When We Two Parted

[When we two parted in silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted, to sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold, colder thy kiss,
Truly that hour foretold sorrow to this!]

There was a long silence.

Darren finally broke it. "...Why?" he asked softly, his voice broken and shaking. "Why are you doing this, Dan?"

His best friend stared down at the floor, feeling incessantly guilty. "I just can't do this anymore," Daniel admitted softly. "All the time away from my family, all this attention... God, little girls have... posters of us on their walls!"

Darren sighed heavily. "But... Dan, this is my life. I mean, part of the reason Colby and I split is because of all the time I wasn't home. You're... you're leaving me with nothing!"

"You have your solo album coming out," Daniel was quick to add.

"Yeah, but..." Darren trailed off, looking away with an unreadable expression. "I can't believe you'd do this. If you didn't want to keep making music, why'd you even place the ad?"

"Don't do this to me," Daniel argued. "If I had known I would feel sick of the business, I would never have placed it. Believe me."

Darren had said the comment out of anger. Now he stared, aghast, at his former best friend. "You don't mean that."

His friend said nothing. Then, choked up, "I'm sorry. I guess... I guess this is goodbye." The two embraced, and shared one last kiss before parting. For some reason, however, Daniel noticed that the kiss was chilly, almost... almost like his heart.

[The dew of the morning sunk chill on my brow;
It felt like the warning of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken and light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken and share in its shame.]

Several months later, Daniel sat outside on the steps in the early morning. The grass so near to the street glistened with the early-morning dew, bright saffron-colored dandelions popping up everywhere. They almost formed a sad face near the steps he was resting on.

"Guilt," he uttered, recognizing the emotion. Guilt for the hiatus, guilt for the lack of tours, but most of all, guilt for breaking up the band.

He sighed, pinning his lower lip between his teeth and biting down. As soon as he felt the blood, however, he let go. There he went again... Just doing things without thinking of the consequences. Without considering what may happen.

Everything was reminding him of him. Daniel stood up and went inside to lie down, turning on the radio. Country... static... rap... static... Daniel spun the dial to his favorite station.

"When moonlight crawls along..."

Off went the radio. But of course, the song had now wormed its way into Daniel's mind, and would not be denied its right of driving him crazy with guilt.

He fell into a sleep of unrest and confusing, pain-filled dreams.

[They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me-
Why wert thou so dear?]

Daniel kept his head down in line at the movies -- Meg Ryan's much-talked-about movie was coming out. But knowing how fans knew how much he liked her, he didn't want to risk taking the chance that somebody would recognize him.

The damned inevitable questions... "Why did Savage Garden split?" "Was Darren gay?" "Are you going to come out with a solo album?" "Do you ever think of singing?" "Why didn't you have a tour before you split?" "Whose idea was it to split up?" That one was a nobrainer. Darren still was in the business, and Daniel was invisible. Hmm, which one?

He understood their point of view, of course; it was just unnerving. He would think he was going to have a normal day, and then BAM! Time for Twenty Questions Bombardment.

"...arren Hayes?" Instinctively Daniel turned to see who had mentioned his former friend. Out of the corner of his eye he could see a pre-teen and her friend waving around Darren's CD. "I love this CD!" She cried, bouncing up and down on elastic ankles. "You gotta check it out when we get home!"

If only the fans knew about the relationship Darren and Daniel had shared... Sometimes, late at night on the tour bus, when the street lamps were flying by and the only sounds were rubber on highway and soft breathing, and Daniel was the only one awake... Sometimes Daniel would look out at the dark night and imagine that he and Darren were soul mates. But it hadn't been.

[They know not I knee thee
Who knew thee too well:
Long, long shall I rue thee
Too deeply to tell.]

But alas... Seemed like they weren't "soul mates" after all. Far from it... But even so, no one had known. Darren and Daniel had kept their love a secret from everybody. Darren had even cheated on Colby; that was part of the reason they'd broken up. But Colby had never figured that it was his own band mate, not some sexy fan, that Darren had been attracted to on a tour. She still didn't know, and neither one wanted to tell her.

But as quickly and sweetly and tenderly as it had begun, it had ended just as bitterly and acridly and sourly. The beautiful, amazing, unforgettably tender relationship that Daniel thought he would have been able to treasure forever... now was a nightmare every time he thought of the emotionally vicious ending that he'd been the cause of. It was all Daniel's fault.

Daniel felt a couple tears well up in his eyes and spill down his cheeks. Fortunately in the dark of the theater, nobody noticed that he was crying at a funny part in the movie. He tried to concentrate on the movie, but all he could see was the sea of faces and the many cameras at the concert that had made its way onto the Superstars and Cannonballs video. He remembered how affectionately Darren had spoken of Daniel and his "talent."

Aqua pain drops fell once more.

[In secret we met:
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.]

But behind drawn windows and closed doors, Darren and Daniel had freely discussed their intense feelings for each other and the lasting relationship they hoped to one day have, out in public, openly loving each other and writing songs for the relationship.

And then...

It was like, all of a sudden, the whole stuck-in-the-spotlight lifestyle had seemed like it started to get to Daniel, and claustrophobia closed in on him. The tired "he's my soul mate" nights staring out the window slowly turned into "dear God, how can I keep doing these concerts?" little by little.

He'd once read a song on the Internet that seemed to be able to sum it up almost perfectly: "Not too different from a week ago / Go back a year and then you'll know / It never seemed like it would ever change / And now nothing can be the same / Something twisted within... / And there's a sudden strong spin..." Ironically enough, the song was called "Spin." Daniel got the strangest feeling that the author had written it about the Savage Garden split, even though it didn't really say what it was about.

Daniel sighed, brushing a hand across his eyes to rid them of the heartache-stemming moisture that had gathered on his lashes. But it was futile, as more tears just took their place in less than two seconds.

Nowadays, it was the story of his life.

[If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?-
With silence...]

He didn't believe it.

The movie was already over?

Sighing, Daniel stood up five years later as the credits began to roll, and stretched as he fell in line with the rest of the people pushing their way out of the room.

"I loved it when..." "What about the scene..." "That was so funny." "I wish that they'd..." Excerpts of conversation floated through Daniel's mind without stopping as they all left the theater. Suddenly, Daniel caught sight of an unnervingly familiar face... Darren.

Daniel and Darren stared across the small sea of faces between them, neither saying a word. There was no need to. But as they both looked over at each other, the same thing happened. A film of tears, of liquid pain, washed over their eyes, glinting in the light from overhead. "I'm sorry," they both mouthed at the same time.

[...and tears.]