"You've got mail!" The little voice beeped, for the 5th time since he signed online. Daniel continued his search on Ebay. He was trying to find some new rims for his new SUV...he kept IM-ing links to Kathleen, who was on his MSN messenger to ask her opinion...he just wasn't sure. There were the ones that were gothically decorated...very....he couldn't think of the word..

Very Darren-ish.

The thought made his mouth twitch down into a scowl. There he was sitting probably in his new mansion or whatever.....didn't even remember him probably...what, with all the people he was asking to sing and perform with him on his new album. So far Leonie had said that that Beyonce chick from DC wanted to sing with him....and Darren had even asked Fred Durst to do a little rap on there....he chuckled...Daz and Limp Bizkit....scary as hell. Darren was so desperate for attention...but yet...he chuckled again. His album would fucking sink to the bottom. He'd be nothing without him. His faithful little guitarist pet....fuck him. Daniel had better things to do.

Like his girlfriend.

/Yeah, Dan....you know you don't love her./ Yes I do. And she loves me. And we have a good quiet life. And good sex. /That's all it is, sex. Not making love. Just S-E-X./ Daniel couldn't argue....there was no passion....just animal lust. But that didnt matter. They had love. /No you don't. You dont even have that. And now you don't even have Darren./ He waved off his mind's voice. He clicked on Kathleen's window.

DaNiEl'SLiL'BiT says: Hey, baby....are you still there??
ObBsEssiVeCompUlSiVEguiTarFrEak says: Yea....I was just thinkin', sorry luv
DaNiEl'SLiL'BiT says: O.....'bout what?
ObBsEssiVeCompUlSiVEguiTarFrEak says: O....just about...how fuckin' GLAD i am not to be around Daz anymore...i wish he'd quit emailing me. Just to tell me how great he's doing..
DaNiEl'SLiL'BiT says: Sometimes I think he'd rather go make love to himself than talk to you....I mean...i cant say much....I only met him once...but he seems so..UGH!, you know?!
ObBsEssiVeCompUlSiVEguiTarFrEak says: *laughs* Yea....well, babe....I'm tuckered. Im going to bed, okay?? I'll see you next week! I can't wait...got a suprise for you *evil smile*
DaNiEl'SLiL'BiT says: OOooo....i got a chill *licks lips* I can't wait....I miss you...I love you.
ObBsEssiVeCompUlSiVEguiTarFrEak says: Miss you too. Bye.
DaNiEl'SLiL'BiT says: .......bye Daniel.
DaNiEl'SLiL'BiT is now OFFLINE.

He signed off MSN and went to click off his Ebay window, when his mailbox caught his eye, angrily flashing: 3 NEW messages. He looked at his clock at the bottom of the screen, 11:45 pm. January 16. He sighed and ran a hand through his sandy blonde hair, tousling the long ends, and brushing lithe fingers against the nape of his neck. He stared at the icon for a full 2 minutes....the truth was he hadn't read any of Darren's emails for months, since he had stopped sending demos. He didn't have any other reason to read them. Finally, he brought his mouse over and clicked on the mailbox. "Welcome, Daniel!" said the screen. "You have 43 unread messages. 3 New messages." He decided he may as well start at the beginning. He'd just skip the junk mail....

To: Jonesy
From Darren
Subject: New Single!!
Date: 12 June

Hey, Jonesy! Didn't you get my email? You havent said anything in almost....well, almost 2 weeks, since I sent that Gypsy Girl demo.....didn't you like it? Well....for the very first time, I heard the new Aneiki single!! I am so impressed! It's awesome, Dan....I wanna send an email to that girl....Jennifer Waite? I love the sounds....I love the electronic atmosphere. Wow! You have done a good thing helping them....they're lucky to have you...I sometimes wish we were still Savage Garden...I really miss you...please write me back, okay?? Im Jonesy-ing to talk to you...haha...okay,okay. Bad joke. Bye. Love, Daz

He looked, emotionless at the screen. June....it had been so long ago....6 months since he talked to him....

To: Jonesy
From: Darren
Subject: Still nothing.....
Date: June 29

Hey...Dan...what's up? You outta town..? Or are you with Kathleen...but you always check your mail even when you're gone. C'mon, give me hint! What'd I do?? Jonesy, I really miss you! I tried to call, both your phones...I'm about to get some airline tickets and fly my curious ass down there!! I miss Australia....America is great...but so fast! I miss those days in that flat...it sounds incredibly queer...but I miss sleeping with you. I always felt so safe around you....LOL....I'm hanging with Karl for the 4th of July....and he doesn't quite radiate security....I need to see you! Email me back, okay? Love, Daz.

To: Daniel Jones
From: Karl Lewis
Subject: Darren
Date: July 17

Hey man!! You shoulda been here, we watched the fireworks, Darren, Leonie and I over the bay.....man, Darren's worried...he'd kill me if he found out I emailed you about this.....Why arent you talking to him....I think it's tearing him up. I mean....when I mention you....like I asked how you were, his eyes got so cold....so...DESPERATE that I wanted to run away, dan....I'm worried. Just email him. let him know you're thinkin' 'bout him. Well.....gotta go get dinner. Cya 'round. -Karl

Daniel almost hit the reply button.....everything seemed so....out of place...he hadn't spoken with them in forever....Karl, Daz, Lee, Ben.....he'd only talked with Elisa and Leonie..it just seemed like something from his past. He clicked the next mail.

To: Jonesy
From: Darren
Subject: Tired of this shit..
Date: August 3

Daniel....I met this awesome girl! I saw her at a club...she has long dark hair....pale skin....she sings and plays piano....we danced...kissed....went to her place....and she touched me....you know....TOUCHED me, and I just freaked out! I ran out of there....Why cant I find love....Daniel...everything is falling apart....Colby is getting re-married...and has no time to even talk to me....you havent emailed me, called me, visited me in 3 months....I mean, I have friends....I still talk to Karl and Elisa and Leonie...Ben when he's not busy....you know, his new band sounds promising....looking forward to it....but it's you I miss....I'd give them all up to hear you....it's just....I'm just selfish I guess.....I mean, you finally have a quiet life....in 'love'.....you're well off.....fuck it. Bye.

He didn't even sign it....He looked closer, at the last lines.... 'in 'love''....what did he mean. /Duh, daniel....we all know you dont love LOVE her./ You, again........... Daniel sneered as his conscious came back. He felt his heart twinge....for the first time. In months. And he shuddered. Next email.

To: Danny
From: Leo
Subject: Darren's new song
Date: August 15

Hey, Daniel! It's been awhile! How are you? Good I hope.....Darren's not so well....I'm not telling him....don't tell him...but I'm taking him to the doctor....I know, I know...he's a big boy...okay, a big boy in Obi Wan Kenobi boxers, but he won't go himself. He's just...so...depressed? He's started confiding in me more...and Danny....your name came up. He said, and I QUOTE: "Daniel just doesn't care....he doesn't know I guess....that I miss him, and care about him. I mean, I love him! I wish he didn't ignore me." And then, Colby's gone and moved, changed numbers and emails.....and he can't get in touch with her....I feel so sorry for him. Would you email him, please? Well, the real point was to tell you that he's written some new lyrics....just read them.

I'm lying here, next to you
You won't care what I do
Slip out from our bodies' heat
Slip away from my own heart beat...
See how you hurt me deep?

All those moments that we shared...
But you don't even fucking care
I touch my fingers to your hair
You don't really fucking care

My skin feels so cold
I guess death will take its toll
But you'll never let go
Your rough nails taken hold

To me.....

And though I love to feel your pain
I still don't know what I've gained
Meaningless kisses and self-inflicted wounds
Make love to me in my tomb

And I miss you.....I miss you

Daniel.....doesn't that scare you? I told him if he keeps it up we'll have to put a Parental Advisory sticker on it. And something bothers me.....at the end of  'I Miss You', there's a scratched-out word. A name. Your name. Daniel....write me back, honey. Bye. xx Leo xx

Daniel sat.....motionless.....such haunting....prozac-induced lyrics...a cry for help. And with his name....his name stamped....his heart pounded as he clicked on the next one.

To: Jonesy
From: Darren
Subject: Doc
Date: October 4

Daniel.....have you fuckin' died.....Leonie said she talked to you...you didn't email her back either.....do you NEVER check your mail? Do you just run when you see my name on that damned laptop of yours? Jonesy....if there was any doubt or misunderstanding....I love you. I always have....always will! You're my best friend. Leo took me to a shrink....can you believe it. He said nothing was wrong. But Leo still thinks there is....Jonesy....I'm so scared. Email me soon....please....please! I just need to hear you. Love, me.

He was reading faster, anxious to get to the next. It was now 12:15, January 17th..he fought his disappointment when the next was from Leonie.

To: Danny
From: Leo
Subject: Shrink
Date: October 5

Daniel....have you talked to Darren? The doctor diagnosed him with clinical depression....Daniel....please come to San Francisco....soon. I'm afraid he'll....I'm just afraid, Danny. He's so stressed. Love you. xx Leonie xx

To: Jonesy
From: Darren
Subject: Happy Halloween
Date: October 31

Hey, Daniel. Happy Halloween. Did you get my card? Love, Darren

Something wasn't right.....the emails were getting shorter....he wanted answers.....he got up from the desk and got his cell phone, from his bedstand, walked back into the room, sat down and clicked on the next mail. As he waited for the page to load, he dialed Darren's number. 1 ring. 2 rings. 5 rings. 7 rings. And the answer machine. "Fuck!" He cursed. And tossed the phone in the wastebasket.

To: Jonesy
From:Darren
Subject: Merry Chrismas
Date: December 24

Hey, Dan....I got your card....but it wasn't in your handwriting...did Kathleen write it for you? Ben's looked the same....what's with you....well, hope you like my gift. Merry fucking Christmas.

He remembered....Darren had bought him dusky blue brushed silk sheets. He never put them on the bed. He could never sleep on sheets Darren gave him with Kathleen.....he never figured why. And a tear leaked out of his eyes. He never shoulda read these.....

To: Jonesy
From: Darren
Subject: Apology
Date December 24

Jonesy......I'm sorry....the bad thing with email is once you push send you can't take it back.....I'm sorry, love. Merry Christmas though...say hello to your family for me. And Kathleen too.. Love, Darren.

And Daniel knew why he had never put the sheets on the bed. He knew why he never made love to Kathleen....he knew why he didn't love her. He missed him. More than he'd ever have imagined. He loved him. More than he'd ever imagined....more than he loved Kathleen. Or anyone. Tears drew intricate wet paths down his face, and dripped down his 2 day stubble. He clicked on the next. Maybe it wasn't too late.

One of his 3 new messages.

To: Jonesy
From: Darren
Subject: Last resort
Date: January 12

Hey.....Well....June, July, August, so on, have gone by. I haven't seen you. I haven't heard from you. I haven't talked to you. Jonesy.....please tell me what's wrong.....this medicine isnt helping....I lied...I'm depressed. Because I love you. And you won't talk to me. And love me back. Just....say hello. Please....one word. I never told you.....I miss everything....your beautiful blue-green eyes.....they shine like a diamond in the sun when you smile.....and your face so lovely....like one of a God. The way it wrinkles up....the tan....honey skin....that I wish to have touched...so many nights I dreamed about making love to you....your body writhing below me.....I just want to love you like the beautiful sexual messiah.....object of my every emotion you are. I want to be with you....but you chose her....which is okay but....you shut me out. Shut me DOWN. I'm crying....for you to save me.....please Daniel.....just....just know this. I loved you. I always did....and please listen to my album....it'll come out soon. Listen to the 7th track....I Miss You. It's about you. And tell Leonie she's beautiful for me.....I dont think she believes me. I love you, Daniel....my Jonesy. Fuck everything. Goodbye, Jonesy.

Love, Daz.

"Oh....Oh GOD.....No....NO, Dazza.......please....." He dialed the number again on his desk phone. No answer. He screamed a anguished cry that echoed through the house. He clicked the next one.

To: Danny
From: Leo
Subject: Daz
Date: January 14

Hey...Daniel? Is Darren at your place?? I cant find him anywhere!! He has a photo shoot in an hour. Tell him to get his cute ass over here. Thanx. Love, Leo.

And the last.

To: Daniel
From: Ben
Subject: Darren
Date: January 15

Hey....Daniel....you might wanna sit down.......

Daniel didn't wait. His mind was racing. If he wasn't in San Fran.....where could he be? He didn't finish reading Ben's mail, and didn't have the sense to read for an address. He picked up his keys, and shot out the door.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Half dressed, and dizzied from crying, he drove 87 mph down the express way, taking the nearest exit to Logan. His instincts brought him to a familiar old flat. There were police cars....ambulances...Ben's car....it just didn't look right....this was where they conceived Savage Garden...and where Darren had...

NO!

He was fine, he lied. It kept him calm while he parked haphazardly in the yard, and he ran out through the yard, stumbling and losing his balance as he swung open the door, greeted by the curious glances of the paramedics and Ben and Karl. His eyes pleaded to Ben as the shaking green terror watered. He smelled blood.....so much blood.

"Ben.....K..Karl.....tell me....no..NOO!" He lost it."Danny.....it'll be okay....we'll be okay...." and Ben embraced him as Karl caressed his shoulder in consolence. Daniel jerked away.
"Where's Daz..."
"Daniel....you shouldnt see him..."
"FOR FUCK'S SAKE! Where is DAZZA!?!"
Daniel didn't wait for a reply, he walked to the bedroom. There were 2 medics..and there Darren was, under a white sheet....and the sheet wasn't moving with his breath. Blood soaked through, there was a gun in a plastic bag.....bloody gloves.....bloody walls.....bloody pictures of them still on the bedside table. It was too much. Ignoring the medics pleas to stay back, Daniel ran to Darren and threw back the sheet. And he choked on his tears. Darren had shot 3 times. Chest, stomach, head. Blood everywhere. It seeped through his expensive shirt....Daniel took his face in his hands. He was so pale....his face a deathly shade of gray, he smelled of cologne, tears and blood. And Darren. But he was beautiful....still. Even death couldn't steal the angelic beauty. He gingerly touched the wound to his head, blood touching his finger, and he jerked back. He was dead. "No...NO. Dazza....I'm sorry....come back, Im SOORRRY!!! COME BACK! You CAN'T leave....I love you....I do...I love you like you love me....I LOOOVE YOU. Please....I'll never ever do it again....please. Dazza....Daz......I love you so much..." He wailed, bringing the limp body to his chest, the cold flesh meeting his cheek. He planted butterfly kisses all over the cold skin and left warm trails behind.....tears grazing them. His body heaved involuntarily, sobs coursing through him. And once he realized it was too late to be Prince Charming..and Sleeping Beauty was dead, he pulled back, and watched as those kaleidoscope sapphire eyes rolled back. He eased him back down, and for the first time, he noticed the pin stuck in Darren's flesh....a safety pin with a torn piece of notebook paper that said, scribbled, and misspelled, and stained with life. 'I'l wait for you'. And he cried again, jumping off the bed. He had killed Darren. It just kept running through his head. His selfishness killed Darren. His Dazza. And he was going to wait for him.

(at Daniel's home)

To: Dazza
From: Jonesy
Subject: (none)
Date: January 17

Hey...Daz....I thought I'd reply...it's too late...I know. But I love you too...I always will....I can't make it up to you.....but I can tell you this....you wont have to wait long for me. I'll see you soon, beautiful prince. I love you. I love you. I love you. Love, me.

Click. Send. Offline.