Cool breeze and autumn leaves
Slow motion daylight
A lone pair of watchful eyes
Oversee the living
Daniel linked his fingers together and rested his hands on his head, leaning back in his black reclining chair and gazing out the window.
He still couldn't believe that Darren was gone... Forever.
My fault... my fault... my fault... Daniel always had, and always would, blame himself for Darren's death. After the band's break-up, Darren had been all set to release his debut solo album Spin, and then...
He sat up and shook his head, trying not to remember the grisly, horrible, gruesome details of the murder. Murder. That's what it had been.
"I can't think about it," Daniel told himself, and started to work on the new song again. It was kind of a melancholic one about a death, very similar to "You Can Still Be Free" with a little hint of hope from the song "There You'll Be" and the desperation of "You're Not From Here". For the sake of Darren's memory, he was experimenting in writing, though he never had wanted to try it before. Lifting his pencil, he began to write some more.
Memories... reminiscent... of a past...
Hoping... against hope that... it could last...
Wondering why... it ended... splitting the sky...
Trying to see... the reason... for having to cry...
Feel the presence all around
A tortured soul
A wound unhealing
No regrets or promises
Daniel dropped the pencil, a slight shiver racing down his spine. He could... feel... something in the air... It was so strange. Almost like...
But no. No. Completely impossible. He didn't believe in ghosts, or spirits, or whatever. Darren had. He never had accepted it as even slightly possible. There was just no way. But... it was unrealistic and infeasible.
But could it actually be?
No part of Darren's memory had faded. Daniel knew he would never forget any detail about the band, and about his best friend. Love had made sure of that. Even when they were apart, it was like they were together, they communicated back and forth so much and called so much.
He rested his forehead on the edge of the desk, lost in memories. Yes, they had been a couple at times. Only a few people had known, although countless fans suspected, Daniel knew, from the way Darren acted onstage. But he more than made up for it by going the other way and basically acting like a wannabe sex god sometimes, especially during the song "Chained to You" with the little Elvis parody. Hardly anyone had guessed that Darren had been bi, not just gay. And Daniel didn't think anybody had known that he was bi, too.
The past is gone
But you can still be free...
If time will set you free...
Almost without realizing it, Daniel had been mentally playing "You Can Still Be Free" in his mind. But as he did, tears welled up in his eyes and he felt a flashback coming on -- the band's split, the discovery, the attack, the death...
He sat up and brushed away at the tears smeared down his face. After the split, of course, Darren had worked on a solo album while Daniel had begun to write songs with different bands. But just when the solo album had been about to be released, Darren had been... attacked. It was at an awards show -- ironically enough, a small movie awards show in his hometown of Brisbane. Some crazed fan -- actually ex-fan -- had wielded a knife at him and slashed his throat.
Both Darren and Daniel had been devastated at the news: due to the damage, Darren could not never sing again. Ever. He wasn't even able to talk. The worst part of all this was that he had been told this news while still dependant upon IVs; apparently they'd been hoping that he would not be able to understand what they were telling him. But he had. And it had struck a resonant chord in him that would never be stopped.
Slowly Darren had begun to kill himself. He'd refused to eat and pulled out countless IVs. How he did this while only half alive they hadn't known; he'd even still been on life support! But Daniel knew that Darren would rather be dead than unable to sing. It was his whole life.
And then that one horrible day...
Time now to spread your wings
To take to flight
The life endeavor
Aim for the burning sun
He picked up the pencil once more and tried to think, but threw it across the room angrily. He wasn't a writer. What was he thinking? Who could ever have told him that he could write?
Nobody, that was who. No one at all. Just himself. And he was wrong.
Ohh, if only Darren were here, Daniel thought mournfully. He could easily finish this stupid song in ten minutes. Then again, if Darren were there, he wouldn't even need to write the song.
Nothing was ever the same since the breakup.
It wasn't the band's split Daniel was currently thinking about, but the time when Darren and Daniel had broken up. Then it was all downhill from there. When they'd been together, it hadn't been so bad, being in the spotlight all the time, because Darren had been there for him, to calm him down when he felt suffocated.
But then Daniel had abruptly broken up with him, being afraid of the strength of the emotions he was feeling for his best friend. That was why he'd forced the band to take a long vacation while he tried to figure out what exactly was going on with his own self.
Then the band had split apart, their friendship severed for always... Then, the attack... Daniel shuddered. He could have prevented Darren's murder.
You're trapped inside
But you can still be free
If time will set you free
But it's a long, long way to go
Daniel rested his head on his arms, pushing the paper aside. Once again he could tell that he was crying... again.
He knew the real reason of Darren's death. The crazed fan, angered at Darren for breaking up the band -- apparently she had liked Daniel more, which he didn't understand at all -- had slashed Darren up out of fury. She was arrested, but just for assault and attempted murder. The police, the court hadn't seen that she had killed Darren. She had ruined his life so bad, that he'd woken up one morning, deadened, dulled, and sick of life, and, knowing he was killing himself, pulled out the life support cord. In moments he was dead.
Daniel had been the one to discover his bleeding broken body. He was bleeding from the small puncture wound (the IV location), and broken because he had given up too soon on life. Daniel would never, ever forget the sight of that: Darren's pale face, closed eyes, hand still gripping the cord from the wall... Horribly enough, he had even been smiling. Happy. Relieved. Joyful. Free.
Somewhere, though, Darren had found the strength to write something. On the tablet that people signed in on, he'd scrawled, barely legibly,
I'm sorry, Jonesy. I love you. Goodbye. Then, as if it were a joke, he'd added,
Darren Hayes, signing out with the time and date after it.
Keep moving
Way up high
You see the light
It shines forever
Daniel lifted his head, jarred by something. He frowned, wondering why he'd felt a strange urge to look up. But as soon as his eyes fell on the paper, he realized why he'd gotten the sudden feeling that he should get up. Underneath the last words he had written was a new addition.
Looking through the eyes of one
No one knows what he has done
But be free of guilt, the tears, the pain
Know that some things can be the same
...Can't they, Jonesy?
Daniel froze as he read the last line. He didn't say anything, just looked around with wide eyes at the room and knew that he was not alone, that there was a presence in the room -- Darren's spirit was in there. "...Darren?" Of course, there was no answer. Daniel swallowed hard and turned to his computer, typing up the now completed song. When he finished, he printed it out and lied it with the tape of the song's music. But he saved the written copy, with Darren's message.
Sail through the crimson skies
The purest light
The light that sets you free
If time will set you free
Strangely calm now, Daniel gazed up into the sky at the crimson sun briefly. High, wispy clouds stretched across the sky, signifying... hope? How did he get that from the clouds?
But it didn't matter. He would never stop believing, now, that Darren's presence was still all around, even though he was gone, even though he had wanted to be gone. He had finally found peace, if only through dying, however sad it was.
Daniel traced the message on the page lightly, wondering how in the world Darren had been able to write it without a pen or pencil -- he had thrown it across the room way earlier, and it still lay over there, propped up against the wall.
If only...
The words beat his brain, torturing him. If only he hadn't broken up with Darren. Then the band may not have split up and Darren wouldn't have been attacked, and he wouldn't have killed himself.
If only...
Daniel sighed and looked out the window again. A white dove flew high in the air through the air. Didn't white doves symbolize peace or something?
He frowned and picked up the picture of Darren he always kept on his desk in a silver frame, once more memorizing his late best friend's face.
If only...
Sail through the wind and rain tonight...
Raindrops began to fall through the sky. Startled, Daniel looked up at the wispy clouds -- they had slowly turned into dark, gray, heavy storm clouds. All in what seemed a matter of minutes.
"Oh, Daz," whispered Daniel. He could almost hear Darren's joking "What's wrong, Jonesy?" He swallowed hard and wiped at the single tear that escaped down his face, sorrow over the nine-month-long absence of his friend.
A harsh wind blew outside. Daniel suddenly thought of a line from "You Can Still Be Free". Standing abruptly, he hurried to the door and shoved it open, dashing outside to the pouring rain. The rain quickly soaked him from head to toe, droplets dripping from his hair into his eyes.
But he kept running, gasping out that particular line. "Sail... through... the wind... and rain... tonight..." He wasn't as good of a singer as Darren had always been, but he had done some minor singing for the first album. Just background stuff, nothing major. But for some reason, he couldn't stop singing the lyrics to "You Can Still Be Free". He ran through the streets. Brisbane wasn't quite asleep yet, and he was sure he looked rather crazy, running so fast and singing so strangely.
But still he ran and vocalized.
You're free to fly tonight
And you can still be free
If time will set you free
Finally, his pounding heart and raspy breathing forced him to stop to catch some air. Daniel looked around to find a place to rest, and his eyes fell upon a bench on the other side of the street. He quickly crossed the road and collapsed onto the bench.
As Daniel rested his elbows on his legs, he struggled to catch his breath. He looked down at the ground, closing his eyes, and he wasn't sure if the wetness on his face was from the rain, sweat, or from the tears he'd cried during the whole run.
"Will it ever end?" He wondered aloud. Will this misery ever cease?
Somehow he knew that he'd probably have been able to get over Darren's death a lot easier, and a lot quicker, if the two guys hadn't gone out for so long, if Daniel hadn't fallen so deeply in love with him. But as it was, he felt that he had slashed Darren's throat, the agony over losing him was so bad.
Daniel could still see Darren lying so helplessly in that hospital bed... So pale. So weak. So hopeless. He'd given up when he learned that he couldn't sing again. No matter what anyone said, Daniel knew that Darren would just slowly kill himself by starvation and the way he'd given up on... everything. If he'd lived, he would have died anyway, died slower.
He sighed and brushed the tears away angrily, hating himself for Darren's murder. Murder. Caused by him through a downhill, snowballing, lethal chain of events.
But in the end, was he really to blame?
And going higher than mountain tops
(Free to fly tonight)
And go high like the wind, don't stop
And go high
Free to fly tonight
Free to fly tonight
Free to fly tonight
Free to fly tonight
Free to fly tonight...
Daniel swallowed hard and looked up at the night sky. How had it gotten so dark so fast?
A strange calm settled over him, calming him down. He sighed in relief as he suddenly realizing that he was starting to forgive himself for Darren's death.
He stood up and looked around, feeling that Darren was here somewhere. Softly, he murmured aloud, "Goodbye, Daz. I love you."
Darren stood back a little ways behind Daniel, watching over him carefully. He smiled, knowing Daniel was going to absolve himself. He never had been to blame for Darren's suicide. It was the thought of a life without singing, without doing the thing he'd loved most in life.
He leaned against the tree, still observing his best friend walk the long way home, slowly. Only when he knew that Daniel was home did he softly reply, "I love you, too, Jonesy. Goodbye." He knew now that Daniel was going to be all right.
Relieved and finally at peace now, Darren turned and faded away into the night.
