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It's another day like any other. Swapping notes, agonising over lyrics, mapping out the new album. With Daniel.
Half-reclined on his couch, tossing words back and forth, struggling to make a meaning. Internally, I strain to keep my mind on the task at hand. So often, so easy to be distracted by him, his presence un-ignorable. Trying to stay business-like. Choking back thoughts of how he would taste if I closed that short distance between us and finally kissed him.
But I could never. There are a million things stopping me, but the bottom line has a name. Michelle. His girlfriend, the tangible barrier between us.
"Daz?" his voice breaks through my thoughts and our gaze catches. Holds. He has to know I want him, I'm so bad at hiding it. I'm sure even now he can see the raw hunger in my eyes.
"Mesmerise and tantalise." The words drip from his lips and I'm certain he's reading my mind. For a moment I freeze, speechless, my mind a whirl of thoughts, arousing and terrifying.
"For the third line," he continues, ghost of a smirk on his face. I push my mind back into 'songwriting' mode, struggling to concentrate.
"Tantalise and mesmerise..." I ponder aloud, "because you have to attract your prey before you hypnotise them. "The ridiculousness of that comment hits us both at the same time and we lose it big time.
We're laughing so hard we almost dont hear the doorbell. With a grunt of annoyance Daniel goes to answer it. I try not to stare at his rear as he strides away, losing the fight almost immediately.
I hear him open the door, and a female voice - Michelle's, light in greeting.
Great.
I steel myself for what will no doubt follow. He'll invite her inside and I'll have to sit and make polite conversation, try to act natural while every casual touch of her hand on his leg and every light kiss they share turns me inside out with envy. I've survived this before, and I will again, but it feels harder each time, watching him with someone else. I'm his best friend, and I know that's something, I may want more but at least I know I have a place in his life, if not his heart.
Strangely, she doesn't come inside. I hear their voices become more agitated, growing louder, so I can catch snatches of dialogue.
"...told you not to bother me when I'm working..." His deep tones, surprisingly cold.
"Well I'm sorry to interrupt your cosy little working session." Her voice is laced with sarcasm, she sounds almost jealous. But why? "Damn it Daniel, I'm your girlfriend!"
"That doesn't mean we have to spend every waking moment together!"
"No, you'd rather spend all your time with him, wouldn't you?" I feel my face flush, and for one terrible moment I think she knows. Does she suspect my feelings for Daniel? Surely I haven't been that bad at hiding them.
"Michelle..." I hear him say weakly. But her footsteps are already fading. I hear the door close and I have approximately three seconds to compose myself before he joins me in the living room, dropping onto the couch beside me with a sigh.
"Everything ok?" I ask, trying for a casual tone.
"Yeah... No. I don't know." He gives me a flustered look, "She's just... it's like she's always in a mood lately and she's getting so clingy. It's suffocating." He shrugs, as if he can barely bring himself to care.
"You all right?" I ask gently, placing a hand on his leg, feeling the familiar spark of electricity rush up my arm, the same every time I touch him.
His head whips up at my touch and he stares at me with the strangest look on his face. Like he's seeing me for the first time.
Like he feels it too.
~*~ Days later, the most bizarre thing happens. I get a phone call. From Michelle.
She sounds desperate, she begs me to come over, to Daniel's place.
"Is it Daniel?" I ask anxiously, "Has something happened to him?"
She won't say. I tell her I'll be right there.
When she answers the door I see her eyes are rimmed in red. I dont know why she wants me here. She pours a glass of wine and sits on the couch, staring ahead vacantly.
"Is everything OK?" I ask carefully.
"No." She laughs bitterly, not meeting my eyes, and at this moment she looks so old, so tired. "No, everything is not OK."
I sit beside her on the couch. If she wants to talk, she'll talk. Externally, my expression is open, ready to listen, to assist, ever the dutiful boyfriend's-best-friend. Inside I'm in agony, forcing down my feelings for Daniel, shit-scared that she'll see them, that she'll see right through me.
"Do you know how long it's been since Daniel and I have made love?"
I look at her in shock. "I don't think I should-"
She cuts me off. "Three months." She takes a shallow breath. Her hands are shaking, making the wine in her glass ripple. "It used to be we couldn't go three days without... him wanting me." Her face softens, remembering, then immediately hardens again. "Now he's always with you. And when he's not with you, he's wishing he was."
It's agony. What does she mean? If she's accusing me of something I wish she would just say it. Surely she's just feeling neglected because we're working a lot more. Nothing more than that.
I'm completely unprepared when she looks me square in the eye and asks,
"When was the last time you slept with Daniel?"
I sputter. I cough. "Michelle - we never - it, it isn't like that between us." No matter how much I may want it to be remains unspoken.
"It may not be for you, but it is for him."
This isn't happening. This can't be true. It's a test, it's a dream, it's a mind-fuck. Could Daniel feel that way about me? Could I possibly have missed it? I fight hard against believing it, for my own self-preservation. But deep inside, something likened to joy is born, intense excitement is rising, my heart is pounding. I fight against showing it - she mustn't know, she can never see how much he affects me, how much I want him. But she is so lost in her own pain I needn't fear.
"The last time we slept together, he was half asleep, he just woke me up with his arousal, and I let him take me like that, from behind, because I missed him so much. He must have still been dreaming because I could hear him, murmuring something under his breath." She looks at me accusatively, "It was your name, Darren. And he came so hard and so loud because he thought it was you he was fucking!" A strangled sob escapes her lips and she gets up off the couch, crossing the room, like she can't bear to be near me.
I stay where I am. Unable to move, to breathe, my mouth hanging agape. This can't be true. I fight against the growing excitement uncurling within me. Daniel wants me. Daniel wants me! A sing-song voice inside me chants. I can't let myself believe this, because it's going to be so much worse when I find out it isn't true. And I know I will.
"I love him, Darren." Her voice is small, from across the room. "I don't know what this thing he has with you is - curiosity, lust, an infatuation." I feel my heart twist. She didn't say love. But I know it's because she couldn't bear it if it was. "But I think I know the answer. I think you should come to bed with us."
I open my mouth to argue, she raises a hand immediately to silence me.
"Hear me out. It would just be one night, I know you two are best friends and business partners, and I'm not presuming you're gay, or even bi... Darren - you wouldn't even have to kiss him - just being there would be enough. And I'll be there too, so it wouldn't be anything heavily homosexual. Just three consenting adults. What do you think?"
She's watching me, waiting for an answer. I stare at her in amazement, unable to believe what she's offering. Sex with Daniel? Potentially the most tempting and dangerous experience of my life. How can I say no to that? But what if I can't keep my feelings hidden? What if he can tell it's more than an experiment for me? What if I do something stupid like confessing my true feelings, or fucking him senseless without a thought for her?
I should say no.
I should leave.
I should let Michelle and Daniel work it out for themselves.
I open my mouth and the words tumble out before I'm ready for them to.
"Sure, why not?"
But then I knew all along I couldnt possibly say no.
~*~
I can't read the look on her face. She asked for something, she got it, now she isn't sure if she wants it. I feel like any second now she's going to realise what she's proposing, why I'm really accepting, and withdraw the offer.
Now that I've committed myself to this I know I can't give it up. The promise of intimacy with Daniel is far too important to lose. I talk fast.
"Listen Michelle, I want you to know you hold the reins here. If at any point you want to change your mind - tell me to leave and I promise I will."
I hear a key scrape in the lock. Our prince has returned.
"This is your last chance, Michelle...
Distantly, I hear the front door open. She looks at me, a flush of excitement staining her cheeks. "Go and wait in the bedroom." She whispers, and starts to head for the front door.
I start down the hall, heart in my throat.
"And Darren..." I hear her call my name and turn back to face her nervously. "...thanks." She simply says, a crooked smile curving her lips. I return it, shakily, then turn and keep walking towards the bedroom.
Daniel's bedroom.
~*~ I've been in this room before. Numerous times. But this time it's different, like I'm seeing it with new eyes. The tasteful wallpaper, the neatly made bed. I take my boots and socks off and sit on the soft mattress, leaning my back against the wall.
How many times have I fantasised about being on this bed with him? Too many to count. Imagining his fingers on me, his touch. The brush of his golden hair across my chest. His kiss.
And tonight I can have it. Under supervision of his girlfriend, not in full measure, pretending not to crave it, pretending not to love it. But I'm willing to take whatever I can get. At any cost.
I try to mentally prepare myself, pushing down my feelings, covering them up. Lust, not love, is all I can show tonight. Physical attraction, not the soul-rending need I truly feel.
I hear them approaching, their voices a low murmur, and I wonder if she's prepared him. If she's mentioned me at all.
The door swings open and he stands before me. Our eyes lock immediately and he's more beautiful, more desirable and I love him more than I was prepared for. And the situation is suddenly so much more dangerous, so much more of a risk to our relationship and to my own heart.
There is naked desire on his face as he looks at me, and my heart sings. At this moment, I know he wants me as much as I want him.
"I love you, Daniel." They're my thoughts, but it isn't my voice. It's Michelle. "I'd do anything to keep you." Finally he looks at her, his expression unreadable. "Even this."
He reaches for her and kisses her, and her sigh is a sigh of relief. I watch them, locked in an embrace and I can see so clearly how dangerous this is, how potentially heartbreaking for both me and Michelle.
I lever myself upwards and sit on the edge of the bed. Michelle turns in Daniel's arms and stretches a hand out to me, an invitation. I join them, and she kisses me, softly, sweetly. My tongue invades her mouth and I am searching, seeking the taste of him on her, his scent, his feel. As I kiss her I reach past her body to touch him, sliding my hand from his shoulder, down his chest. I hear his breath release sharply at my touch, and I want to touch him more, feel him properly, without the trappings of clothing.
We tumble onto the bed, and he kisses her again, stroking down my leg as he does. And we carefully take turns touching her, kissing her, yet all the while his hands never lose contact with my body, or mine his. He feeds desire into me through his touch and although I want more, I want his kiss, his body on mine, in mine, I feel like I can take it. I'll take what I can get.
I lean over to kiss her, softly, gently, seeking even the diluted taste of Daniel on her lips, stroking down his chest as I do. After I break the kiss he leans down and takes her mouth with his, and I wonder if he can taste me on her as I tasted him. Their lips finally part and he sits up, eyes locking with mine. His face is flushed, he is panting slightly, his lips are wet and swollen. He is absolutely breath-taking. And I know what he's thinking...
"One kiss." He says, his voice low and husky with desire. I want it so much. I tell myself I can handle it, I can hold back, just to feel the touch of his lips on mine will be enough. I glance at Michelle briefly - there is no consent in her expression - but she doesn't say no.
Finally I look back at Daniel. He's watching me, waiting for a signal. Can't he see the raw need on my face? I want this more than air, more than life. I lean in and press my lips gently to his. It's heaven. His lips are firm and smooth and they move slowly against mine with delicious friction. I angle my head and he presses closer, deepening the kiss, slipping his tongue between my lips, tasting me. And I taste him properly, intensely male, purely Daniel, and the diluted taste of him on Michelle's lips hadn't prepared me for his sweetness. I moan into his mouth and can't help but slide my tongue inside. He pushes me onto my back and I feel his full weight upon me, the length of his body flush against me.
It's too much. I should've known one kiss wouldn't be enough, that I wouldnt be able to stop, that I would want him so much. He tears my shirt open, and then his, pressing our bare chests together so I can feel his hot, smooth flesh against mine, so good, so right. My hands are under his shirt, sliding up and down the silken skin of his back. His mouth leaves mine to paint a trail of kisses across my cheek, down my throat.
Muttered words slip from his lips between kisses. They set my skin alight and burn like fire into my soul.
"...wanted this for so long Daz..."
"... want you so much..."
Each word an arrow straight for my heart.
Then his hand slips into my jeans and I feel his touch on the bare, achingly sensitive skin of my erection. I moan long and loud.
"Jonesy! Ohhhhh...." His hand starts to move, slowly stroking my hard flesh, and the ties between my mind and my mouth are severed. A stream of words pour forth directly from my heart.
"Oh yes... Jonesy - please... dont stop... so good, love...love you... love you so much..."
I feel his hand still, and I belatedly realise what I've said. I kick myself, dragging my eyes open to find him staring at me with shock, amazement and tightly reined joy on his face.
"Darren."
My name. But his lips didn't move.
"Darren, I think you should leave." And Michelle steps back into existence. Her face wet with tears, my soul groans under the weight of shame and guilt over what I've just done. She should never have had to see this. I can't believe I did everything I told myself not to. I let it slip. I couldn't keep my true feelings hidden. And now I've screwed it up beyond repair.
"Darren, you promised." Her voice is choked and desperate. I realise I haven't moved an inch since she first spoke.
The spell now broken, I slip out from under Daniel's delicious weight, my sense of loss at losing contact with his body is mirrored in his expression. I crawl off the bed and button my shirt. When I start toward the door Daniel, who has barely moved since Michelle spoke, sparks into action, grabbing my arm.
"Daz - no, you don't have to go."
I can't help it. I look at him, and my resolve weakens. The desire on his face sets my body aflame again and I have to fight my hormones into submission. He is so beautiful. Looking at him is agony, having him so close, but so untouchable.
I force myself to look at Michelle, her tearstained face, her agony - my fault.
"Yes, I do Jonesy." To my shame, my voice breaks as I speak. I start to turn away, but his hands on my shoulders tighten, forcing me to face him again. Before I know it his lips are hard on mine and I'm melting into his kiss, the taste of him intoxicating. His tongue strokes mine erotically, and I allow myself to enjoy it, lose myself in it for just a moment, before I forcefully break away.
His eyes are glazed with desire, uncomprehending and we are both panting with effort. I hold his face between my trembling hands and stare into the face of the one I love.
"No Daniel," I wince at the anguish in my voice, "not like this."
It kills me to say it. But the hurt on his face buries me.
I leave then, hearing no objections. I don't want to know what's going to happen in that room now I'm not there. I can only hope I'll be allowed back into it. As his friend, as his lover, I don't care. I just want him, and I'll take him any way I can have him.
It isn't until I'm outside and the chill on my face makes me reach up and touch the moisture on my cheeks, that I realise I am crying.
~finis~
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