If I Were Brave by Lau

(Disclaimed: 'If I Were Brave', Shawn Colvin)

~~~~~~All the happy couples on their way to New Orleans
Reminding me of when we got along~~~~~~

I wormed my way through the mardi gras streets on my way to the great stadium. I was cutting it close. They were probably tearing their hair out, me not being there. But to see everything so alive in New Orleans made me remember a time not so long ago that I loved everything the world had to offer. Being loved makes you love. It's a vicious cycle.

~~~~~~They're only renting time and space to fill up with their dreams
And dreams are what they'll have when they have gone~~~~~~

And even though the crowds are happy, they're living in the now, I can't help but wonder if they'll regret what happened tomorrow. Or next week. Or even next month. They'll sit there, doubting, worrying, wondering if it's real or if it's illusion, just like I did.

~~~~~~How could it be that I was born without a clue to carry on
And still it is the same now I am older~~~~~~

You grounded me, Jonesy. You made me real. When we were young, and writing the songs in that stuffy apartment, and we made love for the first time, that was heaven. That was bliss. That was everything I wanted to be right then and there.

And then I had to go and fuck it all up, by thinking. Thinking, I've decided, ruins everything. Yeah. And look at me, standing in the middle of this giant orgasmic party, and all I can do is think of you. 20 minutes to show time. Leonie's probably looking for me by now. I should fire that girl.

~~~~~~Armed with just a will and then this love for singing songs
And minding less and less if I am colder~~~~~~

Even though you left, Jonesy, which you had every right to do, I can't stop singing. I'm sorry that I'm using material that we worked on together. I won't perform any Savage Garden stuff tonight. Tonight is the last time. I can't do this anymore, not without you.

~~~~~~But I have this funny ache and it's burning in my chest
And it spreads just like a fire inside my body~~~~~~

It hurts too much, it reminds me too much of when it was just you and me and one million strangers staring at us make virtual foreplay on the stage. It's icy up there by myself. They love me, they'll always love me, but something is gone. It's not fun to tease them, not since you're gone. Tonight will be the last time. Then I'll try and find you.

~~~~~~Is it something God left out in my spirit of my flesh
Would I be saved if I were brave and had a baby~~~~~~

I feel so hollow without you. So completely empty. Have you heard that I won't allow guitar in my songs anymore? You probably think it's because I hate you. It's not. I love you, Jonesy. I love you so much, and you used to love me, and I don't know what went wrong, just that it was my fault. Sometimes, when I'm feeling especially masochistic, I come out here, to the mardi gras, and listen to them play our music. Savage Garden's music. They love it.

~~~~~~It was never clear what would come but that's the risk and that's the test
And you were the only one so far to follow~~~~~~

I won't allow keyboards either. No synthesizing. Just me, a bass, a drumset. No one can do it right, no one can make it sound just the way you did. And in a way, I don't want them to. I don't want them to ruin this hopelessness inside me. It drives me on. 15 minutes left. I start walking towards the stadium.

~~~~~~And no one talks about when one might stop and need to rest
Or how long you sit alone before you stop looking back~~~~~~

We were Gods, you and I, Jonesy. We were invincible. Our fans carried us with their lifeforce, feeding us everything they needed. We were more alive in those first years than any vampire, any star, anything, anyone, could ever be. We were more than human. We had love. We had emotion. We had isolation. It was the isolation that undid us. You wanted it, I hated it. I should've been content with just you, just your love. I always wanted more. Even as a little boy. I miss you, Jonesy. I love you.

~~~~~~It's like you're waiting for Godot
And then you pick your sorry ass up off the street and go...~~~~~~

I should've told you that before you left, when you were throwing your one suitcase into the backseat of that beautiful car we bought together with our first paychecks, right next to your guitars. Two of them. One was from me, for your birthday. But I didn't tell you, I let you go, I thought I could live without you and just let the fans love me. They don't love me, Dan. They love the music. They love the concept. I'm just a recepticle, and I think I'm going to start leaking.

~~~~~~And what the hell is this who made this bloody mess
And someone always answers like a martyr~~~~~~

It's my fault. It'll always be my fault. And if there's anything I can ever do to get you back, I'll do it. Right after this concert, this last concert. My farewell. The fans don't know. They can't. Not even Leonie knows. But after this, I'm splitting. Just like Bono.

~~~~~~Is it something you should know, did you never do your best
Would you be saved if you were brave and just tried harder~~~~~~

Do you still love me? Do you think about me, Jonesy, like I think about you, all the time, never ending? God, I hope so. Because if I find you, if I come and find you and you won't take me back, I don't know what I'll do. I've already been split into a thousand different pieces. I need your help to bring me back. Ground me again.

~~~~~~So now I ride the aught one thirty five to New Orleans
I float a mile above life's toil and trouble~~~~~~

There's the stadium. The wings. I can hear the crowd cheer politely for the opening band. But nothing like the noise when I come out, nothing like that million man noise, that noise we used to share together. We shared everything.

~~~~~~A thousand lonely lifetimes I still wait and then go on~~~~~~

The other band comes back, and before I realize, it's my turn to go on. Something inside me splits, and I want to just curl into a little ball. I can't do this without you. I need you, Daniel. Why aren't you here? Why did I have to shove you away?

~~~~~~A clown to entertain the happy couples.~~~~~~

"Darren?"

I turn.

"Dan?"