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(Disclaimed: 'Don't Let Go', En Vogue)
//Stop screwing with my head, Hayes.//
Why does he do this to me? To us. To himself. I let out another sigh, because I won't allow myself to cry. Not Daniel Jones. Daniel Jones does not cry. I am the one people come to for sensible advice, I'm the one that people lean on when they are hurt. I'm that rock that all my friends need. I can't crumble just because of one man. Darren. He is doing everything that made me give up men in the first place. Lying to me, leaving me for women, coming back to me, asking me to accept his apology, asking me to pretend. Well I'm sorry Darren, I can't pretend.
//What's it gonna be//
//Cuz I can't pretend//
//Don't you wanna be more than friends?//
//Hold me tight and don't let go (Don't let go)//
What's the worst part about all of this? I always take him back. Always. I never fail to say those two magic words, 'apology accepted'. I'm in love with him. Period. There is no way around that, but I can't live like this. This as in being played with and being someone's backup. Being *his* backup. Why can't he just let go? Is he so insecure that he has to lie to everyone? Is he that ashamed of his love for me? I think the fans know that something is wrong between us. The talk of solo careers has come up again. It makes me sick, I won't let him leave yet. I have to settle this. I can't let him go.
I stare at the picture in my hands. The only one of us that I haven't burned. I only wear a pair of dirty jeans and bed hair. He has on one of my t-shirts and a pair of boxers. His arms around my neck, my arms around his back. I stoop down to give him a sweet kiss on the lips. This is the morning after. Leonie bursts in the room and is in pure shock. Darren smiles at her and tells her to take the picture. She smiles and picks up the camera from around her neck and snaps the photo. That was the only time Darren didn't appear to be ashamed of me. He told Leonie not to tell the others. She's the only one who knows. Sometimes I think that Darren and I could work it all out. That we really could be more than just friends.
//I often tell myself that we could be more than just friends//
//I know you think that if we move too soon it would all end//
//I live in misery when you're not around//
//I won't be satisfied 'till we're takin' those vows...//
I love everything about him and I want him to be mine. I would do anything for him, except be tutored like this. He doesn't understand how badly I've been burned by him. I felt the tears sting my cheeks and I curse.
"Stop crying," I say aloud, "don't let him get to you. He isn't worth it."
But I know that I won't stop. My eyes will be red and puffy by the time I decide to move from this couch again. I start to lay down on the couch, but the doorbell rings. I know who it is before I even sit up. Why is he here?
"Daniel?" Darren enters my house. I never seem to get my keys when we break up.
//Shit// I hurry to sit up and wipe at my eyes. I comb my hair with my fingers and hope that I look decent. I know he looks beautiful. He always does.
"Oh, Hi Darren," I try to force happiness into my voice, "I didn't hear you come in."
"I'm so sorry Danny." Darren immediately apologizes for his latest crime.
I shake my head, "Sorry for what. I don't even think you know why you're apologizing."
Darren steps closer to me. I want to step back. It's weird that I feel if he gets too close to me, I would fall for him again. I'll forgive him. But I can't move back. I want him closer. He takes my hand in his. I start to cry, despite all of my efforts not to. Stop crying, stop! He'll think I'm vulnerable, he'll think he can get away with what he did. He'll hurt me again.
"Jonesy, Danny," Darren whispers as he kisses my neck, "I'm so sorry. Please, love, do you forgive me? I am so confused. I don't mean what I do. You know that."
//There'll be some love makin', heart breakin', soul shakin', love...//
//Love makin', heart breakin', soul shakin',//
I shudder under his touch, because I know I'm gone. If you felt Darren Hayes's lips on your skin, tell me you wouldn't forgive him.
Somehow I find self-control and push him away, "No. Darren you can't do this to me anymore. I won't let you. You can't lie to me, and cheat on me, and..."
I trail off, because his hands are playing with the front of my shirt. No one would understand the meaning of this besides us. He does that whenever he wants makeup sex. Not going to happen, Daz. Not going to happen.
Darren has tears in his eyes, "I'm sorry. I know that I don't treat you right, and I'm sorry. I can't do anything but apologize. Please Daniel, I can't live without you. I'll do anything you want. I'll start treating you better right now. I promise. Just please don't...give up on us."
Undone. Crumbled right then and there. If I was a chocolate bar I would have melted away. He had so much control over me. Did he even know?
//I often fantasize the stars above are watchin' you//
//They know my heart and speak to yours like only lovers do//
//If I could wear your clothes...//
//I'd pretend I was you and lose control//
I shook my head and pulled my shirt away from him. I walked away and sat on the couch again. He'd follow me. I picked up the picture that I had been looking at for over an hour. I traced the edges of the picture with my finger and watched as a tear splattered on Darren's face. Darren's hand wiped it away.
"Darren you can't keep doing this to me." I said, "Once you are with me. That's all there should be. Just us. No running around with other women, no leaving me for them and coming back. Then leaving again. You don't know how much it hurts that you can leave me so easily."
Darren looked down ashamed. And he should be. He hurt his best friend, many times.
"I'm sorry," Darren said quietly, "I know that doesn't make up for what I did, but I am sorry. Can you forgive me?"
"I don't know," I shook my head. I honestly didn't know. I was confused. How did I know that he wouldn't leave me again? How'd I know that he wouldn't abandon me for someone else and try to come crawling back, like he usually did?
//Runnin' in and out my life has got me so confused//
//You gotta make the sacrifice//
//Somebody's gotta choose//
"I understand," Darren said and started to get up.
I grabbed him by the wrist and forced him back onto the couch. I had to give it another shot. I loved this man next to me.
"Don't leave," I turned to him, "I forgive you, but this is not forgotten."
Darren gave a lopsided smile and hugged me. I sighed into his shoulder and ran my hands through his dark hair. His smell started to surround me. I started to cry again.
"No don't cry," Darren said as he kissed my eyelids, "it'll be okay. I'll never leave you again. I promise."
I laughed a little, "Who said I'd let you leave me?"
//We can make it if we try//
//For the sake of you and I//
//Together we can make it right//
~finis~
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