In Your Eyes by Leela Ganey

(Disclaimed: 'In Your Eyes', Peter Gabriel)

"Love,
I get so lost, sometimes
Days pass,
And this emptiness fills my heart

When I want to run away,
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go,
I come back to the place you are"

You know there are some images you carry through out your life? No matter what you could close your eyes and see them. For me, Daniel Jones, I think that is a pair of slate blue eyes. And not just any pair of slate blue eyes. But the pair that belong to Mr. Darren Stanley Hayes.

I can remember the first time met you. I was sitting there bored out of my mind. Yes, I was so freakin' bored I thought about closing the auditions. Sure it was my band and true, we did need a singer. But damn! I thought we would at least get one person with some talent.

And of course that is when you came in and my heart was forever held in your hand and bound by your voice.

You squeaked a little on a high note and you seemed so unsure but yet there you were. I don't know what made me give you the job as our lead vocalist. You can bet that night my friend chewed me out about hiring you. But I think I made the right choice. And now after 9 plus years together I know I made the right choice.

But there you are by my side... I still don't understand it. One look and I just knew -- of course we would hit it off. We talked all the time. We surprised each other by having the same dreams and goals. I knew our dreams would come true. I just never knew I would have your love or rather I craved it. But that was only known to me on the inside.. That was the greatest thing I ever think I got in my life. And with all of my heart I return it to you.

Every time I felt life was too much or I felt that I was drowning in my own self pity... Or just battling the blues... There I was at your door step. Sometimes I never knew how I got there. Just boom! I was there. One look at your eyes and then I knew everything was going to be okay. Your soothing words. Kind touch. I wonder if you could often read my mind. I wondered if there was some class at the Uni called Daniel Jones 101. If there was you had to have taken the class and have volumes of notes for reference.

For some reason you always think of yourself as weak and undeserving. I don't know why. If anyone was worthy of anything it would be you. You have a strength. A way about you that just makes me feel like I can do anything. You always say I am the serene one. But when it comes down to it, when I look in your eyes, even the word serenity could not come close to what I see there. If heaven could be packed into any feature of the human body if would be your eyes.

And even now I am amazed by the way you fill the unknown spaces of my heart. Music and life never touched those spaces...no other lover ever managed to get as close as you did. *Darren, I will never understand how you did it but I love you more with every flutter of your eyelashes.*

"And all my instincts, they return,
And this grand facade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, and without my pride
I reach out from the inside"

I do not know what made me come that night. I just felt sick. It was the beginning of a new year and I should have been happy. But I wasn't. We had just started to really do promos again for the second album. We had done yet another TV performance. Which I was glad went well but now I was sitting all alone in a darkened hotel room. I missed home. I missed my dogs. I missed my family.

My stomach hurt and I wanted my own bed. And worst of all, I felt so lonely. Night can sometimes do that to you. During the day you can be happy and well adjusted. But when night comes and the day's light fades in to night's darkness, you suddenly become aware of all your imperfections. Time chips away at your insecurities. Before you know it you are clutching your blanket and wishing that it was day again. Okay maybe you don't do that, maybe you fall a sleep quickly and do not dwell on anything. I am happy for you.

But that night I just couldn't take it. I set aside all of my insecurities and told the little voice in my head to shut up. Then I just swallowed my pride. And I also had to set aside that wonderful manly ego that says: I can handle it by myself. I got up and walked out of my room. Then as if a weird reoccurring need, there I was at your door. At first I let the logical side of my mind talk me out of it. But I just could not walk away. I knocked on your door.

And you opened it.

You looked kinda sleepy. You blinked several times due to the harsh light of the hallway. "Daniel?"

"Yeah.."

"What is the matter? It is three am in the morning." You mumbled sleepily.

"I just wasn't feeling well and I didn't want to stay in my room by myself. Can I stay with you tonight?" I asked quietly.

"In your eyes,
The light the heat
I am complete
I see the doorway,
To a thousand churches
The resolution,
Of all my fruitless searches"

Now, I thought you were going to give me a funny look and laugh at me. But what you did surprised me. You reached for my hand and gently pulled me inside.

"Sure Daniel. Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really. I am just kinda tired. But I couldn't go to sleep in my room." I let you lead me into the bedroom. There were two beds. But on one there were all of your clothes. I was always amazed by the amount of clothes you brought anywhere. It was if you planned for third world war in which all clothes would be destroyed. Not that I would consider that a bad thing...

You began to move things off that bed for me. I don't know what it was that made me grab your hand. But I did. You stopped and looked at me wondering what the hell I was doing. Maybe it was my eyes in that moment that told you without my consent or permission. I don't know how but I just felt that you knew. That everything I had hidden was now written in my eyes. I just stood there. You looked me up and down with those eyes of yours. I knew I was never going to lie or hide any feelings from you. I could see you read me like I was a big book written in a language only you would understand.

I just stared back at you. Our eyes stayed locked for I don't know for how long. I was just amazed by what I saw. The same slate blue eyes that I have locked gazes with over a thousand different times. But this time it was different, this time I felt the heat there. Something I can only describe as a longing or a desire behind those slate blues of yours. I felt you returning every thought I had ever thought about you. I do mean every thought, in love, in lust, in wonderment, and the list could go on.

You tentatively took a step closer to me. I just stood there blinking. You pulled me close. I felt you nuzzle my neck. I could feel Darren's breath on my neck. I could hear the pounding of your heart. Or was that my heart? I managed to croak out "Darren... ." When you pulled away from me and just looked at me. You touched my face. Only then had I become aware of my tears.

"Oh, I see the light, I see the heat
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
The heat I see in your eyes

In your eyes, in your eyes
In your eyes, in your eyes
In your eyes, in your eyes..."

The feel of your strong, stubby but soft fingers danced across my face as you massaged my tears away. I let my eyes close in an effort to calm my tears and to just enjoy the sensations you were bestowing on me. But then almost tentatively I felt your lips brush against mine. Now I was only in shock for a second. But I also do not need an invitation engraved in stone to kiss someone I love back. I know another thing that will never leave me is that first kiss.

I cannot really say how many times I wanted to feel your body against mine. Or hear you cry my name out of passion. But you did. And I called yours. I would not be a gentleman if I told the readers any more than this. But to keep this short and sweet, we did make love that night or rather that morning.

Something I do know and can tell is that I never went to sleep that morning. I just lay there after my sweet angel had dozed off in my arms. I just thought about my life. I thought about you. I just watched you curled in my arms. I knew that things would never be the same. No.. never the same...they would be better.

"Love,
I don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted and these moments keeps slipping away

I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

And all my instincts, they return,
And this grand facade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, and without my pride
I reach out from the inside..."

We went on tour, all the while keeping our relationship a secret. I knew it hurt you. But you absolutely refused to share our love with everyone. Not that I blame you. Like we needed or still need to be judged on our love for each other. Our music, looks, hair, clothes, photos, and about a countless million other things were already being judged. Our love was private and kept to us only.

But I know you, Darren. You liked sharing your love. Hell, I know you kept it from your family. So did I but I knew that you keeping it all to yourself was wearing on you. After a while I felt that if my love wanted to shout it from the top of the highest building, that was okay.

So, I did what any other man would do... I proposed to you. At Christmas dinner no less. And you said 'yes' after you stopped hyperventilating. And although it was a  fight to find a priest that would marry us, we did it. And our fans...we lost a few. But I think on the whole most are just happy we are happy.

I know that Darren was happy. As long as I live I will never remarry him again. Darren plus a wedding planner was a bad idea. Not that it was a bad wedding, just it was so umm...how should I put this so I don't hurt my beloved's feelings...it was very... Umm... long and intricate. But nevertheless it was amazing. And we have it all on video tape. As a matter of fact I think we have 12 photo albums and 14 hours of our wedding day on tape... Darren made sure just about everyone had a camera and that we had a team there to tape just about everything.

"In your eyes,
The light the heat
I am complete
I see the doorway, to a thousand churches
The resolution, of all my fruitless searches

Oh, I see the light, I see the heat
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light, the heat I see in your eyes

In your eyes, in your eyes
In your eyes, in your eyes
In your eyes, in your eyes..."

There are always those times where we are apart for too long. And if I go away from you for too long, I will always come home to either our many picture albums or tapes about the house and playing in the DVD player. It would be memories from Christmases, our wedding, concerts, parties, you name it and it would be playing. Your favorite was the wedding DVD. Not that I mind. But the warm feeling in my heart and the gold band that is on my finger always reminds me of who I belong to.

But then there is always that image I carry in my mind. That morning you woke up after we first made love. The look in your eyes was and is the image I see when I close my eyes. Your eyes smiling back at me with love, that is gentle and soft. I can always feel you by my side. I always see the love in your eyes when you look at me. There is nothing I would not give. There is no lengths I would not go to keep you by my side. One look in to those slate blue eyes and I know that loving you forever is not a long time... It is by far not long enough.