I'll Try to Say Goodbye

//Games, changes and fears//
//When will they go from here//
//When will they stop//

It was late, around ten or eleven. Most people were out at a club on a Saturday at this time. Not me, I sat in my big, black, leather recliner drinking, holding a rather hot latté from Starbucks. I didn't like lattés but they reminded me of you. Although you disliked them more than me. I slowly breathed in the heat, wishing it was from you and not from a cup of coffee. The coffee wasn't enough to keep me from getting emotional. I smiled, almost sadly, as I thought of you helping me pick out this nice comfy chair. I asked you to pick a love seat or something of the sort. You picked the recliner and with a twinkle in your eye said that was enough room for the both of us. You liked to hold me and I adored being held by you. But now you're nowhere near me. I'm not complaining, just regretting things I did to led us to this point. Wishing I could go back in time and do things differently. Shut my mouth when I knew I was pushing you too far. But I didn't and so here I sit without you.

//I believe that fate has brought us here//
//And we should be together babe//
//But we're not//

I know you weren't thinking of me as much as I was thinking of you. You had moved on of course, and what normal person wouldn't move on? Only me. I closed my eyes and imagined you holding me close. Your long arms around my waist and your slender fingers playing at the front of your big gray sweater I wore. You loved me in it. It was too long for me, and almost too small across the chest, but it was big. I think you bought it just so you could see me in it. We had our quiet moments, which I couldn't get enough of, and we had our heated passionate moments. I ached for a quiet moment right now. I pretended that you were trailing kisses down my neck.

//I play it off but I'm dreaming of you//
//And I'll keep my cool, but feenin'//

Oh but when I see you at the parties that our families throw, that the record executives put on, I pretend. I'm good at that now, pretending. I pretend that I'm okay. I smile at you and you smile at me. Everything is okay. I shook hands with your "good friend Eric" who came to almost every party. And he always gives me a friendly, knowing smile. You don't have to tip toe around me Daniel, you know that. I can handle knowing that you have a new lover now. It's normal. I'm strong. I can let go of you.

//I try to say goodbye and I choke//
//I try to walk away and I stumble//

The last party I was fine. I had kept all my emotions under control, brought Nicole with me. She knew how bad it was. I think she was the only one. I shook your hand, asked where Eric was. You said you didn't bring anyone. You couldn't look me in the eyes, because you knew I could tell. You weren't happy. Neither was I. Why do we keep dancing around each other? Why can't we be together? I gave you a look meaning I was sorry about your break-up, only you could have caught the look. You nodded and gave me a real smile. I felt my heart explode inside. It was the first time you'd smiled at me in a year. I quickly excused myself and found a room to cry in alone. I cried happy tears because you smiled at me, I cried frustrated tears because you still wouldn't touch me. I cried because I wouldn't give up the game.

//Though I try to hide it, it's clear//
//My world crumbles when you are not near//

Nicole walked in and comforted me. That was at least a month ago. I still felt warm inside when I thought about your smile. I wondered if you'd ever speak to me as a friend again. I wondered if you had my phone number. I know that you knew you could call. I was always there for you no matter what and that was something we shared forever. It was something I was proud of still having. I sighed and pulled at the sleeves of the oversized gray sweater. I breathed in the scent and smiled, it still smelt like you. No matter how many times I washed it, the thing would always smell like menthol cigarettes, Corona, and musky cologne. You smelled like such a man. I felt the tears come to my eyes. I didn't hold them back this time. I let them fall silently to my pale cheeks.

//Goodbye and I choke//
//I try to walk away and I stumble//

I chastised myself. I tore off the big sweater and went to my closet. I pulled out a red long sleeve velvet shirt and pulled it on. I took off my black slacks and traded them in for a pair of black leather pants. I decided it was time to stop crying. It was time to go and have a little fun. Maybe. Hopefully. I put on a random pair of shoes and went into the bathroom to work on my face. People liked my eyes so I outlined the big blues with black eyeliner and mascara. "It's just a phase," you'd said once about my makeup fetish. Well it was a two-year phase then. And if I recall you loved the makeup. I brushed my hair, annoyed that I could do nothing with it. It was long now, just a little past my shoulders, curling up at the ends, and reddish blond the way it was when I was growing up. I put some mousse in my hair and tousled it a little. Thank God the "just woke up" look was still in. I smiled a little. This quick little dress-up didn't cheer me up, like they usually did. I sighed deeply. I would force myself to move on. A year was too much time to waste.

//I may appear to be free//
//But I'm just a prisoner of your love//

So I'll go to the club. I'll have fun and I'll smile at them all. I'll coax a young boy onto the dance floor with me, or maybe a girl. I'll make someone else fall in love with me tonight. I'll capture another heart and put a mark on my wall next to the headboard. I'll drown my misery in sex and beer. Maybe even drugs if the kid has some. But I'll look like I'm just fine. I'll look as if I'm having the time of my life. And everyone around me will think that nothing is wrong. And I'll be the only one who knows what's going on.

//And I may seem all right and smile when you leave//
//But my smiles are just a front//
//Just a front, hey//

I get someone on the floor and can't tell if it's a guy or a girl because I'm so drunk. I don't really care as long as they want me. There is genuine like in this person's eyes. They'd fall for me and I'd leave them aching for me after tonight. I'd take them home, and send them away the next morning without even thinking of giving out my phone number. The person across from me smiled sweetly. Damn it was a guy with sparkly sea green eyes. I felt my eyes go weak. He looked so much like you Daniel. How? Then I realized the person I'd been dancing with had been replaced by another body, a while ago. It was you. You looked at me and smiled a little. Trying to save me from embarrassment. You took me by the arms.

"Let's go," was all you had to say and I was following you out the door.

//Here is my confession//
//May I be your possession//

"Oh Daniel," I whined to you as you helped me walk down the street.

"Quiet," you replied to me, "you need to get home and sleep."

"No. I need you."

I didn't realize how much emotion I'd said that with. But you did. You stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and looked at me. I could barely see you, it was so dark out and I was so drunk. I hardly could tell what you were wearing. I didn't know if I was standing on my own anymore, but I didn't care because you were touching me. And that's all I'd wanted since the day you broke up with me.

"Darren you don't know what you're saying. You're drunk." You tried to reason with me.

"This is the only thing I know!" I cried, finally having the strength to stand on my own.

You backed away a little, and sighed, "Please don't do this."

I touched your face. "I need you so much."

I finally pulled you in to kiss you. It's been so long since I felt those beautiful lips against mine. I sighed when you didn't push me away. And I nearly fainted when you pulled me closer, opening my mouth with your tongue. I wanted to kiss you like that forever. You exploring my mouth and me blindly groping you, praying that you would let me touch you after this. I had been dying for your taste and I didn't know the extremes of it, because I was crying and so were you. Tears were streaming down my face when you pulled away and hailed us a cab.

//Boy, I need your touch//
//Your love, kisses and such//

The cab pulled up and you helped me inside. You said something to the driver. I couldn't understand you because I was getting tired. I was sleepy and my head would kill in the morning, but I had you and I didn't care about anything else. I leant on your shoulder and shut my eyes and you pulled me closer. I thought I saw you brush away a tear, but I might be wrong. I felt your hand stroke my cheek until I fell asleep.

//With all my might I try//
//But this I can't deny//
//Deny//

I was happy that night, or at least I think I was. I know that I was glad I had you in my arms and that you were touching me. I was happy that you were looking me in the eyes and that it was you who held me all night, instead of the kid that I would never speak to again. I was glad that you weren't mad at me. I finally felt like I had it all. What more could a boy want, besides the love of their life? But what I was the most happy about is when I woke up in the middle of the night, because of a nightmare about losing you. I knew you were okay, because you weren't millions of miles away. You weren't across the ocean, you were in my bed. You were shushing me back to sleep.

//Goodbye and I choke (I'm choking)//
//I try to walk away and I stumble//

But Daniel the next morning, I woke up and I saw you putting on your shoes and your coat. You looked like you were going somewhere. I sat up worriedly. And you turned around looking sort of sad that I had seen you. There was a piece of paper on the night stand and a pen, but no words. I looked to you for an explanation. And found none.

"Daniel?"

"I have to leave."

Was it that simple to you? It couldn't be. By the scared look in your eyes, you had to be feeling what I was feeling.

"Why?" My voice trembled more than I wanted it to.

I didn't care about hiding my feelings now. I wouldn't hold them back if you were going to crush me this much.

"You should know why, Darren. I can't be with you. Not the way you want." Such a dry, cold reply.

"You don't even understand the hell I've been through!" I yelled, forgetting myself and who I was talking to.

Daniel shook his head, "I'm sorry. You're too selfish for me to be with you."

"No. Daniel I can change! I can change for you. Please," I begged him crawling to the edge of my bed and then falling out, landing on my knees hard.

"Don't make it harder than it has to be."

"No! Don't leave me. Oh God Daniel don't do this." I muttered pathetically, "Don't you see how much I need you? Don't you get it? Can't you see how much I love you? I still love you."

Daniel walked over to me and kneeled down to kiss me. I pushed him away.

"Don't."

He stood up and said it again, "I'm sorry."

He walked out of the door leaving me to rock back and forth on the floor, next to my bed. I covered my face with my hands. He wasn't coming back this time. And I couldn't pretend anymore.

//Though I try to hide it, it's clear//
//My world crumbles when you are not near//
//Yeah yeah//