It's dark in here; I can barely see the outline of his tall form folded into a sitting position by the weak moonlight that glimmers through the balcony door. He's playing his guitar and breaking my heart. Tomorrow he'll be gone and with him he'll take the best part of me. I step into the room silently, he doesn't notice, too engrossed in his music. It's always been that way, never any different for him, always focused so completely on the task at hand and wholly concentrating on the music he's playing or the melodies that we're creating together. He's never known any different, he doesn't realise.....he doesn't see me. I've spent the last nine years watching him, falling more and more in love every moment I spend with him....and he doesn't know.
Now he's leaving, he can't do this anymore, he can't keep up the hectic pace that we unconsciously set for ourselves. I can't blame him, I want to hate and resent him but I can't. I love him too much. Christmas is around the corner, memories of years gone by are flashing through my mind, he and I sitting beneath the Christmas tree in our tiny one-bedroom flat in the Cross, opening presents and laughing like children. I remember the way his eyes shone with laughter, how happy he was. But that was before this circus of a life descended upon us. He couldn't adapt to the constant and holistic recognition everywhere he went, stepping out his front door was difficult enough let alone dealing with the attention when he appeared in public. My heart aches for him, I want to comfort him, sympathize with him, take him in my arms and tell him that I understand, tell him how much I appreciate him, how much I love him but most of all I want to hear that he loves me too. I silently sigh, the pain in my heart throbbing dully. I've dealt with this for years, silently watching him, admiring him, loving him from afar. Soon he'll be gone. One last show, one night left together.
Should I tell him before he leaves? Should I risk the friendship we have, the support and mutual respect and admiration that has grown between us? Do I risk all of that? Would it be worth it and do I really believe that he would return my sentiment? I don't know, confusion sweeping through me, indecision following swiftly. I take another step towards him, my hands trembling, my heart pounding in my chest. He still doesn't sense me, still engrossed in the sound of his hands on the guitar, the sounds he's eliciting from this inanimate instrument. My eyes slip to a close, tears bubbling in my throat as I begin to listen to the music emanating from him, its mournful melody, the notes telling the story of a broken heart pining for a love lost. I lift my hands and touch the back of his neck. His skin leaps up to greet my fingers and my eyes open. He doesn't stop playing, the tune falling from his fingers and spilling into the air around us, enveloping us in it's spell.
Of their own accord, my hands slip over the nape of his neck and over his shoulders, massaging the tense muscles that I can feel beneath his shirt. His head falls backwards, his hands still strumming the strings of the guitar but his eyes, those haunting emerald green eyes framed by fine dark lashes, looking up at me full of pain. My heart tripped over itself.
"Daniel?"
My whisper is lost beneath the music when suddenly and abruptly it stops. Silence descends thicker than the darkness that already covers us. The guitar is cast aside as Daniel stands from his chair and turns to face me. I stare at him, curiosity at his actions dominant in my thoughts but I can't help noticing how beautiful he looks, a sliver of moonlight reflected in his eyes.
"I've been waiting for you."
Five words. My heart soars. Daniel's hand reaches to touch my face, tracing my cheekbone and down to my lips, which are swollen from emotion, I feel my body shudder and my eyes slip to a close again. I've dreamt of Daniel's touch for so long and now, having those dreams become reality is almost too much to bear. I open my eyes, wanting to see Daniel's face, wanting to be sure that this is what I think it is, that I'm not misunderstanding him, that I'm not being clouded my passion for him. Daniel's eyes assault me, full of emotion, both tragic and beautiful.
"Dan?"
"Shhhh."
His fingers trap my insistent lips to silence me, I stop arguing as Daniel's lips cover my own. I sigh as I taste his mouth, wet, hungry and ultimately delicious. I drown in him. I feel his hands on my body, pulling me closer, pressing me against him. I feel my body shudder as I finally surrender to what I've wanted for so long. I twine my arms around Dan's neck as we stumble backwards. He backs me against the wall as his mouth ravages mine before trailing across my chin and down to my collarbone. My breath explodes heavily as Daniel sinks to his knees before me. My head begins to swim as Daniel works to rid me of the thick denim jeans I'm wearing. He's stopped, he's looking up at me, those eyes....filled with desire.
"I've been waiting for too long Daz, I've spent years.......waiting for you."
Tears prick at my eyes as happiness washes through me, chased immediately by remorse. This is it, after all these years of longing, infatuation and love, it's all come down to this one night. Our one chance to make a memory. I know it, he knows it, the night is ours and ours alone. The outside world doesn't matter. It's time to be truthful to one another, to tell each other how we feel, through caresses and kisses not words.
His hands run over my chest and I feel the touch as keenly as I would if my shirt hadn't been between us. His hands travel beneath my waist, gently tracing the line of my member before he leans in and kisses it's tip lovingly. My knees shudder and almost collapse beneath me and I struggle to retain my composure but it's no use. This is Daniel, this is my best friend and my object of lust, love and affection. How many nights have I laid awake thinking about him, envisioning him in this same position, touching me, kissing me.....all with the tenderness of a lover. My heart skips a beat as he takes me in his mouth, his tongue sliding along the underside of my shaft. A moan escapes me, a growl growing in the base of my throat as Daniel's mouth wraps around me, suckling on my cock like a baby lion cub, the sensation is becoming too much to bear as the pressure of Daniel's lips around me intensifies, pulling me closer and closer to the edge of oblivion. This is better than any fantasy, reality always is. His touch sends me to wild, oblivion looms as his tongue rubs at my painfully tender flesh. White spots dance before my eyes as I let go, filling Daniel's sweet mouth with every drop of pure love and emotion that dwells within me. My knees finally give out and I slide down the wall to the floor in front of my golden haired angel. I drag my eyes open. There he is, lust still written in his eyes, hunger spilling across his face, a smirk breaking on his lips. A ragged breath falls from my mouth.
"What are you laughing at?"
He shakes his head and I can't resist, I lean over and place my lips, ever so softly, on his. I feel him sigh as he opens his mouth to me, letting my tongue slide past his lips. I push him back onto the floor, kissing him deeply, leaving the taste of his mouth and tongue firmly ingrained in my mind, I want to always remember tonight, this perfect, beautiful night when I finally tell him how much I love him. My hands are all over him, wanting to remember every curve and hollow, committing it all to memory to comfort me in the lonely nights that I know will engulf me once he leaves. Our clothes are unnecessary barriers and we shed them quickly, the sensation of bare skin pressed against one another draws small moans of pleasure from us both. I kiss my way down his tanned chest, pausing to flick my tongue over his nipples. My eyes dart up to his face and I see him watching intently, insatiable desire blazing in those deep green eyes. That beautiful face, those eyes, those lips.....everything about him, I've watched his every move in the last nine years, I've studied his quiet grace and elegance.....Pure beauty, unlike any other I've seen. I feel sobs creeping up in my throat, threatening to burst from my eyes and spoil this moment. All this time....waiting, longing.....thinking there was never any chance between us and now......All those years when I could've held him in my arms, told him so many times that I loved him, adored him...that I'm nothing without him. I feel a hand touch my face, it's then that I realise that those threatening tears have completed their task and are currently trickling down my face.
"Darren? Darlin', don't cry."
His deep voice is full of compassion and yet, torn with pain. I let him draw me up in his arms, he cradles my head against his chest, resting his hands in my hair and letting my tears falling on his bare chest. He's comforting me, more tenderness in his touch now than any other time I can remember. His hands are caressing my back, running through my hair, his voice muttering nothing words in my ear, telling me not to cry. I lift my face to him and he kisses me gently. Oh Daniel, if only we'd both realised, if only we both weren't so blind. We could've been so happy.
But now it's too late. His hands are cupping my face and bringing my lips back to his. I'm lost once again, drowning in his taste, in the sensation of his kiss as his hands and mine seek to bring us closer. He breaks our kiss just long enough to rise above me in one quick movement. He moves behind me and runs those strong musicians hands over my back and down to my ass. I bite my lip to control my moan of pleasure as his hands find what they're looking for, I push back against him, wanting more.
"Don't stop now Dan.....please?"
My voice is nothing but a whimpering whisper. I've wanted him for so long. I feel the cool sting of the lube as he gently and rather expertly applies it to my waiting opening. I feel his body stretch over mine, hear his voice in my ear.
"Lover, I couldn't stop now if I tried."
Elation floods me as he drops a quick and tender kiss on my neck. With one blinding thrust he's inside me, filling me like I always knew he would, like I'd always imagined. The unbearable pleasure crashes through me as his hand encircles my already painfully hard cock, his hand matching the thrusts of his hips. God, he's amazing. The tears return, I know full well that this is the first and last time that we'll make love. I lose myself in his touch, he kisses my back as his hips and hand increase in pace, moans coming from his throat as he pushes himself deeper and deeper inside me, I arch my back, push against him, wanting him as close to me as possible. I feel him and his release as his seed spills into me and his body falls to cover mine. Such a sweet and delicious sensation of complete satisfaction and contentment. To have Daniel loving me, to feel his touch after all these years of wondering, lusting, adoring and hoping is almost too much for me. He draws himself out of my body even though I don't want to let him go and falls to the floor beside me. His fingers lazily trace up over my back and shoulders and trip into my hair. Even now, spent as we both are, his touch still sends chills down my spine. My Daniel, my best friend, my partner....my lover. I turn to face him and I see the satisfaction in his eyes tinged with something undefinable, something I don't exactly know how to read. He explains it for me.
"I love you Daz, I always have."
His eyes water and quickly fill with tears. I crumple against him, my arms encircling him, my face pressed against his bare chest. Dan, if only I had known.....if only you had told me, if only I had told you. My words go unsaid, my sobs cutting off any coherence I may have managed.
I don't know when or how I fall asleep, but by the time I awake it is morning. I'm in Daniel's hotel bed, sheets neatly pulled up to my chin and sunshine streaming through the balcony door. I sit up, rub my eyes and glance around the room quickly, looking for Daniel. He's nowhere to be seen. My gaze falls on a crisp piece of hotel stationery propped up against the phone beside the bed. I grasp the sheet of paper in my fingers as I read the short message flowing across it in elegant writing.
"Goodbye Darren."
