~Chapter Nine - Standing at the Edge of the Earth~

 

Darren drove mechanically back to the hotel. A small, detached portion of his mind informed him that this state was unnatural. He didn’t care. He couldn’t feel anything but the sickening sensation of his stomach falling. It was like his mind had disengaged from his body and observing from somewhere else. Vaguely, Darren recognized the sensation as the one a person feels when their body realizes that something horrible has happened but the mind hasn’t quite gotten there yet. Shock, the still-rational part of his mind supplied. You’re in shock. Well, whatever it was, Darren hoped that his mind would never catch up to his body, because when this hit, it was going to hit hard.

Darren’s numb state did not fade as he parked the car and walked quickly into the hotel and up to his room. He packed everything on autopilot, then rushed through check-out. Heaving his bags into the back of the car, he got in and headed for home. To say his mother was surprised to see him on her doorstep so early in the evening would be an understatement.

“Darren?” Judy asked in surprise, holding the door open for him. “What are you doing here? Weren’t you having dinner with Daniel tonight?”

“Change of plans,” Darren shrugged, leaning down to kiss his mother’s cheek. “He had something else to do tonight.”

“Something more important than having dinner with his best friend?”

“Yup. It’s not that big of a deal, mum,” Darren lied smoothly. “It’s not like I’m not going to see him when I come back later on this year.”

“True,” Judy conceded. “I made dinner for your father and I, but I’m not sure I have enough for you. Do you want me to make you something?”

Darren shook his head. “I’m not hungry. I’ll just sit with you and Dad while you two eat.”

Judy searched her son’s face for a sign of what he was really thinking, but encountered only the smooth, bland mask Darren wore in public. Darren smiled at her, a smile that did not reach his eyes.

“I’m fine, mum. I had a big lunch today. Don’t worry, ok?”

“Fine,” Judy sighed. “Come on in.” She escorted him into the kitchen where his father was already seated.

Darren sat down at the table with his parents, letting the conversation ebb and flow around him. His mother kept stealing sideways glances at him and it finally got to be too much. Darren stood up abruptly, looking down at his surprised parents. He stretched.

“I’m tired. Do you mind if I go lie down for a bit?”

“Sure, go ahead,” Judy said. “We’ll wake you up when it’s time to head to the airport.”

“Thanks.”

Darren went into the guest bedroom and lay down on the bed. He stared up at the ceiling, the numbness consuming him. Time ceased to have meaning as he lost himself in the coldness that surrounded him. In what seemed like no time at all, his mother came in to get him ready to leave. The rest of the time passed in a blur of motion, and before Darren really registered what happened, he was on the plane. As the plane began taxiing down the runway, he stared out the window, watching as Australia slowly disappeared beneath him. A tear slowly trickled down his cheek, followed by another and another. The icy shell that surrounded him suddenly cracked and collapsed. Darren buried his head in his arms, his entire body shaking from the force of his silent sobs, and finally let out part of his pain over what had happened before.

* * * * *

Kathleen shoved the door open with her hip, juggling the heavy bag of foodstuffs she had bought for dinner tonight. Normally she would have called for help, but Darren was probably here and the boys wouldn’t hear her anyway. She stepped inside and set the bag on the table. A frown creased her brow. It was abnormally quiet in the house. Had Daniel and Darren gone out? She stepped into the living room and looked around. Nothing. She caught a soft hint of noise from the family room and she headed in that direction. Kat was shocked by what she saw there.

Daniel sat slumped on the couch, one hand on the remote control and the other holding a half-empty beer bottle. Empty bottles littered the room in every direction she looked.

“Daniel!” Kathleen gasped, aghast. “You’ve been drinking?”

Daniel looked at her with unfocused green eyes and raised his eyebrows. He stared deliberately at the empty room and the numerous bottles, but answered surprisingly mildly.

“Yup.” He swung the bottle in his hands up to his lips and drained it. Then he tossed the bottle on the floor to join the others. Daniel staggered to his feet and brushed past her on his way to the refrigerator. Kat followed him.

“Where’s Darren?” She asked. Daniel shrugged and jerked the door open a little more violently than necessary. Food fell out of the refrigerator, but Daniel ignored it and grabbed his beer. Kat sighed and picked the food up and put it away, then went after Daniel again.

“Daniel, isn’t Darren coming to dinner tonight?”

“Nope,” Daniel said, staring intently into his beer bottle.

“Why not?”

“’S got things he hadta do.”

“Like what?” Kathleen asked, slightly irritated. Here she’d gone out and bought all this food and Darren wasn’t even going to show up.

“Packin’ and stuff. He ‘pologized. Said bye. Said you’re a good cook.” Daniel explained, the slurring becoming more pronounced.

Kathleen still looked puzzled. “But he knew he had to do all this stuff before, when he agreed to come over. What changed his mind?”

Daniel didn’t answer. He just stared resolutely anywhere but at Kathleen. A small suspicion began to grow in her mind.

“You two didn’t have another fight, did you, Daniel?”

“No,” Daniel answered, quietly and surprisingly clearly. “No, I wouldn’t say we had a fight.” You can’t really have a fight when the other person doesn’t fight back, said the still-clear portion of his brain. Kathleen watched him closely, but he was still looking away and she couldn’t read his expression. She sighed deeply.

“Well, I have all that food for dinner. Might as well use it, right? I’ll have dinner ready in about an hour and a half, ok?”

“Not hungry.”

“Daniel, after all you’ve had to drink, you need to eat something so you don’t get sick.”

“Not hungry,” Daniel repeated, glaring up at her stubbornly.

“Fine,” Kat said, throwing up her hands. “Fine. If you eventually get hungry, I’ll leave something in the fridge for you. But if you’re not going to eat, promise me you won’t have anything more to drink. It’s not healthy.”

Daniel made a face. “Don’ tell me whadda do. I can take care of myself.”

“Sometimes I wonder,” Kat said, slightly disapprovingly. Daniel glared at her again.

“Jus’ go ‘way, Kat. Go.” He made exaggerated shooing motions at her. She stared at him, eyes wide in indignation, then stormed out, resolving that Daniel was going to sleep on the couch for the next week. Honestly! Kat was so irritated that she ignored Daniel for the rest of the night and so missed the soft, choked sobs that emanated from the family room before the alcohol finally overwhelmed the man ensconced inside.

* * * * *

Darren stepped out of the gate reluctantly. He felt awful. His eyes were dry and scratchy from the tears he’d shed, and his head was pounding and cottony-feeling. The singer just wanted to curl up in a little ball and sleep for a week. He certainly did not want to do the concert tomorrow night, but he knew he had to. He couldn’t let what had happened with Danny ruin his life. He had lived without Daniel before. He could do it again now. That thought brought fresh tears prickling at the back of Darren’s eyes and he scrubbed his hand viciously over his face, attempting to forestall their on-set. When he opened his eyes again, he was met by Leonie’s smiling face.

“Welcome back!” She squealed, throwing herself in Darren’s arms. Darren hugged her back tightly, grateful for the warmth and friendship he could feel radiating from her. He felt tears rising again, and quickly pulled away. Leonie studied his face and a worried frown creased her brow.

“You look like hell, Darren. Was it a bad flight?”

“It was a very long flight,” Darren said with a shrug. “Not really bad, but I couldn’t sleep.”

Leonie seemed to accept this, but she still looked worried.

“How was your trip?” She asked.

“It was ok. I got to see my parents for a while. That was nice,” Darren explained as they began walking to the baggage claim.

“Did you get to see Daniel? I thought that’s what you went down there for, right?”

Darren winced, but luckily Leonie’s sharp eyes missed that, as she was looking elsewhere at the moment. By the time she turned back to Darren, he had managed to pull his impassive mask back up.

“Yeah, I saw him,” Darren acknowledged casually. Leonie waited, but Darren didn’t seem inclined to reveal any more. She huffed in exasperation.

“Well? Did you two get things worked out? Did he accept the apology you were planning on giving him? What happened? Come on, Darren, tell me!”

“There’s not much to tell, Leo. I saw him. I apologized. He apologized in return. We worked out all the anger over the break-up.”

“That’s good, right?"

Darren nodded, saying nothing. Leonie turned to stare at him. She had expected him to be bubbling about working things out with Daniel. After all, it had been bothering him for the past year. Darren, however, seemed abnormally quiet. Something had happened down there, and Leonie was determined to find out what it was.

“So you two are friends again?” She pressed. This time, she was watching closely and she noticed the brief flash of pain that crossed Darren’s face. “You are friends again, right?”

“No, Leonie, we’re not. Are you happy now?” Darren asked, his tone muted.

“Oh, Darren… Why not? What happened?”

“Nothing happened, ok? God, everyone keeps asking that. Why did something have to happen? We were estranged for over a year, with almost another year’s worth of bad feelings added to that. What we had just couldn’t be fixed. There’s too much between us to ever make it right again. It will never go back to the way it was, and I’m just going to have to live with it.”

Darren’s shoulders had begun to shake, and Leonie reached up a gentle hand to his back, rubbing softly. Darren twisted away, though, and rubbed an arm against his eyes.

“I’m fine, Leo,” he said in a tone that proved him anything but. “Just let it go, ok?”

“If that’s what you want… But you know I’ll always be here if you need to talk about it, right?”

“Yeah, I know.”

Darren smiled tiredly at Leonie. He grabbed his bags from the carousel and hoisted them up.

“Lead on,” he said with an attempt at brightness. “I need to get to bed if I’m going to be able to perform tomorrow.”

“Come on, then. The car’s outside. We have soundcheck tomorrow at 10, so breakfast is at 8:30. And then you have…”

Leonie launched into her spiel, and Darren sat back and let the sound of her voice wash over him. Things were at least quasi-normal now, which gave him a sense of security. The feeling of imminent tears receded a little, and Darren relaxed. Maybe he could make it through these next performances after all.

* * * * *

Daniel sat upright on the couch (Kathleen had made good on her threat from before), feeling the horrible, roiling sensation of imminent nausea. He quickly swung his legs down and bolted for the bathroom, hoping only to get there in time. He barely made it, swinging the toilet lid up just as his stomach decided to protest the amount of alcohol he’d poured into it earlier in the evening. He was violently ill two more times before the nausea finally calmed. Daniel reached one hand up for the handle as he rested his hot, sweaty forehead on the cool porcelain of the toilet. The noise of the toilet flushing covered any other sound, so he was quite startled when he felt Kathleen’s hand on his sticky back.

“Daniel,” she said, her voice soft and sad. “What are you doing to yourself?”

Daniel just shook his head. While his stomach was no longer trying to turn itself inside out, he wasn’t in the mood for conversation. He just wanted to rest for a bit. Kathleen’s hand left his back and she disappeared. A few moments later she returned, and Daniel faintly registered the sound of the faucet running. Kathleen wiped a cool, damp washcloth gently over his face and neck before pressing a glass of water into his hand. Daniel took it gratefully and downed the cool substance in a few quick gulps.

“Thanks,” he managed hoarsely after a few moments.

Kathleen shrugged. She watched him as he levered himself off the floor and turned to leave.

“Daniel, why are you doing this?”

“I’m not doing anything,” Daniel denied.

“Yes, you are. You haven’t been to work in the last week, you’ve come home drunk every night… it’s not like you. What happened?”

“Nothing happened, Kat. I just felt like going out this week, ok?” Kat’s eyes narrowed as she studied Daniel’s profile in the dim light from the stairway.

“This is all Darren’s fault, isn’t it?” She accused. “You were fine until he came back. And then, bam! You’re a completely different person. What did he do to you?”

“He didn’t do anything. Just let it go.”

“No, he did something. I know he did, Daniel; don’t try to lie to me. He was supposed to come over for dinner that last night but he didn’t. You two had another fight again, didn’t you? What did he say to you this time?”

Daniel’s patience finally snapped. He was tired and sick and his head ached like nothing he’d ever felt before. Whirling around, he got right into Kathleen’s face and snarled viciously at her.

“What did you not understand about what I just said? I don’t want to talk to you, so will you bloody well just leave me alone?”

He noticed with a strange sort of satisfaction the dark look of pain in Kat’s eyes before he turned and stormed up the stairs to take a shower and brush the acidic taste of bile out of his mouth. Kat, however, stood in the bathroom with one hand pressed against her lips, trying hard to keep from crying. After a few moments of stunned stillness, she slowly followed the path Daniel had taken to the bedroom.

Daniel emerged from the shower twenty minutes later feeling much more human. He toweled off quickly and stepped into the bedroom, freezing in shock when he saw Kathleen. The woman was methodically packing a suitcase with clothes and other toiletries. She didn’t even glance up as he walked into the room.

“Kat…” Daniel began, feeling horrible. He knew he’d been mean to her downstairs, but he certainly hadn’t expected this.

“Yes?” She answered colorlessly.

“Kat, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said down there.”

Kat looked up at him, and Daniel recoiled from the look he saw in her eyes. Instead of the anger and recrimination he had expected to see, he just saw sadness and resignation.

“Dan, I’d really love to believe that. I can’t, though. You’ve been acting so strangely since Darren came to visit. I’m not… I’m not sure I’m what you want anymore.”

“Kat…I…”

“Shh,” Kat whispered. She came over and wrapped her arms around Daniel’s waist, hugging him tightly. “Daniel, I love you. I want to be with you. I’m just not sure you know what you want anymore. And I deserve better than that. I don’t want you staying with me just because I’m convenient. That’s not fair to either of us. So,” Kathleen’s voice broke a little, “I’m going to Lynne’s. She said I could stay there any time I wanted. When you figure out what you want, come see me. Just let me know, either way. I hate living in limbo.”

Kat forced a smile on her face, even though tears were starting to trail down her cheeks. She kissed a stunned Daniel lightly on the cheek, then broke away to continue her packing. Daniel stood there a moment, his jaw hanging slightly in surprise.

“Kat, you don’t have to go,” he finally managed to offer.

“Yes, I do. As much as I love you, I can’t live with you right now. You need to figure out what you really want, or maybe who you really want, before you and I can even think of going back to where we were.”

She shut the suitcase with a resounding thunk and forced yet another smile for Daniel.

“You know I’m right. Just let me go, ok baby?”

“Kat…” But Daniel couldn’t really find a good reason for protesting. Kat was right. He needed to figure things out, and quickly. Kathleen watched his face and saw the realization set in. She barely managed to choke down a sob. She knew in her heart, even if Daniel hadn’t acknowledged it yet, that she had lost him. If she weren’t right, Daniel would have stopped her from leaving. Biting her lower lip fiercely, she grabbed the suitcase and lugged it down the stairs.

Daniel quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and caught up with her halfway down the stairs, taking the suitcase. He silently carried it to her car and loaded it in the back. They stood awkwardly, staring at each other, before Kat forced herself to open the car door.

“Bye, Daniel,” she choked out. “I love you. Come see me when you decide.”

“I love you, too,” Daniel rasped. Kat could see tearstains shining in the fluorescent streetlights. It made her feel slightly better to know Daniel was hurting, too. “I promise I’ll see you as soon as I figure things out.”

Kat nodded a silent acknowledgement, then got in her car and drove away. She barely made it a block before she had to pull over, tears blurring her vision. She sobbed silently, hopelessly, into the ungiving steering wheel. It was a long time before she could compose herself enough to continue the drive to her friend’s.

Daniel, for his part, was lying face-down on his bed, the pillow absorbing the tears that were trickling steadily from his eyes. This had to have been the most miserable week of his life. He had found Darren again, only to lose him. Dan’s entire life had been turned upside down by the events of that one night with Darren, and he still had yet to reconcile those going-ons with what he knew of himself before that night. And now he’d treated his girlfriend horribly and she’d left him. He was sure things couldn’t get any worse, although he was afraid to think that in case fate decided to take his thoughts as a challenge.

Kat was right, though. Dan really needed to think through his feelings for Darren, for Kat, and for everything. But that could wait for tomorrow. Tonight, well, tonight was for mourning. For Kat and for Darren. Daniel snuggled his face deeper into the pillows and just let the tears come.

 

 

~Chapter Ten - Repercussions~

 

Darren woke the next morning with a pounding headache. He rolled over enough to peer at the clock through slit eyelids. Then he moaned and flopped back on the bed. Leonie would be at his door any minute now to get him up, and he was completely unprepared to face the day. Crying yourself to sleep is not conducive to a good night’s rest, Darren reflected dryly. He snuggled himself deeper into the blankets, closing his heavy, scratchy eyes. Maybe Leonie would be late. Or even better, would forget about breakfast and leave him until soundcheck. The thought had no sooner crossed him mind than Leonie began pounding on the door.

“Darren! Darren, are you up?”

“Yeah, Leo, I’m up,” Darren called back, reluctantly pushing himself to an upright position.

“You’d better be!” Leonie threatened, half-teasing, half-serious. “If you’re not down there at 8:30, I’m coming up and getting you, got it?”

“Got it. I’ll be there.”

“See you there,” Leonie said, then left.

Darren listened to her footsteps recede down the hall and contemplated going back to sleep, but decided an angry Leonie was not something he wanted to deal with this morning. He pushed himself out of bed and stumbled into the shower. As he waited for the water to run warm, he glanced at himself in the mirror and made a face at what he saw there. The man staring back at him looked tired and drained. His eyes had dark purple circles under them, a strange contrast to the redness and puffiness of the skin above them. The stubble that normally was kept under control was looking quite scraggly. There was a tenseness to the set of his mouth that warned of emotional upset. All in all, he looked like death warmed over. They’re going to have fun trying to conceal all this tonight for the show.

Oh, well. That wasn’t his problem. His only problem at the moment was getting down to breakfast before Leonie came to fetch him. With that in mind, he stepped into the shower. Half an hour later, Darren stumbled downstairs and met Leonie in the breakfast room. Leonie looked up at his arrival.

“Glad you could make it,” she said.

“Good morning to you, too,” Darren mumbled. He wandered over to the breakfast table and looked at the offerings. Bagels, donuts, dry cereal, and instant oatmeal. Making a face, he chose the least offensive of the selection, oatmeal, and quickly poured the hot water over it. Then he grabbed a glass of orange juice and sat down.

“Aren’t we happy this morning?” Leonie asked sarcastically, her tone deliberately bright. Darren glared at her.

“Le'me alone.” He turned his attention back to the oatmeal and sighed. He’d added too much water. The oatmeal was a soupy mess. Darren stared sadly at it. Leonie followed his gaze and laughed at him.

“Ooh, is Darren’s oatmeal too soggy?” She teased.

“Shut up, Leo,” Darren said, but without heat. He shot her a small grin.

Leonie smiled back, happy to have made Darren smile, even if it was only a little smile. He seemed so sad this morning. After a few moments, Darren looked up curiously.

“Where’s the rest of the band?”

“They ate earlier. I made your breakfast a little later so you could get in some sleep.”

“Ah. Thanks, Leo. I needed the sleep.”

“I figured. Hey, are you almost done? We should probably get going so that we can meet the band for soundcheck.”

“Yeah, I’m done.” Darren pushed his half-eaten bowl of oatmeal away and stood up. “Let’s go.”

The ride to the venue was abnormally silent. Darren sat quietly in the car, staring out the window. Leonie watched him surreptitiously. It was unusual to see the singer so reticent. She seriously hoped nothing was wrong.

The unusual silence continued as the band prepared. Darren went through the first couple of songs proficiently, if colorlessly. The moment the band began the songs from Savage Garden, however, Darren whirled around. His eyes were wide and dark with an emotion Leonie couldn’t identify.

“Oh, no,” Darren said. “No, no, no. I am not singing those songs tonight.”

“The Savage Garden songs?” Leonie asked, confused.

“Exactly. Nothing doing. I refuse to sing those ever again.”

“You can’t just refuse to sing them!”

“Oh yes, I can.”

“No, you can’t,” Leonie said, approaching Darren.

“Why can’t I? They’re half mine… and this is my concert. I don’t want to sing them, and I won’t,” the singer said stubbornly, but there was a hint of underlying hysteria in his voice. Leonie and the rest of the band just gaped at him. Finally Leonie shook herself out of her surprised stupor.

“Darren, you’re under a contract for this tour. They may be your songs and such, but you still need to sing them. The fans expect to hear the Savage Garden songs. You can’t go out there and not sing them. You really don’t want to make that kind of career move.”

Darren dropped his eyes as he stood there, shifting his weight uncertainly. Leonie held her breath. If this didn’t work, she wasn’t sure what would short of ordering Darren. And ordering the stubborn singer was never a happy thing.

“Fine,” Darren finally agreed, but very ungraciously.

“Good,” Leonie sighed. “Now get out there and practice.”

“I’ll practice,” Darren said, “but I’m not singing those songs until I have to. Tonight.”

“Darren, what has gotten into you? You know you need to…”

Darren cut her off explosively. “No, I do not fucking need to practice those songs! I’ve sung enough that we know all the sound equipment is working right. And I don’t need to ‘brush up’ on them, either. I sang them almost every day on tour for two years. I bloody well wrote them! I couldn’t forget the words if I tried. So if the band needs this time, they can have it. Without me. I’m going back to the hotel.”

With that, Darren stormed off. Leonie stared after him, surprise and confusion warring for dominance on her face. Lee stepped up behind her.

“What was that about?” He asked quietly.

“I have no idea,” Leonie answered bemusedly. “No idea at all.”

Darren made it to the hotel in good time and headed up to his room, where he paced around irritably. He felt hot and lightheaded. How could he have forgotten about the Savage Garden set? He did not need this tonight. But Leonie was right. There was nothing he could do about it. He’d just have to gut through the concert. He could manage this. And he would not think of Daniel during the songs. He wouldn’t.

He heard a knock on the door. Leonie must have come after him. He altered the path of his pacing to slam his hand on the door handle, opening it just enough to let Leonie inside. He continued his pacing as Leonie walked in the room.

“Darren?” Her voice held a mix of worry and vexation.

“Yeah?” He answered, still striding around.

“Are you ok?”

“I’m fine, Leo.”

“Uh-huh,” she said, disbelief clear in her voice. “What actually happened between you and Daniel down there, huh? You said you guys resolved your issues, but before you went down there, you weren’t having any problems singing the Savage Garden set. So what’d he do this time?”

“He didn’t do anything, Leo. I just… I just had unrealistic expectations about us. I’m disappointed that it didn’t work out the way I wanted. But it’s not a big deal, and it’s not why I didn’t want to sing. I’m just still really tired from my trip.”

Darren submitted himself to Leonie’s scrutiny. Hopefully, there was enough truth in his last statement that Leonie would buy it. It was hard to fool her; she knew him too well. He didn’t want to tell her the truth now, though. If he were given sympathy, he’d break down. That would not be conducive to an even halfway decent concert. Leonie sighed and tilted her head.

“Darren, are you sure nothing’s wrong?”

“Leo, I’m just tired. I need to get some more sleep. And you know I’d tell you if something was wrong. You’re one of my best friends.”

Leonie watched him for a moment more, then nodded.

“Ok. Get some sleep, then. I’ll clear your schedule for this afternoon. But no complaining when I get you up for the concert, ok?”

Darren gaped at her. “I’m really free for the rest of the afternoon?” He asked incredulously.

“Yeah, yeah. I can be nice occasionally, you know. Now get some rest. I want a happy, chipper Darren when I return.”

“Thank you, Leo,” Darren whispered, hugging her tightly. She hugged him back, then pushed him gently away.

“I’ll come get you. Sleep well, luv.”

She closed the door softly behind her. Darren wandered over to the bed and lay down. Sleep sounded like a very good idea right now…

* * * * *

The concert had started, and Darren went through the motions of singing, his mind somewhere else entirely. He knew he wasn’t giving one of his best performances, but at the moment he couldn’t care less. He was too busy trying to keep his fragile control on his emotions. After crying himself to sleep last night, Darren had slammed down the strongest walls he could find to protect himself from feeling the rejection and pain he had suffered at Daniel’s hands. The shock had never completely worn off, which helped him in this endeavor. Darren, however, could feel the barriers splintering further with every second that passed. He didn’t know why it was happening now. Maybe it was because he tried to show so much of himself at concerts. Regardless, it was taking every ounce of attention he could divert to keep his emotions under wrap.

Wouldn’t want to have a breakdown here, he thought, a trace of bitterness coloring it. It’ll get back to Daniel, and I don’t need him knowing just how completely he destroyed me. With an internal sigh of relief, Darren finished the last notes of the song he was singing (he couldn’t even remember what it was now) and eagerly awaited the opening chords of the next song. Every song down was one closer to going someplace to fall apart in peace. Unfortunately for Darren, the next chords revealed that it was time for the Savage Garden set. Darren firmly ignored the ache in his heart and pasted a smile on his face, calling something inane to the crowds that was met by screams. Just don’t think of Danny. You can do this as long as you don’t think of Danny, he counseled himself.

For a while, it almost seemed to work. Darren easily got through To the Moon & Back. He stumbled a bit in The Lover After Me, but nothing that was incredibly noticeable. It seemed his wayward feelings were going to let him be, and as he easily voiced the lyrics to Affirmation, the firm hold he had on his emotions slipped a little. That was a mistake, Darren soon realized. He began the first verse to I Knew I Loved You.

“Maybe it’s intuition,” he sang as a wave of painful memories hit him.

He could see the smile on Daniel’s face when they bridged the gap between them. Somehow Darren managed to push on, although his hand was trembling. More images and feelings flickered through his head; the laughter dancing in Daniel’s eyes as the singer related a story to him. The warmth and security he always felt when Daniel hugged him. The dark, intense expression in Daniel’s eyes just before they had kissed. The soft brush of his short blonde hair on the singer’s cheek in the morning. The disgust and horror on Daniel’s face as he realized what had happened. The cold, harsh expression he had worn when he told Darren that he wanted everything to be over between them. It was too much.

“I think I’ve found my- my,” Darren stumbled to a halt as a black wave of pain, anger, and despair flooded him. It took the band a moment to realize Darren had stopped. They slowly petered out, staring at the singer in mingled curiosity and concern.

Darren was fighting an internal battle. He wanted to run off the stage now, to leave and find someplace to lick his wounds in peace. His pride, however, would not allow this. You can’t act like you’ve just lost the best thing in your life, the rational, pride-driven side of his mind told him. But haven’t I? he asked back. Yes, it answered frankly. Yes, you have. But do you really want Daniel and the rest of the world to know this? Just get this concert over with and then you can go back and let whatever you’re feeling out in peace. Right now, though, you have a job to do. It was that recollection that finally made up Darren’s mind.

He strolled over to his water bottle, giving himself a little more time to think of an excuse. Then, with a rueful smile, he turned back to the crowd.

“Can you believe it?” He asked in an amused, bantering tone. “I wrote that song. Sang it almost every night for a year, and I still managed to forget the words.” He sighed dramatically. “What they say about getting old must be true. Your memory is the first to go.”

The crowd laughed, a little uneasily, but still enough to break the tension that had settled over the venue. Darren signaled the band to continue with the next song. The rest of the concert passed without a hitch. The singer’s stubborn streak kicked in, forcing the memories at bay by sheer willpower. When the interminable concert finally drew to an end, Darren escaped the stage as quickly as possible. He headed for his dressing room, hoping to get there before Leonie caught up with him. His bad luck held, however, and Leo grabbed his arm just before he made it into the room.

“What was that out there?” She asked, her voice revealing a mixture of anger and worry.

Darren shrugged in response.

“I told you you should have sung those songs at the soundcheck. After all that talk about not forgetting your lyrics ever, too.”

“I didn’t forget!” Darren was stung into responding.

“Then what was that, huh?”

“Never mind, Leo,” Darren said, attempting to pull his arm out of Leonie’s firm grip. She merely tightened it and studied Darren’s face intently.

“This is about whatever happened between you and Daniel this week, isn’t it?”

Darren’s face smoothed into a glacially calm mask. “Leonie.” There was an unspoken threat in that tone, one that Leo automatically obeyed. “Drop it. Now. And let me go.”

He wrenched his arm away and whirled into the dressing room, firmly and promptly shutting the door and locking it in Leo’s face. He stood in the middle of the room, shaking slightly from the force of his feelings. His hands clenched and unclenched spasmodically. The sudden silence in the room was oppressive, pressing his thoughts in closer and closer to him. His frustration erupted and he kicked the couch violently. The loud “thunk” it made was incredibly satisfying. The singer paced around the room, fighting to keep the control he had imposed upon himself. He could feel it slipping, aided by his embarrassment over his too-obvious reaction to singing Savage Garden songs. His breathing quickened. Finally Darren snapped. He couldn’t take feeling the hurt, anger and shame any longer.

Darren stalked over to the vanity table and knocked everything on the floor. The crash helped assuage his feelings. He picked up the containers that had not broken or up-ended their contents and began hurling them at the door. The rhythmic thuds attracted the majority of the band, who stood staring at Darren’s door.

“Is he ok?” Angi asked hesitantly.

“Yeah, he’s fine,” Leonie said. A particularly violent thump punctuated her sentence. “I hope.”

Inside the room, Darren had run out of things to throw. He braced his hands on the table and stared at his reflection in the mirror. His anger grew as he watched himself. Look at you, the insidious little voice in his head murmured. Why would anyone, much less Daniel, want to be with you? You’re a failure. Your wife left you, your career is barely hanging on… what do you honestly think you have to offer? He couldn’t push the voice aside this time. Darren had always been inclined to be critical of himself. Until Savage Garden, he hadn’t really been exceptional in anything. That’s why he needed the crowds, the touring, the outward signs of people’s approval. It silenced the insecurities that had never truly ceased to plague him. Daniel never understood that. He’d always been self-assured in his abilities and therefore didn’t need the crowds and the visible signs of approbation.

As he thought this, Darren’s reflection blurred and shifted, reassembling itself to form Daniel’s familiar face. His expressive green eyes were cold and hard. “I wish you’d never come back here,” he mouthed at Darren, who let out an inarticulate cry of rage and pain and swung violently, desperately, at that image. The next moments were a blur of falling silver shards and searing pain.

The band snapped to attention when they heard the unmistakable sound of glass shattering. Leonie tensed and ran to the door. She pounded on it, yelling.

“Darren! Darren, are you all right?”

There was no response. Leonie jiggled the door handle. She sighed in frustration when she realized it was locked. Angi stepped up behind her and slipped a bobby pin out of her hair. She flashed Leonie a brief smile.

“I’m actually quite good at this,” she said. “My older brother used to think it was funny to lock me out of my room and hide the emergency keys, so this was an important talent to have.”

The woman knelt and inserted the bobby pin into the lock. She twisted it a little, then jimmied it up and down until they heard the distinctive click of the lock opening.

“Voilà!” Angi said, standing up and brushing the knees of her pants to remove the dust.

“Thanks,” Leonie answered distractedly, shoving the door open and stepping inside. She quickly took in the destruction around the room. Shattered plastic was scattered around the room, powders and other cosmetics littered the floor. What a mess, Leonie thought tiredly. But where’s Darren? Her eyes flicked over the room until they came to rest on a mess of shattered glass and a huddled figure sitting in the center of it.

“Darren?” She asked, stepping closer to him. “Darren, are you ok?”

The singer straightened a little, looking up at Leonie with eyes bright from withheld tears. He was holding his hand protectively to his chest. A red stain was spreading across the shirt, originating from where the hand was resting. Leonie blinked. A red stain? Before she’d even truly registered what that meant she was moving to Darren’s side. With gentle fingers she pulled Darren’s hand away from his chest. He whimpered softly.

“Oh, Darren,” Leonie whispered, staring at his hand. A long gash curved viciously along the edge of the fleshy part of his left hand to almost his pinky finger. It was deep. Definitely going to need stitches, Leonie thought distantly. There was so much blood. It was pouring down Darren’s forearm, dripping onto the floor and staining the carpet a bright red. She felt slightly sick, but forced herself to really evaluate the wound. Darren was going to need to get to a hospital, but it didn’t seem too deep. Hopefully he’d be ok.

“It hurts,” Darren whispered, his voice shaking slightly. He looked small and vulnerable. His face was so white. Leonie felt her heart contract. She let go of Darren’s hand and pressed a kiss on his forehead.

“I know, Dare.” She stood up and grabbed a clean towel that hadn’t been thrown on the floor. Then she walked over to the singer and helped him up. “Come on. Put that on your hand and let’s go.”

“Go where?” Darren asked.

“You need your hand looked at. Which means we get to make a late-night trip to the emergency room.”

Darren whitened even more, if possible, but did not protest. Instead, he followed her out the door and out to their van. The ache in his hand did nothing to distract him from the ache in his heart. Instead, the two pounded in counterpoint to each other, a complex melody of pain. With a tired sigh, Darren settled in for a very long night.

 

 

~Chapter Eleven - A Light In Your Eyes~

 

 

~Chapter Twelve - A Step Too Far~

 

“Darren…” Daniel stared at the singer, his eyes almost… hungry. But that couldn’t be right. Hungry would imply that Daniel wanted something from him, and Darren knew that couldn’t be true. He was just projecting his own feelings on Daniel. But he’s here. Why? What does he want? Is this… no. Darren firmly shunted that voice aside. He couldn’t afford to get his hopes up, as the twinge in his hand reminded him. Carefully, he schooled his expression into polite neutrality.

“Daniel, what are you doing here?”

Daniel shoved himself upright. “I came to see you. I had to. Darren, I’m so sorry about what happened before you left.”

Darren looked behind him almost nervously.

“Not here,” he hissed. “Come inside and we’ll talk if you need to.”

The singer quickly closed the distance between them and stood at the door, fumbling for the key. Daniel was standing close, too close for Darren’s peace of mind. Memories were rushing back, assailing his senses. His hands trembled as he pulled the key out of his pocket. Darren shoved the key in the slot, praying that it would work this time. Fate did not seem to be on his side, however, as the lock light flashed red. Darren glared at it, feeling a sense of angry betrayal. It wasn’t fair.

“Here, let me,” Daniel said softly. He placed his hand over the singer’s and guided it through the motions again, ignoring the sudden rigidity in the man beside him. When the lock opened, Daniel pushed on the door, but Darren jumped backwards a good three feet. There was a panicked expression on his face.

“No!” He cried, louder than he had intended. “No, stop it. What are you doing here? What do you want from me, Daniel? And don’t you dare treat me like we’re friends. You made it clear that was not something you wanted.”

Daniel winced. “Daz, come inside. I promise I’m not here to yell at you again. I’m just here to talk. I need to talk to you. Please, Darren?”

Darren stared at him, weighing the truth of his words. There was a strange, trapped look in the singer’s eyes. Daniel’s heart contracted when he saw that look, and he had to fight to keep his posture open and relaxed, and not come closer to Darren. The singer wouldn’t appreciate the gesture now, Daniel knew, but it still hurt. He knew he was the one who put that look there, and it was not something he was proud of. That look was a silent testimony to how much Daniel had hurt the older man a few weeks ago.

“Daz, please. I really need to talk to you.”

Darren hesitated a moment longer, then nodded his head jerkily.

“Fine,” he agreed. “Let’s get this over with.”

Once again Darren closed the distance between the two, but this time made sure to keep more than a respectable distance apart from Daniel. He slipped into the room, trying so obviously to keep from touching Daniel that he knocked the entire right side of his body against the doorframe. The guitarist followed him inside, respectful of desired distance. Once inside, both men’s gazes were drawn to the huge bed that dominated the room. Darren hesitated for a moment, then made a beeline for the one chair farthest from the bed. He curled into it and dragged his knees up until he could rest his chin on top of them. His entire posture screamed “unapproachable”. The singer then turned cool blue eyes in Daniel’s direction.

“Well?” He asked.

Daniel shuffled uncomfortably for a moment, disturbed by the coldness in Darren’s gaze. Finally, he blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

“I heard you got hurt.”

“Yeah, I figured. Come to gloat?” The bitterness was unmistakable.

“Of course not!”

“Oh, right. You tell me you never want to see me again, that you wish I hadn’t come back. Then you see on the news that stupid Diva Darren hurt himself, and suddenly here you are, sitting on my doorstep. And I’m supposed to believe you aren’t here to gloat?”

“Dare…” What could he say to that? “Dare, I honestly didn’t know you were hurt before I got here. I had already made the decision to see you when I found out.”

“Oh, yeah? Who told you, then?”

Daniel hesitated. “Leonie. I came to the concert this evening. I wanted to see you. But Leonie wouldn’t let me in. She told me I’d hurt you enough, and then she told me about the accident. She wanted to make me feel guilty. It worked.” Daniel laughed self-deprecatingly. “Not that I wasn’t before, mind you.”

“Ahh, Leo. Always looking out for me. Of course she couldn’t resist making you feel worse. She never really liked you, you know.”

“Yeah, I’d guessed.” The pair fell silent again. Daniel shifted his weight from one foot to the other, trying to think up something to keep the conversation going. Darren glanced at him, then looked away.

“So, if Leo wouldn’t let you in, how did you get here?”

Daniel blushed a little and said, “Well, uh… I listened to your fans at the concert. They mentioned you were staying here. So I took a chance and drove over. And then I convinced the desk clerk to let me stay and wait for you.”

“You went to a lot of trouble, then. Why?”

“Darren… I had to. I had to see you, to talk to you in person. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since you left.” He paused to gauge the effect his words had on the older man, but Darren was pointedly ignoring his gaze. He sighed a little; it wasn’t like he hadn’t been prepared for this reaction, but it didn’t mean he had to like it.

“Anyway, all that thinking actually did some good. I came to a few important conclusions about myself and my relationship to the people important to me, especially in regards to you and Kat.”

“Kat,” Darren repeated. “And how did she take the news that you had cheated on her, with another guy, nonetheless?”

“I didn’t exactly tell her about that,” Daniel said, looking guilty again. “I, um, figured that it wasn’t something she really needed to know about.”

“Of course not. Especially as the person you committed the indiscretion with lives on another continent altogether, and you kicked him rather rudely out of your life.”

“Not for that reason,” Daniel protested, feeling a spark of anger. Darren’s tone was scathing, and it was hard to listen to it without feeling a surge of irritation. He tamped it down, though, realizing that Darren had a right to speak to him the way he was. “I just… I wasn’t very nice to her after you left. I was so confused, and I was beginning to realize something important about the relationship between Kat and I. So one night, after I was mean to her, she packed up and left. I had a week to myself, and I actually put it to good use. Kat and I… well, I love her, but I’m not in love with her. I realized that. So before I left to come here, I found her and told her it was over. I didn’t think that it was appropriate at that point to tell her that I was leaving her because…” Daniel faltered for a second under Darren’s still-cold gaze, but gathered his courage and continued. “Because I wanted someone else. I thought that would be too cruel.”

“And we wouldn’t want to be cruel to Kathleen. It’s perfectly all right to be a jackass to your once-partner, but oh, no, we can’t hurt Kathleen.”

Daniel didn’t have a response to that. He knew his behavior had been unacceptable, and he knew that Darren was hurt by it, but he hadn’t understood until now just how much he had hurt the singer that day. Darren’s buoyant personality and natural optimism normally kept him from falling into bitterness or holding a grudge, but it was obvious that Daniel’s actions from before had cut deep enough that Darren wasn’t going to let go of his pain anytime soon. Daniel looked away and bit his lower lip. He didn’t blame Darren, but… he didn’t want to leave with Darren still mad at him, either.

An awkward silence fell between them. Neither man spoke. The only sounds were the rustling of clothing as Daniel shifted his weight again, too uncomfortable to sit down. Darren finally sighed and looked up at the tall musician.

“Daniel, why did you come here? Certainly not to tell me you’d broken up with Kathleen. And an apology could have been made on the phone.”

“If I had called you, wouldn’t you have hung up on me?” Daniel asked softly. Darren looked down and didn’t respond. “I thought so. Darren… I came because I needed you to understand just how sorry I am.”

Daniel took a few steps closer so that he was next to Darren’s chair, then knelt so that he and the singer were eye-level. One of his hands reached up to cover Darren’s where it rested on the arm of the chair. The singer flinched but didn’t pull away.

“Darren, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said to you that day. I was just… scared. And so I reacted, and made you leave me alone the only way I could think of. And it was a bad way. I just needed time to think, and you forced that conversation…”

“So now it’s my fault??” Darren’s voice rose at the end. He yanked his hand away from Daniel’s and curled tighter in on himself.

“No!” Daniel said, catching Darren’s hand again and holding it firmly. “I didn’t mean to say that. I’m not as good with words as you are, Dare. I’m just trying to explain why I did what I did. I didn’t mean it. I think… I think I might be able to love you, Darren. But that scared me. It still does.”

The taller man hesitated for a moment, then lowered his eyes.

“I know I don’t deserve it, but… forgive me. I want to still be friends, Dazza. I’m not against us being even more, either, but I understand that you might not want that after the way I treated you before. Do you think we can go back to being friends, at least?”

Daniel glanced up to see the singer looking off into the distance. His eyes were glazed over, and there was a frown marring his brow. Daniel felt his chest tighten. Darren looked completely unmoved by Daniel’s last confession. The guitarist wondered if this silence was all the answer he was going to get. After what seemed like an eternity, Daniel couldn’t stand the silence anymore.

“Darren?” He asked hesitantly. The singer jumped, then looked down at Daniel. For the first time, the cold façade that Darren had worn slipped a little, and Daniel could see the hurt in those bright blue eyes. Darren studied his once-partner for a long moment, then sighed softly.

“Daniel… I don’t know what to say. Thank you for coming, I guess. It does mean something that you came to find me. And thanks for the apology. I know you meant it.”

Darren fell silent again, his eyes closing briefly. Daniel couldn’t breathe. This was a better response than the one he had dreaded receiving, but… it wasn’t exactly what he had allowed himself to hope for, either.

“As for us being friends… I don’t know, Daniel. I really don’t. What you said to me…” the singer stopped and shivered briefly. “I’m not sure I can just forget that. And I know I’m not ready to forgive it, either. It hurt too badly.”

“So that’s it?” Daniel said in a voice he could barely recognize as his own. Darren looked at him, the blue orbs surprisingly calm.

“For now, yes. That’s all I can offer you, Daniel. I appreciate your apology, but I’m not quite ready to accept it. I don’t know when I will be.”

The two stared at each other. Green eyes filled with pain met sad but clear blue ones. Daniel could see the finality of Darren’s decision there, and he choked back the words that wanted to pour out. Silently, he nodded. The guitarist moved to stand up and pull his hand off of Darren’s when it was caught by the singer’s in a light but strong grip.

“Daniel,” he said softly. “This isn’t necessarily forever, although it might be. I can’t tell you for sure right now.”

“I know,” Daniel said in that strange, unnatural tone. He stopped, then decided to risk it. “If… if you ever decide that I’m forgiven, please call me. I’ll wait for as long as you need.”

“Even forever?” Darren asked, his eyes calculating Daniel’s sincerity.

“Even forever.” Daniel squeezed the hand that was holding his lightly, then gently detached himself from the singer and stepped away. He walked to the door, hoping to be called back by Darren, but the singer said nothing, even when Daniel opened the door and stepped outside. The click of the door shutting was the last noise Daniel heard. He stood in the hallway, looking at the door, and whispered,

“As long as it takes.”