I'll Stand by You

//Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now...//

Daniel woke with a start. He could hear someone playing the piano. Well, trying to play the piano. The only one who played that badly was Darren. Daniel got out of bed and walked down, crept down the stairs, then moved down the hall. At the end of the hall was where the piano was.

Daniel stopped. He saw Darren sitting at the piano. He had on his day clothes. *Did he ever go to sleep?* Daniel thought to himself. It had been worrying Daniel. More and more Darren was staying up all night. He knew they all kept weird hours but still. Sleep was something the body needed. It worried him even more that Darren had become indecisive where their music was concerned. He couldn't decide on sounds or if he liked the way he was singing something.

Daniel watched Darren pound the keys of the piano. Something was bugging him, but what? What had Darren upset? Daniel knew Darren was happy in living in New York but he was lonely. He knew no one who lived in New York. No one to talk to unless he called long distance. When they had gotten together to work on the album, Darren was really happy in the beginning. They did stuff. Played around. Watched TV. Worked on music. It was fun. But now Darren was acting like he carried the weight of some unknown trouble.

Daniel heard Darren stop playing the piano. The next thing he heard made his heart stop. Darren was crying, well, more so he was sobbing. Daniel just stood there. What should he do? Leave him be or comfort him in what ever was bothering him? He heard Darren heave out another quiet sob. Before Dan even knew what he was doing he was walking toward Darren.

Darren, for the most part, would not have cared if the world existed. His world was empty. He would have to go back to New York soon. That meant he would be alone. Alone... By himself... Lonely... That is when the tears came. He couldn't stop them nor had he wanted to. He closed his eyes. That was when he felt two strong arms wrap around him. Pulling him close. Darren did not open his eyes. Why was it that he already knew who it was?

//And don't be ashamed to cry,
Let me see you through,
'Cause I've seen the dark side too//

Daniel just hugged Darren. It was all he could do. He was not always good with feelings. But he understood that a gentle touch could go a long way to soothe a tortured heart.

Darren let Daniel hug him. Maybe it was the strength in his arms. Maybe it was the warmth that his body radiated. Or was it the sweet scent that could only be classified as Daniel. Whatever it was, it calmed him. His heartbeat slowed and his body relaxed. He felt Daniel's hug loosen.

Daniel sat down beside him on the piano bench. He raised a hand to Darren's face. He touched the hot tears on his face. He looked to his eyes. What made him cry? Very gently he wiped all the tears from Darren's face. Then he brushed the hair off of his forehead back. Darren just watched Daniel. He could not believe Daniel would be this tender or gentle. They had been friends forever now, but they never covered anything that was deep; they never cried on each other's shoulders or talked of anything to personal. They were men, it just was not allowed. But this was different.

Daniel was satisfied that Darren's tears were gone. So much pain in his eyes. He gently touched Darren's cheek. "What is the matter, Darren?"

Darren looked down. Could he tell Daniel? Could he say that he was lonely and that no one wanted him? Would Daniel laugh at him and say that it was all in his mind? "You wouldn't understand."

"You really think that, Darren?" Daniel pulled his hand away from Darren's face. He reach for Darren's hand. He lightly caressed it. "I can't understand anything when you keep it inside. I am your friend and I refuse to let you fall in to the 7th level of hell by yourself. Just talk to me."

"You just wouldn't understand." Darren snatched his hand back. He knew the instant he did, that he was wrong. The tear that now made its way down Daniel's cheek was more than enough proof of that.

//When the night falls on you,
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less...//

"I'm sorry. Daniel. I just... It is... Well.... Damn. I can't say what it is."

"Darren, why is it you feel like you are some damn rock. You are not all alone. Besides, have I ever given you a reason to think that whatever you have to say will make me think that you are not worth being friends with anymore?" Daniel said quietly.

Darren just stared at him. What could he say? He was right. Daniel was always there. Quietly observing the world in his own way. He was right. Why did he have to be right? What could I say that Daniel would not understand? "I am lonely." There, he'd said it.

Daniel was not even sure if he heard Darren. He whispered. It sounded like 'I'm lonely'. Lonely? Darren? Weird.... Darren never seemed lonely. He always talking to people. Always in the open. Daniel started to ask why he was lonely when Darren started sobbing again.

Darren couldn't help himself, the pain that had been too much. "I thought I would be happy if I could start over in New York City. I thought I could build new friendships, meet new people. But I just can't seem to. I spend whole weeks alone. The only people I talk to sometimes are the ones over the phone. I go out time after time. Book stores. Coffee stores. On the street. No one cares. No one knows me." He stopped for a moment. "And no one loves me."

Daniel reached out for Darren. He pulled him close. Darren wrapped his arms around Daniel like he was a dream that would go away if he didn't hold on tight. He felt the tears slide down his face and onto Daniel's chest. Daniel was so close. His heartbeat so loud. He could lose himself forever like this.

"Darren, you are not alone. People care about you. People love you. You have family and friends," Daniel said soothingly. He ran his hands up and down Darren's back in a gesture that he could only hope Darren found comforting.

"Yes, I have family. They are required to love or it isn't a family. As for friends... Really, I don't ever remember having that many good friends. No one loves because they want to." Darren cried more. And if it hadn't been for his head being on Daniel's chest he would have heard Daniel quietly say 'I love you, Darren'.

//I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you...//

Darren froze... Did Daniel just say what he thought he said? Did Daniel love him? His Jonesy? Love him? "Daniel?"

"I think you heard me, Darren." Daniel couldn't help it. He did love Darren. He loved having him around. When he moved to New York and was no longer a few minutes away... He couldn't deal. It was like a part of him got up and walked across the ocean and never looked back. Darren pulled away. Daniel let him go.

Darren just looked at Daniel. He looked into his eyes. They were very green. There was no look of harshness or any hint this was a joke. Just love and acceptance. Darren touched his face. It was warm. He could feel the warm salty tears that had made their way down his face.

"Darren. Why is it you think you are all alone? Why do you think no one could love you?" Daniel said.

Darren jumped. Daniel was right. He did think he was all alone at times. He had always wondered if people did love him. "I don't know, Daniel. I always have thought I am not worth it. Not good enough." He looked down, his hand from Daniel's face dropped. He now just blankly stared at the piano.

"Darren," Daniel said. Darren still looked at the piano. "Darren, look at me." No response. Daniel reached over and turned Darren's head so he had to look at him in the eye. "I want you to listen and understand me. You are worth love. You are never alone. I have always been there. Can you think of a time when you could never reach me? Or a time I would not talk to you?" Darren just blinked at him. His mouth was closed. Tears silently slid down his face. "Darren please... Don't push me away. I love you. I cannot leave you to fight whatever demons you have floating around in you mind by yourself."

At that moment Daniel had no clue what to do. Tears started falling down his face. He could see Darren shutting down. And there was nothing he could do about it.

Before Darren had time to think and understand what he was doing, he pulled Daniel close and kissed him. He kissed him hard. And if that wasn't weird enough... Daniel responded. But not in the way he had thought he would.

//So, if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now//

Daniel couldn't believe what was happening. Out of nowhere Darren kissed him. Not that it wasn't weird but his body betrayed him by kissing Darren back. He couldn't do this, his mind screamed. Daniel pushed Darren away. Both of them were breathless. Daniel couldn't say anything. All he could do was breathe. "What in the hell was that?"

Darren just looked at him. His eyes were clouded. He didn't really know what that was either. One moment he felt himself shutting down and the next he was kissing Daniel. Very rarely had Darren ever wanted kiss Daniel and had always shoved any thoughts of doing so way down and put them under lock and key. But he couldn't say what made him just kiss him like that. And the fact that Daniel on some level had returned this kiss was scary. Never had he even thought that Daniel would ever do that.

"Darren?"

"I don't know! Daniel, it was a fucking kiss. I can't help but love you. You're just so damn close." And it was true. Darren never had Daniel this close.... Everything was in the open. Daniel was caring. His scent was intoxicating. He was strong and warm. And if that wasn't enough to set him on fire... Daniel had told him that he loved him.

Daniel was torn. It was not often that his mind was so logical and his body so wanting. But somewhere in the back of his mind this was what he wanted. He wanted Darren to love him. To hold him and hug him too. To kiss him and to sleep by his side. The thought of it all over was enought to make his brain hurt.

"Look, Daniel, just forget it. Leave me alone. Go back up stairs and go back to bed." Darren turned away from Daniel. He put his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands. Why bother. The look of sheer confusion on Daniel's face was understandable. He never should have kissed him. He should have kept his control.

Daniel got up. He looked at Darren. His back was to him. Daniel started to move to up stairs. But he stopped. He could not do that. He couldn't just leave Darren. It was not right. Even if his mind told him this was not a good idea, his heart made it quite clear that how ever his mind felt, he knew deep down that something was right.

He sat back down. He moved closer to Darren and wrapped his arms around him and laid his head on the curve of Darren's back. "I can't leave you. I love you and I don't understand all that has just happened but I know it would be wrong to walk away."

//And hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well, I'm a lot like you//

"Look, Daniel, I am sorry, okay? Just go. You really don't need me pulling you down." Darren mumbled. What could he say? Daniel still had his hand wrapped around him.

"Darren, you are not the only one that ever feels things that are a bit off. If I just wanted to forget everything that has just happened, I would go to my room and hide. But the problem is, I can't really hide from my feelings. I could push away my heart. But what would I destroy in the process? Everything I do. All the music I write comes from my heart. My friendships. My family. You. No, I am not going anywhere. I am staying right here with you." Daniel pulled Darren closer. He could feel tears coming again. But he just blinked them back.

Darren gently turned so he could see Daniel's face. "Daniel... I love you. I need you. I don't know why. I can't explain it. But I do." Darren kissed Daniel's forehead. Then his nose. Then he gently kissed his lips. Then he pulled away to look at Daniel. His eyes were closed.

//When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'Cause even if you're wrong...//

Darren got up. He couldn't take Daniel's silence. He was moving away when a strong hand grabbed his arm. He looked at Daniel. He was looking right back at him.

"Don't leave." That was all Daniel could say. He stood, still keeping his grip on Darren. For the first time in a long time Daniel told the rational part of his mind to shut up. Then he leaned over and kissed Darren. It was a gentle kiss. One of love and slight neediness. Darren responded to it. They held the kiss till their bodies cried for oxygen.

Never had a moment stopped in their life like it had now. Everything that was not of any importance disappeared. The world was quiet. They stared at each other. They could never go back now. They would always have to go forward.

Daniel gently pulled Darren closer. What could he say? Did he really need to say anything? They stood there in each other's arms and let time drip by. "Daniel?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

Daniel didn't know why Darren was saying thank you. It could have been because he listened. Because he loved. Because he was just here. Who would ever know? "You're welcome."

//I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you...
Take me into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you//

Darren just stood there. He could have stayed in Daniel's arms forever. He could have lived all of his life right here and never be happier.

Daniel didn't say anything. He could not think of anything to say. He could feel that all Darren wanted was just to be held. And so that is what he did. Daniel didn't know what made "You Are My Sunshine" pop in to his head but it did. He started humming it without thinking.

"Daniel, what are you humming?"

"Huh?" Daniel didn't realize that he was humming. "Oh, it is 'You Are My Sunshine.' It just kinda got stuck in my head. It was the first song I learned to play on the piano." He paused for a second. "Have you ever heard it?"

"No, or maybe I have and I don't remember it."

Daniel smiled. And to the surprise of Darren, Daniel started to sing.

"You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
when skies are gray