darren looked down and smiled slightly, “Thanks Ben.” He whispered, rubbing his toe in the carpet, “Um- thanks for inviting me.”
“No problem, no problem.” Ben looked at Daniel who nodded, “Want something to drink? Water? Soda?”
Darren shoved his hands in his pockets, trying not to look too nervous, “Um- I’ll have some w- water please.” He stuttered, tensing as someone brushed by him.
“Coming right up.” Ben whisked away and Daniel led Darren to a table set up near the fireplace.
“Okay?”
Darren nodded, looking very pale and nervous.
Daniel was beginning to wonder that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
“These people are happy.”
“What’s that?” Daniel leant in closer.
“These people- they’re happy.” Darren repeated, his eyes watching with fascination the many partygoers dance and sway to the beat.
“Looks like it.” Daniel sat back a bit, studying Darren’s face.
The singer chewed on his bottom lip, thinking.
“One ice water with a lemon twist as requested sire.” Ben set the tumbler down on the table, sporting a tea towel, “Anything else I can get for you sir?”
Darren looked up and giggled a little making the other two smile.
“Thank you.” He took the cup with both hands and lifted it to his lips.
Ben looked at Daniel for further instructions.
Daniel nodded his thanks, letting his band mate tend to the other guests.
“Good Dazzy?”
Darren nodded, passing a hand across his mouth, “It’s cold.”
“Ben didn’t spike it?”
Darren stopped the cup at his lips again, his eyes looking scared, “Uh- I um...”
Daniel frowned and took the water, tasting it himself, just to calm Darren’s nerves, “Mmm- tastes like water and lemon.” He passed it back to his friend, “It’s fine Daz- trust me.”
“Um- okay.” Darren set it back down on the table, eyeing it suspiciously.
Daniel bit his lip as the singer’s hands started to shake.
“Dazza- mate- trust me- there’s nothing in there- it’s fine.” Daniel scooted closer in a protective manner, “Will you believe me?”
Darren looked down ashamed, “I’m sorry Danny.” He sniffed a little, putting his hands back around the cup, “I’m trying.”
“I know mate.” He patted Darren’s shoulder, realizing that lately he was the one initiating all the friendly pats and touches now.
It wasn’t like he was trying to take every opportunity to touch the singer.
Darren calmed down and seemed to come out a bit from his inner hiding place, almost like Daniel was the link between his darkness and the rest of the world.
As the night wore on, Darren stayed longer then Daniel thought he would.
Though he barely spoke to anyone, he was watching the guests, and sometimes a hint of a smile could be seen when he noticed someone looked particularly happy.
Daniel made a point to stay true to his word.
He rarely left Darren’s side, maybe to get another beer or have a quick conversation with someone he hadn’t seen in a while.
Other than that, he kept a protective watch over his friend, having no intention to pick up any girls.
By midnight, most of the guests were getting pretty drunk and Darren was beginning to look uncomfortable as he watched them stagger around and get rowdy.
Daniel was just about to mention that they might want to leave pretty soon when a slightly tipsy woman came up and yanked Daniel out of his chair into the center of the living room to dance.
Before he could protest, he was surrounded by several other bodies bumping and grinding against him.
He tried to see if Darren was okay, but it was getting too jammed and crowded.
Not like he was protesting four very nice looking ladies rubbing up against him.
By the time Daniel managed to get out of the mob of dancers, he realized Darren was not sitting at the table.
Not wanting to panic, he sat down and waited for his friend to return.
“Where’d yer little buddy go?” Someone slurred behind him.
Daniel turned to see someone unfamiliar and very drunk leaning up against the wall.
“Uh- I’m not sure-.”
“Cute little bugger- ran out of here real quick- guess he didn’t like me-.”
“What?” Daniel’s eyes widened and he shot up, trying to get out of the door as quickly as he could.
He found Darren huddled next to the car, tears streaming down his cheeks.
“Hey- hey.” Daniel knelt down next to him, reaching out a hand to touch him.
Darren backed up further, shaking.
Daniel sat back on his heels, feeling very bad for even making him come, “Dazza- will you look at me?”
Darren raised his head cautiously, the look in his eyes made Daniel wince.
“Dazza- I’m so sorry.” He moved slowly until he could take Darren into his arms.
The singer leapt into them, and then really started crying.
“Did he do something to you Dazza? Did he touch you?”
Darren cried harder at that and Daniel clenched his fists, wanting to march back into the party and punch the guy out.
But that wouldn’t do any good, only cause more problems.
“Come on-.” Daniel whispered, helping Darren to stand, “Let’s go home- come on.” He opened the car door and helped him in.
Still fuming, but more worried about his friend, he hurried into the driver’s seat and sped away.
~Chapter Four~
I took him back to my apartment instead of his, because I knew if I just dropped him off, he’d fall into a heap at the staircase and be hauled off to the hospital by an annoyed tenant.
Not knowing any other way to get him to calm down, I dumped him into the bathtub, clothes and all, and turned on the shower.
He didn’t really cry much after that.
Just wiped at his swollen eyes and tried to breathe properly.
“Do you want to take a bath, a shower?” I asked gently.
But he only shook his head, shivering when I turned the water off.
I nodded, lifting him onto the floor and stripping him of his wet clothes.
He just looked blankly at me when I saw them.
They had been cleverly hidden under any article of clothing.
But those were no longer there and they stared up at me, red, angry, swollen-
I’m not sure why I wasn’t surprised, but I guess with his state of mind, this was something normal.
“You should take better care of these Dazza.” I whispered, watching his glassy eyes, “They’re getting infected.”
I ran a hand across one on his thigh.
“Let them bleed.” He murmured in my ear.
And I shuddered at how broken he sounded.
I stood up, and just looked at the naked form huddled on my bathroom rug.
“I’ll clean you up.” I sighed sadly as I set him back into the tub.
The water was pure and clean, and I hoped it felt good as I bathed him.
It didn’t matter that he was a grown man, and that I was washing him in places that were not appropriate.
It didn’t matter because I was his best friend, and this was what best friends do, take care of each other.
And he barely moved, just stared at the calm waters surrounding him.
I finished, setting the cloth aside and just looked at him.
“Do you want to stay in here a while?”
Darren looked up at me, then shook his head.
“All right.” I kept my voice hushed, helping him out and back onto the rug.
I dried him with a towel and watched him wince when it rubbed against his wounds.
“It’s okay.” I sat him down and found something to keep infection at bay.
They were mostly just gashes, some longer and deeper then others.
But there were words too, like “lonely” and “pain”.
He kept those hidden on the tops of his thighs-
And he was smart enough to have nothing worse then short obscure cuts below his elbows.
Because then no one would know.
But I did know now, and it hurt my heart to see it.
I wouldn’t scold him though, because that would just be pointless and make things worse.
I didn’t ask him why he would hurt himself like that-
And I didn’t want to make him feel like a lunatic either-
So I kept things quiet and cared for the ones that needed most attention.
“They don’t really hurt much Danny.” He was watching me.
I looked up at him, and nodded, trying to smile.
He didn’t return it, his eyes were hollow and sad.
“Do you want to lay down?”
He touched the fibers of the blue rug and nodded.
“Okay.” I whispered, grabbing a robe and wrapping him up in it, “Soft?”
He felt the gentle cotton and nodded again.
I smiled weakly and helped him up, but somehow found myself carrying him to bedroom with his head on my shoulder.
I hoped he felt safe.
The bed was warm and inviting and I tucked him under the covers like a child.
I knew he wanted his grandmother’s quilt to hide under, so I tried to substitute with the softest blanket I could find.
Before he fell asleep, I enveloped him into a hug, feeling him cling to me.
I ended up holding him in my arms the rest of the night, because I didn’t want to let him go.
I didn’t want him to feel alone anymore.
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