Confused by Elaine Hayes

I opened my eyes and yawned tiredly, stretching slightly. I sat up just as the doorbell rang. "Lee?" I called out, expecting it to be Leonie.

No answer.

I stood up and lifted my arms over my head, stretching more. Suddenly Leonie walked through the door. "Oh, hey," I greeted her. "Is something wrong?"

She stared at me, but didn't say a word. Turning, she lifted my notebook off the desk, thumbing through its pages.

"Hey, Leo!" I cried out, hurrying over. "Those--I'm still in the middle of those." But my voice trailed off as I saw her eyes tear up. She ran her fingers over the chorus of "Desperate."

"Oh, Darren..." she whispered. "These are beautiful."

"You're beautiful, too," I said, half-joking. Something. Anything to get her to talk to me! But she shook her head.

"No, Darren," she denied. She pivoted and left with the notebook.

I followed her. "Hey--what are you doing with that?" I yelled as she walked out the door. She didn't answer me. She got into her car and drove away.

That was bizarre.

Shaking my head, I turned and went back to my room, clicking on the computer. I tried to remember the words to the new songs and typed as much as I could remember--one page.

"Damn," I muttered, staring into space. "Why did she take my notebook?"

I turned on the TV. "...Darren Hayes, formerly the lead singer of Savage Garden," Gideon Yago finished informing the viewing world.

I frowned. "What? Whats that about me?"

Nothing, no answer I could comprehend.

I stood up and went to take a shower. For some reason I couldn't get the water to go hot enough. But I let the icy water fall over me anyway.

Someone knocked on my door again just as I was walking out of the bathroom. I groaned. "Oh, not again," I sighed, shaking the water out of my hair.

Whoever it was at the door--I could tell by the voice that it was a guy--muttered something to himself that I couldn't hear. Then he opened the door.

"What'd you say?" I called out, digging the water out of my ear. "Oh, Daniel..." I bit my lip. "What's up?"

Daniel never met my gaze. He walked in and sat down on the couch as if it were his own. He stared at the carpet, crossing his arms over his stomach. "Darren, I'm so sorry for everything."

"You dont have to apologize--" I began.

"I know you were a lot happier in the band rather than being a solo artist, and I just feel so bad that I took it all away from you," Daniel told me.

"Let's not talk about that," I brushed it off. Too heavy of a subject. "Hey, has Leonie been acting weird around you? She came by today and wouldn't talk to me, looked at me weird..." Just thinking about it made me shudder.

"Leonie thinks you and I should have kept the band formed, too," Daniel explained. "She doesn't want to admit it, but she does."

"So she's blaming me for being a solo artist?" I lifted my eyebrow. "She's been crazy! We all know that Savage Garden will never be formed ever again."

Daniel didn't say anything else for a long time. He leaned forward and rested his hands on either side of his face, staring down at the coffee table at the top of his vision. Finally, he said, "Look, Darren, I've got to get going." He stood up and walked toward the door. "This was a stupid idea," he muttered, shaking his head as he left.

"That was weird," I murmured, watching out the window as he pulled out of the driveway and left. Turning, I bent to pick up the TV Guide, but stopped short.

There were several tears lying still in their own pain on the coffee table.

My eyes widened. "Why would he cry here?" I dropped the TV Guide back where it was and decided to take a short run.

Halfway down the block I saw her. "Oh, no way," I shook my head wryly. Colby was out jogging across the street.

"Colby!" I called, waving.

She turned around to see who was calling her, but didn't see me, and kept running.

I hurried across the street. "Colb!" I was close enough behind her that I knew she heard me now. But she still didn't turn around. At last I stopped and watched her run away. "Well, if that's how you want to be..."

Boy, everyone was acting weird today! What was going on?

"Hey, Darren," someones voice rang out behind me.

I spun and breathed a sigh of relief. "Hey, Deanna." My new girlfriend stood there, smiling mysteriously. "How are you?"

"It doesn't matter how I am," Deanna replied. "How are you?"

This was really puzzling. "Uh, I'm fine, Dee. Why?"

She gazed at me enigmatically, her dark eyes sparkling. "You don't remember, do you?"

I frowned. "Remember what?"

Deanna grinned. "Come with me." And she looped her arm through mine, tugging me down the sidewalk. I had no choice but to follow her.

As we walked, I got the eerie feeling that she wasn't from here on Earth. The way she kept smiling at me, it was as if she were from some place mystical. She was acting almost spiritual.

Coughing, I tried to make conversation. "So, Dee, what's up?"

She stared at me cryptically. She said nothing for the longest time. Then, "...Nothing."

We walked in silence for a while, and my mind was reeling, trying to figure out what the hell was with everyone.

After a while, Deanna finally spoke again. "So, Darren," she began. "Anyone come over today?"

I nodded. "Yeah, actually. Leonie and Daniel, one right after the other. It was so weird--Lee took my song notebook without even asking, and Daniel... He was sad about something, apparently; he cried a little. Now that I think about it, Lee was sad, too."

Deanna nodded slowly. "Did she tell you why? Did Daniel?"

I couldn't figure out where she was going with these questions. "No. In fact, Leo didn't even say anything to me--like she was mad at me and upset about it at the same time. And Daniel was all apologetic for breaking up the band."

Just then a truck from behind swerved dangerously close to us. I grabbed Deanna and pulled her to the side, and we fell into someone's front yard. "Geez," I muttered, staring after it as we stood up. "What was up with that guy?"

Deanna actually laughed. "Dar, there was no need for that little drama," she told me. "It was no big deal. Talk about an overreaction."

My eyes widened. "What? Dee, it almost hit us! And he didn't even honk the horn! How can you say it was no big deal? My God, are you out of your mind?"

Suddenly Deanna grew sober, her face now serious. "No. I'm not. But trust me, there is an explanation. Trust me, you'll find out what it is in time."

Without a word we continued walking, and I darted confused looks at her. What in the world was she talking about?

Out of nowhere Deanna slung an arm around me. "I love you," she said somberly, almost tragically. "You should know that, okay?"

Now I was really puzzled. "Deanna, please tell me what's going on!"

She just shook her head and walked away.

I was left to stand there, curious and confused. What the fuck was with everybody? Was I the one losing my mind?

"I'm dreaming," I murmured softly, watching Deanna leave. "That's it! I'll just pinch myself and wake up." I pinched my arm, wanting to awake and leave this strange dream in my memory. But it was so strange. While I didn't wake up, I didn't feel any pain. It was as if my left arm was numb. All the way from my mid-forearm down, and my the side of my face was strangely numb also. But those were the only parts of my body that were numb.

Boy, this was one weird day.

I turned and continued home.

When I got back to my house, I checked the mail. There were a couple bills, a small catalog, and a letter with no return address. It was simply addressed, "Darren." No postmark. Inquisitive, I opened it.

DARREN--

YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN CAREFUL.

--A FRIEND.

Now what was going on? I just threw it away, not even wanting to deal with it. Just add it to the long, long list of mysterious events going on.

"What do you think of that?"

Startled, I jumped. Then I turned and saw... Deanna? How did she get here so damn fast? For a moment I just stared. Then I voiced my concern. "Dee, how... What... Were you behind me the whole way home?"

She still had on her enigmatic smile. "That's for me to know and you to find out. Come on."

We walked out the door again. Well, it wasn't like I had no choice--I could have stayed. But she just left, and I was by now so curious that I couldn't just stay and ignore all this. I had to find out the mystery.

We continued on down the street for a while, and then suddenly Deanna spoke up. "Darren, how do you feel about Daniel? I mean, how do you honestly feel about him, in your heart?"

It took me a little while to answer. Finally I said, "I love him. We had some great times in the band, and we grew to be closer than just band mates. We were brothers. And more." I sighed sadly. "I feel bad he was suffering and didn't tell me. But even though he destroyed Savage Garden, he will always hold a special place inside my heart."

Deanna smiled. "Powerful words, Darren," she said softly. "Did he ever know this?"

I shook my head. "No. I wish I'd told him before we parted so sourly. But now... now I think there would just be too much pain involved to talk to him again."

"It's never too late to forgive," Deanna told me. "Not even when life ends."

Weird comment. I shrugged as we continued on. "Well, it's not like I can just pop over and say sorry. He's probably working with Aneiki."

"He's not," Deanna informed me. "I know this for a fact. Let's go."

I thought about it a moment, then nodded, relief breaking out over my face. "Yeah. Let's go."

We ran all the way there. That should have ticked me off to the truth, I later thought. It was a long walk to Danny's house, and we got there pretty fast.

Pausing just outside the door, we stood there a second, catching our breath. Deanna placed a hand on my shoulder. "Darren, I wish you luck with this."

I nodded and walked inside, swinging the door open as I did so. Then my jaw dropped open and my eyes widened, surprised, at the scene before me.

Daniel was sitting at his kitchen table. That wasn't unusual. What was weird was that he was burying his face in his arms and sobbing. Not crying. Full out sobbing. "Oh, God, Darren," he whimpered. "I'm so sorry! I should have kept the band together. I'm so sorry!"

"Danny, why are you so upset?" I asked, stepping closer to him. "I told you, I forgive you--" And then it hit me. I hadn't told him that I forgave him for splitting from the band. Maybe that was why he was so miserable. Regretful now, I walked up to him and hugged him silently.

He stopped crying, seeming to relax. Dan took several deep breaths and finally said, "I love you, Darren. I hope you find happiness now."

"I will, Danny," I nodded, getting a bit teary myself. "I love you, too. See you."

When I walked outside a few minutes later, Deanna searched my face curiously. Then she bit her lip. "You still don't know, do you?"

"Know what?"

That seemed to answer her question. "No. You don't." She sighed. "Come on, Darren. There's something else that you need to see."

Slowly we walked through the streets. "Where are we going?" I wondered aloud.

Deanna held my hand. "You'll see."

After several long minutes, we arrived at a local hospital. I blanched. "Why are we here? Is someone I know sick?" Horror hit me. "Is it Lee? Or Colby? I just saw them both earli--Oh, God. Is it Becca?" Becca Carlson was the woman I'd dated during the making of Affirmation.

Shaking her head, Deanna tightened her grip on my hand. But she didn't answer my question about who was here. "Brace yourself."

We walked inside, straight to the elevators. Deanna hit the button for the second floor, and we rose indiscernibly. When the elevator stopped, we walked through the halls until we reached a door marked with one word.

When I saw that word, I knew instantly what had happened. Leonie, Daniel, Colby... Dan's crying earlier, Lee taking my notebook, Colb not answering me... But somehow I stubbornly clung to the belief that it wasn't what I thought.

The door was marked MORGUE.

Deanna pushed open the door and we stepped inside quietly. Over in the corner a body lay under a sheet, still unrevealed to us. Deanna and I walked over to it.

"Am I going to know this person?" I whispered.

"Sadly, yes," Deanna answered. "Very much, in fact." She pulled down the sheet.

And I looked down into the face of Darren Hayes. Me. I was dead. The body--my body--was scarred on its left arm and the left side of its face. I remembered the accident: walking across the street, the out-of-control tractor trailer truck slamming into me, my body skidding across the road on my left side... I'd gotten third degree burns. But it hadn't mattered because I'd died instantly upon impact.

Everything made sense. "They couldn't see me because I was dead," I murmured, staring at my motionless body. "Nobody could... But you did, Deanna. Why?"

My beautiful girlfriend licked her lips and stepped back. "Because I'm not alive either," she answered. And just then, beautiful white wings unfolded from behind her. "I was your guardian angel. I couldn't save you this time, because it was your time to go."

I just stood there, stunned. Dead! I was dead... My eyes filled with tears. "Oh, dear Lord," I whispered. The tears spilled over.

"Why are you crying?" Deanna asked.

"Danny," I murmured. "He'll never know how much I loved him."

"He knows," Deanna told me, hugging me gently. "Remember? I know what happened in the kitchen. He knew you were forgiving him. He may not believe how, but he knows."

I wiped my face. "At least Leonie will know I care about her, too," I said, referring to a song called "Beautiful" I'd written about her in my notebook. I hadn't mentioned her name in the song, but at the bottom I'd written that it was dedicated to her. Also to Becca, Colby, and Deanna.

Deanna pulled away from me. "Ready to go?" she questioned softly. She took my hand.

I nodded. "Let's go."

And we walked down the hall and up the stairs... to Heaven.