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~Chapter One~
Darren couldn't get the melody out of his head. He couldn't shake the feeling attached to it. And he couldn't stop staring at Daniel.
It's not like he was doing anything special, really. Just sprawling somewhat like a lazy cat would, his long, sometimes awkward limbs arranged in a relaxed manner that exuded a sense of calm. An intense calm, if that made any sense at all.
As he scribbled on one of the various partially crumpled pages spread out all over the single bed, a fringe of his wavy dark blond hair crept down hesitantly to cover one eye. He puffed a breath of air up at it, but it persistently remained. Then he smiled. And stopped Darren from humming the melody out loud.
Which was a good thing, because if he had, Daniel would have been all over it in a heartbeat. This was their game, their competition. One might say, the source of their need for perfection.
But as to the smile...well one really had to see it to understand. It was a secret locked in a smile. It was exhilaration in an image. It radiated knowledge and pure satisfaction in one...
In one what? Another abandoned thought, but with good reason. Daniel was eyeing him with that same feeling of a secret untold, but mingled now with mirth and an almost challenging curiosity.
He yawned suddenly, and stretched, his lanky body quivering slightly with the sudden movement. “There’s a camera in the top draw of the desk, you know,” Daniel commented casually, his deep voice echoing strangely in the small room.
Darren gave him a blank look for a moment, before catching the flash of teasing humour in the reflective glint of his eyes. Of course. Because Daniel would never utter a proper cliché, he would only hint at it.
“I’m going to go change the light bulb in the toilet,” Darren found himself abruptly changing the subject without his usual returning banter. He pulled himself to his feet from his respite on – well, rather in – the ever-sinking cushions of the loveseat. Everything in this room had been crammed in, despite the ridiculous lack of space for it. He ignored Daniel’s slightly quizzical look, and waited for the usual careless apathy to cross the attractive face. Then he departed for his journey of 6 feet to the washroom door.
The bulb was incessantly flickering as it had been for the last month. It was Daniel’s turn to change it, really, since he had the bedroom this month, but he couldn’t be bothered to and that was just fine with Darren. Because it gave him an excuse to try and use the flickering light in an effort to hypnotize himself into hopefully getting a grip on his changeling disposition.
The problem was Darren’s interminable sense of hope, as usual. His dreams, when stated, invariably began or ended with ‘at some point’. As in, “We won’t be living together forever, we’ll have our own houses at some point!” and “at some point, we’ll be rock stars, you have to prepare yourself for the limelight.” Or even more unlikely, things he said to himself as he fell asleep every night, like “at some point, you’ll love me too.”
Pulling the step stool over, he flicked the light switch off and climbed up. Staring for a moment longer at the electric sparks still shooting strangely through the bulb, Darren raised an arm up and, in retrospect, he would say that his limbs had felt quite sluggish, and his vision had blurred dizzily. But just as he touched the still-warm glass, he felt a blackness swirl around him, stealing his sight. It muffled all sound save an odd whisper as if someone, somewhere, had breathed a sigh of relief, or perhaps of sorrow.
Upon waking, he was still not able to describe the feeling, for it had not quite been swooning nor quite the peak of pleasure nor even of death. He’d experienced the first two in the past and it was unlike either. And he knew it was not the pull of death, for the simple fact that he had indeed woken from it. Still, the feeling became quickly inconsequential as he realized that the light that shone above him was very functional.
Had he changed the bulb in his unconscious state? Darren smirked at the thought then slowly rose to his feet. That was when he realized he was no longer in that one-bedroom apartment he shared with Daniel.
~*~*~*~*~
Daniel loved the smell of the bar-b as it sizzled with heat and succulent juices. The smoky odour filled his yard and he was contented to watch his dogs run amok and play fight with one another. Behind him, he heard Kathleen laughing and mock-scolding one of them as the pup tried to chew at the hem of her summer dress. Life had settled down a lot for him, and to be perfectly frank, he didn’t think he could be any happier.
A twinge in the back of his mind attempted to remind him of something, but he almost unconsciously pushed the thought away. After all, there was no point in reminiscing or regretting. There was never any point to that. He tried to focus on Kathleen’s incessant chatter instead, but sometimes he considered wryly if she ever had a complete train of thought.
Slightly relieved (and then subsequently ashamed) that her never-ending story about one of her vapid friends was cut off by the ring of his sweetheart’s mobile phone, he gave her a questioning look when the smile rather abruptly faded from her face. Her delicate, sun-flushed features took on a frowning look of consternation followed by a resigned unhappiness.
She clicked off the tiny phone and sighed, “Well, it looks like the flights for Melbourne are all booked for tomorrow, so they had to get me one for tonight instead.” Another last minute change in plans due to one of their hectic careers in the entertainment industry. But it wasn’t as if he didn’t understand. He pulled her into his warm embrace, and sighed as well. There would always be other days, after all.
But again that little twinge reminded him (successfully this time) that their careers seemed more and more hell-bent on pushing distance between them, both physically and emotionally. But really, that wasn’t a big problem…all he wanted was just a little peace and a comfortable happiness. It wasn’t in his nature to want the grand passion, the intense and risky roller coaster relationship. He’d had that after all and could honestly say ‘no, thank you’.
He squashed the twinge this time before it even had time to form and then busied himself with calling a taxi for Kathleen and cleaning up, as she retrieved her suitcases from their bedroom.
~*~*~*~*~
Darren brushed the silken strands of inky black hair from his eyes, as he stared with disbelief at the room he stood in. What should have been the slightly dingy, disorganized array of Daniel’s furniture was instead a sunny, very feminine matching set of bed and vanity. The room was slightly larger than before, a little curved skylight area accounting for the extra space. He absolutely hated the ambiance of the room. It felt smothering and quite facile. It no longer held that integrity, that stark intensity…
He had the good sense to hide in the wood-framed closet when he heard voices approaching (although, that was another thing which brought a scowl to his face as he remembered the sliding metal frames that should have been there). He couldn’t make out what was said, but he heard the unmistakable sound of the main door to the apartment closing as the owners of the voices exited. Thankful that he didn’t yet have to deal with people, particularly since he had no idea where he was, what had happened, or why things had changed so much.
At this point, the shock started to wear off, and a sense of confused panic hovered in his mind. Attempting to get a grip (ah yes, the source of this whole incident), Darren’s mouth flattened into a determined line and he surreptitiously made his way out of the closet, the bedroom and indeed the apartment. His slender, fragile-looking frame shook ever so slightly with nerves, as his eyes flitted about warily in search of anyone that could confront his presence.
Thankfully, he made it outside without difficulty. He looked around at the many individuals strolling, striding and in general going about their business, and wondered if perhaps he’d simply been hallucinating. But then upon closer inspection he saw nuances that made him think perhaps he was still hallucinating. Small things; like slight changes in fashion; the different models of passing cars. And big things like the date on the newspapers at a nearby coin-operated, news-stand.
October 5, 2002. October 5, 2002. Darren frowned, because he’d been sure just a half hour ago it had been October 5, 1995. Surely, then, this must have been a dream. He felt relieved at the obvious realization and decided perhaps he would go with this dream, as far as it would take him. All sense of panic chased away, he wandered down the street and contemplated what he should do next.
He stopped abruptly, much to the annoyance of individuals behind him on the busy street. But of course! With glee, his mind raced with ways to achieve his newfound goal. To find himself! 7 years older, but what a shocker it would be! Then the tiny voice of reason (or paranoia or self-doubt, whichever he preferred to call it) stepped in and suggested that if this dream was anything like Back to the Future, he shouldn’t try to meet his future self in case the shock killed one or both of them.
He frowned again, forgetting of course that he had decided this was a dream (and so it wouldn’t matter if he or his older self were to die in it). Besides, how would he find himself, he could be anywhere! Contemplating despite the curses of passing pedestrians, Darren was instead struck with an even more obvious internal yen. Daniel. He nearly giggled with glee at the idea of seeing Daniel’s future self. He wondered if age had been kind to his band mate’s lovely features. And he resolved not to think too much upon it in case it resulted in the frustration of the dream being broken much too early.
Fishing out his wallet from the back pocket of his tight black jeans, Darren took inventory and realized he had $20 to his name. And he didn’t even know where Daniel was. With his luck, the guitarist was now living in the States upon becoming a mega-star. Giggling out loud this time at the thought, Darren instead made his way to a convenience store in search of phone cards. Daniel’s parents wouldn’t have moved, he would bet.
~*~*~*~*~
After a more rushed dinner than he would have preferred, Daniel lay stretched out on the soft beaten leather of his favourite couch, Kathleen’s small waif-like form cradled to him. They didn’t speak, nor did they do anything more than simply hold one another. It was something they liked to do, just absorb each other’s presence. Feeling an overwhelming affection, he gently kissed her forehead and smiled as she stirred. Then winced when she accidentally elbowed him in the rib.
“I wish I didn’t have to go,” blithely unaware, her voice came across slightly petulant with regret and a thread of unhappiness, though she couldn’t resist his sunshine without returning some of her own.
“I know” was his only reply, though it spoke volumes about love and a cynical yet casual acceptance of life’s twists. His arms tightened about her and pulled her closer. And his…well their cocoon shattered as the phone rang again, only this time with the shrill pitch of his house phone.
Barely shifting, Daniel reached over and lifted the receiver, then hung it up again immediately. Now was not the time, was his thought as his mouth brushed against Kathleen’s in an attempt to overpower the strange foreboding he felt.
~Chapter Two~
Darren cursed. After calling Daniel’s family home, his nerves forming a lump in his throat, he’d nearly hung up on Chris, his band mate’s mum, out of sheer panic. She had recognized his voice, despite 7 years of regression (and despite the fact he’d deliberately lowered it an octave) and had chattered away with him about how long it had been since he’d called. Darren hadn’t wanted to commit himself to any statement, lest it be rendered false under current conditions, but his curiosity had been highly piqued at the sense of forgiveness he’d felt from her. It had made him feel apologetic, though he couldn’t guess why.
In the end, he’d been thankful that his future self hadn’t been visiting their residence, because without a doubt that would have been a disaster in the making. Even so, he’d managed to get Daniel’s home phone number and address out of her. Thankfully Daniel was at his house in Sydney, which made Darren curious as to how many houses Daniel had in total! He would have contemplated further, if he hadn’t been more puzzled by the phone call. He’d gotten the information under the pretence of being forgetful...which had incited another curious response from Chris. A dry but amused lack of surprise.
But alas that wasn’t the reason for his current foul mood. Daniel had hung up on him without a proper hello in either direction, which usually meant he was otherwise...occupied.
Grumbling, he thought, as he stared at the sun as it dipped lower in the sky, that perhaps he would pay dear Daniel a surprise visit then. After all, using public transit, it would take him about an hour to get to the guitarist’s new residence, and that was plenty of time for…whatever leisure activities the blond was currently embroiled in.
~*~*~*~*~
Daniel swallowed a frustrated sound as after a few blissful moments, Kathleen pushed him gently away and reminded him she had to leave in a few minutes. As if he could forget. He reluctantly allowed her up and trailed her to the door in his usual unhurried stride. The taxi pulled up just as they opened the door and he carried her belongs out to it. Their usual ritual of a swift kiss and a soft-spoken exchange of goodbyes got easier every time they did it. He knew he should wonder at that, but didn’t want to think too deeply upon it.
He watched the taxi disappear down the street and around the corner, its destination of the airport a good 45 minutes away. The sun was just starting to set properly now, so he considered that it was the strange lighting and the rays reflecting that made him think the man waiting by his door when he turned around had just appeared out of nowhere. And that he looked like a genuine ghost from Daniel’s past.
He blinked a few times, attempted to clear his head of cobwebs. But nothing could stop the name from escaping his mouth, “Darren?”
The apparition smiled softly and raised his hand in hesitant welcome, but said nothing. Daniel shook his head, a lock of his shaggy blond mane falling onto his forehead, and then started forward uncertainly. As he neared the thin young man, who was swaying slightly with obvious nerves, Daniel’s shock grew ten-fold.
“My God,” he breathed, stopping just a foot away, deep into a stranger’s personal space...but then this seemed to be no stranger. Tentatively, he lifted a hand almost as if against his will and with sparkling awe in his eyes, trailed his fingers gently along the other man’s jaw. The touch only lasted a split second and ended when a starburst of stunned yearning ignited in the younger man’s eyes. Daniel’s breath caught. But before the former guitarist could react in any way, the apparition launched himself at him and proved completely that this was no apparition at all.
~*~*~*~*~
Darren didn’t know why he was filled with such overwhelming emotion. He wanted to hide away in Daniel’s arms in the hope that maybe it would return his world to reason and sanity.
From the moment he approached the house, double-checking the address dubiously as he saw the impressive structure, he had felt for the first time…that maybe this wasn’t a dream after all. Every second that passed made him wonder if he was forever caught in this strange temporal spiral, this mistake in the fabric of time.
Darren had been hesitant, waiting by the curb a few houses away, until the choice had been made for him. The door had opened and at first he had been relieved in his thought that he had somehow gotten the wrong address down. He had been sure that the dark-haired, exotic girl that had approached the taxi couldn’t possibly be connected to Daniel in any way. Until he’d seen the truth.
But now he was more concerned with absorbing Daniel into his own body, or attempting to. Dream or no dream, he only ever just wanted to be near Daniel, to be just like this, and he’d take it any way he could. Too soon, however, Daniel’s shock wore off and he put distance between them. Then it seemed he changed his mind and took Darren by the hand, firmly leading him into the house. Darren was caught staring at their clasped hands, and so simply followed meekly.
Once inside the fairly spacious house, Daniel tugged him into the living room, even as Darren was enthralled by the décor. The first words out of his mouth were of course, an excited, “Did we make it then?” They were the wrong words, because Daniel immediately stopped and whirled around, pulling his hand away as if he’d been burned.
“That’s fucking funny! But the joke’s over. Now who sent you?”
Darren remembered Daniel’s rarely seen angry face, and this was far worse. He stuttered, his eyes lowering vulnerably, “I-I…no one…I don’t know how I—”
Daniel abruptly snatched him over with clenched fistfuls of Darren’s shirt. “Don’t fuck with me, was it Darren? Is it because of today? Who was it!” The snarling was new, the fury and the pain in Daniel’s eyes, all new. Darren’s own eyes filled again, and he felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach. He wanted to wake up already, but somehow he knew this was the real deal.
Unfortunately, it seemed Daniel did not.
~*~*~*~*~
“I am Darren…I know you don’t believe me but I am…” The Darren-doppelganger was extremely convincing as his big blue eyes shed perfect tear droplets. Daniel felt a desperation claw at his stomach as he slowly let the man’s shirt go. A boy really…he’d forgotten how incredibly child-like Darren looked back then.
And with that he had to sit down, because unbelievably he was accepting something that was physically impossible. He buried his head in his hands and ignored the youthful Darren’s anxious hovering. Through a tunnel, he heard Darren babble on as he did when he was nervous or upset. His gestures back then were still much as they were now.
“I can prove it! Um…the…um…the worst song we ever wrote together was Magical Kisses, we agreed on that just the other night…I mean, well just the other night for me but I uh I guess 7 years…oh! Unless we wrote a worse one later…ok, you’re not impressed. Well, the um last thing I remember doing was trying to change the light bulb, only it was odd and sparked even when the light was off…You were in the other room! We were writing songs in the apartment and—”
“Shut up! Just shut up!” Daniel unexpectedly shouted at him, his green eyes wide with reminiscent alarm and the overwhelmed sensation he was currently experiencing. Suddenly his mind filtered Darren’s words, and he sucked in a breath of dawning horror, “What? What did you say?”
But Darren had a hurt, petrified expression on his face and was fiddling with his shirt. Daniel sighed, and ran a frustrated hand through his wild hair. Speaking as soothingly as he could, he asked Darren to please sit down and he apologized for freaking out at him. Darren perched on the far end of the couch and it made Daniel smile in spite of himself; oh how his ex band mate had changed from days gone by.
“What did you mean, about the light bulb?” Daniel queried softly, fearing the answer yet knowing it held the key to understanding how the hell Darren of 1995 had suddenly appearing in 2002.
“I…I went to fix it…and then I blacked out, and suddenly I was here.” Darren mumbled, still fidgeting and slightly timid. Then he raised his head and pinned Daniel with a partially excited, partially frightened look, “Well not here…but in the old apartment. Obviously we don’t live there anymore.”
Daniel took a moment to process that, but before he properly could, Darren’s naturally persistent curiosity seemed to get the better of him. “Can I just—I mean, we did make it right? Because this house is really great. But I was, well, I was talking to your mum on the phone, because I didn’t know how to find you, and she made it seem like I hadn’t spoken to her in a long time, and—”
Once again Daniel cut in sharply, distressed, “You spoke to Mum? When? What did you say? You can’t just do that, Darren! Who else have you spoken to?”
Darren’s eyes widened in confusion, and he stumbled over his words as he tried to alleviate Daniel’s worries. “I didn’t say anything, I swear, and I didn’t speak to anyone else, I just wanted to know why we haven’t—”
Daniel jumped up and began pacing, gesturing wildly as the panic struck him full force, “Darren, you have to realize this is huge! People can’t know about this, I don’t even know how long this is for, or where the current day Darren is. And I don’t know if I should say anything to you about now, because God knows what could happen—”
Suddenly it appeared that Darren had an epiphany as he latched onto Daniel’s arm and breathed in a hushed tone, his expression genuinely in awe, “What if it really is like in Back to the Future? Where I can’t meet myself?”
Daniel paused in his tirade and stared at Darren in disbelief. Then upon realizing the younger man was at least half serious, he couldn’t help it. Despite the potential seriousness of the situation, he burst out laughing leaving Darren to blink in bewilderment despite offering his own half-smile.
~*~*~*~*~
“Is it very different now? I mean, it’s only been 7 years but…” Darren asked softly, afraid that he would set Daniel off after they’d finally settled into a somewhat amicable silence. Daniel had made them both a cup of coffee, and they’d resolved to attempt to solve this bizarre riddle, but then had simply subsided into silence.
Daniel predictably sighed and replied somewhat impatiently, “Not really, and completely. There’s too much to tell you, and I still don’t think I should, even if you do think that it’s all somehow already been incorporated into the past.”
Darren curled his legs up on the couch and laid his head along its arm glumly. He thought he’d been somewhat convincing when he’d suggested that at some point he had to go back otherwise he wouldn’t have existed to this point in the future. He heard a long-suffering sigh and a muttered curse.
“Fine, stop pouting for Christ’s sake. You know I can—couldn’t resist that.” Darren raised his head again and grinned widely at Daniel, though a small voice in his head wondered why that was in the past tense.
“What do you want to know?” Daniel queried curiously, and Darren noted with a sudden frown that his eyes were guarded a slate green. At some point, Daniel had been hurt, that was plain to see. So he decided to deal with this head on.
Darren firmed his lips, “What happened to us? Don’t try and deny it. Something did.”
In retrospect, he hadn’t been completely prepared for what Daniel had to say, nor had he expected Daniel to simply open up and tell him. But he had done, speaking until he’d practically gone hoarse and Darren had had to fetch him a glass of water. Daniel had spent two and a half hours explaining as objectively as he could everything that had happened, right down to the day they’d broken up the band. October 5, exactly one year prior.
Well, everything except what had happened on another October 5, seven years ago; the poisonous source of the festering wound that had eventually separated them.
There was silence and then Darren couldn’t bear it any longer, his eyes reflecting his own heavy and broken heart. He murmured in despairing confusion, “But why? I can’t believe it was just the fame and attention. We were meant to be. I know it, and deep down you still know it, too. Was it me…did I forget? Did I change?”
~Chapter Three~
Daniel closed his eyes and grimaced, wondering why he was bothering with destroying all of Darren’s naïve and beautiful dreams. He considered that it could be some sort of subliminal (and sick) revenge against the Darren of present, and, worse, he considered that he was probably right. His voice expressed his exhaustion with himself; still he couldn’t summon the energy to lie, “We both changed to some extent. But honestly sometimes it seems like you’re not even the same person, like maybe you did forget.”
Darren sucked in a startled breath and he hugged his arms around his slender frame, letting the inky strands of hair fall into his eyes, “It was me, wasn’t it. I hurt you.”
Daniel almost inadvertently reached for Darren in comfort, but curbed his movement at the last second instead wringing his hands and reminding himself this was not his Darren to comfort. That his Darren was in reality beyond need and recall of comfort.
“We hurt each other…” was all Daniel could really offer, even as Darren raised eyes in an unconscious plea. For a moment, time was traversed in a mere metre of physical space, and something electric bridged even that gap. Daniel swore and tore his eyes to the floor, “Please, let me be concussed in some hospital bed.”
“If anything it’s my dream, not your delusion.” Darren conceded softly, disentangling his slender limbs and standing.
Daniel stood up quickly, defensively, as the enigmatic 23-year-old closed the distance between them. Daniel couldn’t help the hitch in his breath when Darren brushed his fingers along a hollowed cheek; this Darren more than the other was always able to reduce him to a state of inexperienced nervousness. He flinched when Darren murmured with a tiny frown line marring his smooth pale forehead, “There was a song in my head that day. Do you know what it is?”
Daniel’s gaze darted away, flickering to the floor as his eyes closed in an expression of resignation. Of all the questions, the formerly perceptive Darren had to ask that one. “I remember it.”
Darren seemed relieved and he barrelled on eagerly, “So we wrote it then?” Daniel felt his mouth curve into a small smile of nostalgia, unwittingly replying, “We wrote it after you woke up from…from this.” When he realized his mistake, he froze.
For a moment, Daniel braced himself against the gentle fanning of hot breath against his face, unwilling to meet Darren’s searching gaze. He didn’t plan on replying when Darren queried further, “What was it about, our song?” Daniel barked a short laugh, noting the irony of Darren’s question. Because it had been about them, and inevitably became ‘their song’. The one that defined them.
Daniel didn’t realize he’d spoken out loud until Darren’s fingers curved around the nape of his neck and he knew even as the questions in Darren’s gaze tripled, that there was never really an answer except this...Their lips softly clung to one another, unsure, invariably drawn but unwilling to surrender ground. A sob gathered strength in the graceful column of Daniel’s throat and soon he had the wraithlike Darren gripped by the wrists and he was kissing him as if it were their last ever kiss. As he knew it was.
~*~*~*~*~
Darren, in his shocked pleasure, pressed forward against Daniel’s more solid form. He was no longer all awkward joints and angles, Darren acknowledged in appreciation. In his life as a pop star, he’d built smooth muscles, and tanned his skin golden; in his post pop star life, he’d softened only so much around the edges as to be less intimidating.
Darren made a rumbling breathless noise as Daniel’s tongue expertly tangled with his own; some part of him considered that maybe they’d done this before. Just as he was about to impatiently and eagerly banish all thought entirely, Darren was released and in fact pushed away hard enough that he had to take a few steadying steps in retreat.
Daniel wore an expression of stunned guilt as he mumbled and paced away in a harried manner, “This isn’t right…We can’t…”
That was when Darren fully realized something had happened like this between them, that this wasn’t the first time they’d taken this route in their relationship. He blanched as he considered all the ways something like this could have played out back then…none of them were promising. He asked in a hushed voice, his hand making a helpless gesture, “When?”
“When you woke up. Everything changed when you woke up. You didn’t remember all of this, just some of it, and you didn’t tell me nearly all of what you did remember.” Daniel stopped and looked at him grimly and Darren knew that was all Daniel would willingly convey.
Darren was shaking his head though, the denial running thick under his skin, making him stutter agitatedly, “I wouldn’t! I wouldn’t forget. I wouldn’t just forget! And even if I did, even if none of this registered but we still somehow…we still…we wouldn’t have just given up! We can’t just give up! And I know now, I know, and I can go back and when I go back—”
~*~*~*~*~
Daniel knew a panic attack when he saw one, though it had been years since his Darren had succumbed to one, and he knew the shock of all this was finally getting to the younger man. He was across the carpet before he could think twice about it and even as his arms closed about Darren in soothing comfort, Daniel could feel his body stiffening in restraint. Darren thankfully stopped stuttering, as if realizing his peril, and just buried his face against Daniel’s neck gratefully.
Eventually the hiccups surfaced, and then when Daniel gently shushed the small, frustrated noise Darren seemed unable to contain, the sheepish laughter finally reverberated through Darren’s relaxing muscles.
Daniel closed his eyes momentarily in relief and then wore an affectionate smile as he pulled away, “Close one, that.”
Darren scrunched his nose adorably, then the lines of his strangely youthful face smoothed into seriousness. “I promise I won’t forget, Daniel.”
The world-weary former guitarist sighed and moved away entirely, wandering to the window to watch as the sun bled into the sky in its last effort to retain its grandeur. He spoke in almost a detached fashion, not wanting to upset Darren again, “You’ll forget, Darren. You were meant to, because the present is as it is. People weren’t meant to change the past this way, it only happens in movies.”
Despite his attempts at keeping the situation in hand, Darren insisted vehemently, his eyes reflecting sparks of determined blue, “I won’t! Listen, I’ll go back, and I’ll tell Daniel—you—how I feel, how I’m attracted to you, how I lo—”
Daniel’s eyes widened as he realized where this was going, and then narrowed like a hawk’s as he sharply interceded, “You can’t! You can’t, even if you remember, which you won’t! The Daniel I was, he won’t be ready—”
Darren was over to him in a flash, grasping desperately at Daniel’s shirt, his voice breaking with fervour, “Then I’ll wait! I’ll wait until he, until you’re ready. I’ll wait however long it takes. Please, Daniel. Promise me you won’t give up on us either.”
But Daniel was already shaking his head desolately, shrugging Darren loose. Finally he pinned the younger man with eyes that burned past pain, shame and guilt into Darren. “It doesn’t matter what I do, you’re the only one that has the chance to go back.”
“I know…I just,” Darren gestured vaguely, clearly not quite understanding it himself, “I just think that if you believe in us now, maybe at some point, in some way, you’ll be ready when I go back. Maybe even sooner than you were…it doesn’t make any sense, I know, but.”
Daniel smiled sadly and stroked his fingers through Darren’s hair in a reminiscent fashion. “At some point…” Daniel laughed with a touch of bitterness; he’d forgotten the old Darren’s hopeful nature, “Darren, I don’t know if I was ever ready…or if you ever will be again.” Darren’s expressive face reflected his confusion, but just as the ethereal singer was about to investigate Daniel’s purposefully cryptic comment further, the phone rang.
~*~*~*~*~
Darren frowned at Daniel then at the phone. He saw a flicker of amusement in Daniel’s otherwise sober eyes, and felt immediately better for it; if he could make this Daniel smile after all he’s endured, it was his world. He flopped back down on the couch as he watched Daniel speak quietly into the phone. But he was immediately alert and upright when he caught the distressed expression crossing Daniel’s face. He blatantly tuned in.
“…calling from here in Sydney? Why--…oh mum, that’s right,” Daniel briefly glanced over at Darren, then abruptly turned his back, causing him to frown, “No, it’s ok, I’m fine, how are you doing?” That’s when it clicked. Darren jumped up and raced over, fairly smashing the ‘speaker phone’ button before Daniel was aware of anything.
Even so, his band mate seemed too stunned to do anything as the voice of Darren’s older-self filtered into the quiet living room, “…just wondering, I know this is going to come across as strange, but your mum’s strange phone call made me feel like I was supposed to do something…I just…is today important, Daniel?” Sucking in a startled breath, the younger Darren watched Daniel with disbelieving yet apologetic eyes.
Daniel blanched at the full impact of present day Darren’s words. He leaned down slowly towards the speaker, still gripping the phone receiver tightly, and husked weakly, “No…no it isn’t.” The 23-year-old reached for him in empathetic anguish, but Daniel shook his head even as the 30-year-old’s voice crackled over the speaker, “Oh…ok…well, night then.”
Daniel murmured good-night, but before they heard the click, the younger Darren burst out, “Why—?” Daniel raised a finger, glaring with alarm and effectually silencing him. There was a pause, and then they both heard the click of the phone being hung up. Daniel carefully pressed the speaker button again then muttered, “Let’s hope he didn’t hear you.”
Then without another word, Daniel hung up the phone receiver and walked out of the room. Stunned, Darren’s gaze fell on the cream-coloured couch in bemusement as he heard Daniel make his way upstairs. In his mind, his psyche battled between all the questions he had, and the fact that Daniel was clearly upset. Finally, he wandered tentatively after Daniel.
By the time he found Daniel splayed out on his back in his bedroom, Darren was firm in his convictions; the questions weren’t as important as Daniel. He hovered by the side of the bed, picking at the bedspread, waiting for Daniel to say something but the other man just stared up stonily at the ceiling. Darren cleared his throat. Still nothing.
“I’m sorry.” His voice came out tiny and quavering.
Daniel made a noise of impatience but still wouldn’t look at him, snapping instead, “For what?”
“I…for…I, I don’t know,” Darren finished miserably, bowing his head in confusion. His eyes inexorably stung and when he tried to rub at them subtly, he heard Daniel hiss an expletive. Maybe he’d only come to the future to make things worse, instead of fix anything…that seemed to be the only thing he was good at.
~*~*~*~*~
“Oh stop it, you cry baby,” Daniel couldn’t help but growl. He snidely considered that it was a good thing Darren had gotten such a thick skin over the years otherwise he would have actually broken up the band much sooner. Then he immediately felt bad about it. Eyeing Darren with an impatient but rueful gaze, he warned gruffly, “I don’t have any more answers for you.”
Darren offered him a peek at endearingly pleading blue eyes complete with wet lashes. He was fidgeting now with the hem of his shirt and brutalizing his bottom lip with his teeth. “I don’t want to ask more questions.”
Daniel reverted his own eyes at the ceiling. “Then what do you want?” When the pause extended for longer than he’d expected, his brow furrowed and as he turned his head he caught wide gleeful though still slightly glistening eyes, and then a big smile spread across Darren’s formerly pouting lips.
“Walked into that one didn’t you!” Daniel rolled his eyes, grimacing in an attempt to hide the smile that tugged at the corner of his mouth. Juvenile then, juvenile still. He shifted his left arm up onto one of the pillows and before he could blink let alone reminisce, a warm slender body was pressed against his side. He took a startled breath as an arm wrapped across his chest, and a smooth cheek rubbed affectionately against his neck.
Unable to look down and confront the presence properly, he stuttered, his deep voice squeaking ridiculously, “Uh…Darren?”
“Mmm?” Lips pressed softly into a kiss over Daniel’s suddenly racing pulse at the base of his neck.
He counted to five to calm down before continuing quietly, “What are you doing?”
He felt Darren’s head rise, the soft tendrils of his hair brushing against Daniel’s jaw, some of it catching on the slight stubble. “You mean that wasn’t an invitation?”
Daniel’s jaw set in disbelief. The little bugger was playing at being coy! The next word he uttered was in dire warning, “Darren…” But the younger man chose to ignore him and instead show off his spry talents by climbing over and straddling Daniel’s prone form. Daniel grunted at the sudden weight and quickly averted his face when Darren leaned down to kiss him.
As he felt soft lips smoothly glance off his cheek, all of Daniel’s common sense and denial came flooding back. Turning his head sharply back, his green eyes sparking, Daniel intended to remind Darren of how utterly hopeless this was, but stopped at the vulnerable shards of exactly that emotion that were already present in the other man’s gaze.
“Please…please can’t we…” A soft kiss heated each verbal fragment, “Pretend…just pretend…it’s a dream…”
~Chapter Four~
Daniel had already surrendered before the final prolonged kiss that permeated a lethargic heat and molten sensation through his tingling flesh. His hands, despite having been deprived for quite some time, found the familiar places of old. His right impatiently pushed material away, finding the hollow low on Darren’s back, sliding roughly down until he gripped a thigh just above where the jeans now bunched. His left stroked knuckles soothingly and repetitively up along Darren’s abdomen under his shirt, delighting in the tensing and relaxing muscles.
Darren pulled away yearningly and, despite the almost musically earthy moans that seemed to require the quivering use of his entire body, managed to pull off his shirt. The heat of Daniel’s mouth immediately revelled in the taste of Darren’s overly taut flesh, his tongue curling and twisting around first one and then the other nipple that had never experienced it but somehow remembered it just the same. He murmured incoherently, “Sing for me…”
Darren swore softly, breathless and braced himself up on two arms to watch Daniel with eyes that knew too much and would forget it all. Daniel moaned in despair and craving when he felt a bare thigh rub slowly against him, potent even through the clothes that remained between them. He knew how Darren must look even as he closed his eyes, like a newly awakened boy but with the eyes and enticingly debauched look of a man; the whispers seeping from his wet lips, of taunting and filthy words serving as the soiled seduction of their untouched selves.
Even as he felt those lips trail his throat, even as he felt trembling yet strangely knowledgeable hands touch him where he remembered them most, Daniel’s darkness was blinded by the image of a forcibly confined memory…
“Darren…? Hey wake up! Are you ok? Darren!” Darren finally opened his eyes and gave him a blearily confused look. “Thank God! How many fingers am I holding up?”
“Five,” Darren replied blankly, attempting to sit up from his prone position on the floor. Above them the light bulb had stopped spitting electricity.
“What the hell happened?” Daniel was relieved and so irritated at the scare.
Daniel twisted, his skin wrought with sensation and lust as he felt Darren free both of them of their cloth restraints and even in his daze, he allowed Darren free reign because it would be his first memory as opposed to Daniel’s last. At least, he did so until he felt Darren’s breath moisten his abdomen, making him jerk in denial. He felt Darren whisper, desperately, against the hard angle of his hip, “Pretend it’s a dream…” and then he took Daniel into his mouth.
“I don’t…I had the strangest dream…that I went into the future…it didn’t feel like a dream though…”
Daniel sighed, and worried that perhaps the bump on Darren’s head was more serious than he thought. He carefully helped Darren to his feet, considering a trip to the hospital, but instead soothed, “You’re nutters, you slipped off the stool and hit your head.”
~*~*~*~*~
Daniel jerked again, opening his eyes momentarily from his reverie, glistening eyes glazed with more than just wanting. His expression must have been so distraught, because as Darren caught it, he released Daniel from the moist recesses of his mouth and surged up to slant his mouth across Daniel’s. Daniel couldn’t breathe and as if tormented from his eyes, moisture found its way between their kiss, salting it. Darren made to pull away, but Daniel gripped painfully and he was sure he felt the slick sheen of wetness on Darren’s uncomprehending face. Licking at foreign flavour, Daniel was glad that their mouths knew better than to speak, their lips and tongues too fond of each other’s taste.
Impatient, his lean muscled leg rubbed insistently against the softness of Darren’s pale glistening calf and thigh, causing unexpected friction between their male flesh. Darren broke off with a gasp, and pierced Daniel’s heart with intense blue. There was a pause as Daniel’s hand groped towards one side of the bed, and Darren thankfully took his direction, though neither was willing to avert their gaze. The creak and slide of the wood drawer struck Daniel’s mind.
Daniel shut the drawer and took the ointment and cotton to Darren, who hissed as he was examined for the cut that was hidden in his hair.
“But it seemed so real!” Darren insisted, wincing as Daniel took a damp cloth to his head. “I know I went to see you, and then we were talking…there was a girl somewhere in it! Oh, and we were famous! But I kept thinking about Back to the Future…”
Daniel chuckled as he applied the ointment, and commented dryly, “That’s the way with dreams, but only you would involve pop culture in time travel.”
Darren grumbled in frustration, “It’s annoying, I just had it on the tip of my tongue…but I can’t remember now!”
Daniel arched up violently at Darren’s gentle touch, the trailing of soothing fingers. He couldn’t seem to cease the bitter flood of anguish, of memory, but it seemed normal at this point, and a pleading sob escaped him. Darren whispered brokenly to him, but in all of it, with the roar of memory in his mind, all Daniel heard was “Shh…just pretend I…I’ll remember…”
Calming and relaxing finally, Daniel stared up with hopeless emotion and there was a pause, a blank silent breath in time where they forgot who they were and who they weren’t, and it didn’t matter anymore that this wasn’t even possible. And then in a slow rush of sound as if through a tunnel, Daniel saw more than heard Darren’s words just as he pushed forward and simultaneously destroyed all of Daniel’s mental barriers. Only a whisper, “I love you.”
~*~*~*~*~
“Why are you so obsessed with this dream, Darren? Are you sure you don’t want to go the hospital, maybe you hit your head harder than we thought…” Daniel sighed impatiently. Darren had been trying to remember for hours now, and Daniel looked quite harassed for it.
“Because—!” Darren abruptly stopped, and Daniel immediately pinned him with curious eyes. Darren stuttered on, averting his own. “Because…I dreamt I told you…that I was in love with you.”
Daniel stood stock-still, and all of his indulgence and affection bled dry, leaving only a raw uncertainty and shock. And denial. He loomed closer to Darren, who stood by the edge of the bed and was looking down at it. Daniel whispered, terrified of the answer, “Are you?”
After a tense pause, Darren raised his eyes and they glistened.
“Yes.”
Daniel sucked in his breath, then as if drawn by the beating heart of the pulsing air his head drifted closer and closer still until their lips just barely brushed in the timid possibility…
Daniel felt like he’d shouted at the top of his lungs, but in reality it had just been a low heart-wrenching moan. Darren made a soft crooning noise and nipped his bottom lip. Daniel knew that the clichéd flashes of light hit them both this time, but he knew it wasn’t just memory for Darren. Strangely calm in defeat, he finally accepted the reality of this and held Darren tight to him when the younger man tried to slide off.
He pressed a kiss to Darren’s temple and whispered back, his voice cracking but his tone solid, “I love you too. It’s ok…go…go write your song…” Another flash made Darren quiver and Daniel knew he understood what was happening. Quickly, before Darren could summon the energy to speak, Daniel warned harshly, “But don’t tell me that you love me, Darren. Don’t…because I wasn’t ready…and I hurt you…I lost you before I realized it, and it was too late—” Then the third flash blinded them completely.
~*~*~*~*~
1995
When Darren opened his eyes, Daniel was in the midst of shaking him gently and calling his name. He half-heartedly answered Daniel’s concerned questions and sat up to peer around groggily. He had the feeling he was forgetting something, but his mind was too foggy and only bits and pieces came back. In the midst of his replies, he realized with numb disconcertion, “…I had the strangest dream…that I went into the future…”
2002
When Daniel woke up, he stared at the ceiling in melancholy. He could feel that he was fully clothed and he knew that nothing had changed. His memory was sharp but quickly fading and he despaired, mourned it because it was all he had now. He sucked his breath in at the sharp jab of pain that pulsed in his chest. In a fit of wounded fury he blindly reached out, snatched up the photo of Kathleen by his bedside and smashed it against the opposite wall. The glass sprayed slightly, and he winced, but did not feel regret for it.
All he’d really done was break the glass around an already shattered lie. The one he’d worked so hard to build, that had sheltered him in its soft feminine embrace.
The doorbell abruptly interrupted his depression. Contemplating ignoring it, Daniel sighed when he saw the clock as it read 11:58 pm. It must be important, otherwise it wouldn’t be this late so he forced himself up and trudged out. Not bothering to turn on any lights save the ones above the main stairs, he silently made his way down. Wearier than he had ever been, he didn’t even look up when he opened the front door and mumbled listlessly, “Yeah?”
There was a pause and then, “Hey.” The soft dulcet tone ripped Daniel’s heart out and nearly gave him whiplash as he snapped up his head. He was speechless and gaping like an idiot, he knew. In autopilot, his arm came up and his finger pressed down the light switch. Light flooded the doorway, making them both blink.
Darren suddenly reached over and gently traced the lone dried tear streak upon Daniel’s face. After another silent and tense pause, Daniel simply clicked the light back off.
“Um…listen, sorry to…I uh…I had a hard time forgiving you.” Darren finished abruptly, avoiding Daniel’s gaze in the resumed semi-darkness. He mussed up his own blond hair as if in an attempt to keep his hands to himself. “I didn’t remember everything…but I never really forgot either. I promised you I wouldn’t.”
That’s when Daniel finally understood. It hit him like electricity; it had all happened, it was real, Darren didn’t forget. But then why…? And then he offered in a disbelieving, hushed tone, “You…were waiting?”
That was met with an uncertain half smile and a soft, “Why do you think I picked this day last year.”
Daniel’s eyes widened in shock, and numbly he answered the rhetorical question, “I thought you were just being—”
“Spiteful?” Darren finished for him with a proper smile, one of the few physical things still present from the Darren that had mostly reverted back to old memory in Daniel’s mind. “Maybe a little…but I heard what you said to me, you know…before I went back. I just didn’t remember it at first, and then by the time I did, with everything that had happened, there was only one way you’d be ready…if ever…”
“After you’d already been here,” Daniel quietly acknowledged, his expression smooth and blank. “So, today really was special.”
Darren glowed slightly with relief at not having to explain further. But then he faltered, “Are you? I mean…I never stopped…I hoped that you’d be…”
Daniel ran his eyes slowly over Darren, over all the changes reflected in the moonlight and the dim glow of the hall. He wordlessly took Darren by the hand and drew him in slowly. Letting the door swing as they stared each other down, he carefully pressed it shut with his free hand and then turned towards the interior of the house. Tightening his grip on Darren’s hand, he tugged gently without looking as he roamed towards the stairs.
Darren came along willingly albeit timidly, apparently puzzled into silence, but eventually his curiosity overcame his confusion and he halted their progress. Daniel paused, his expression serious, but did not face his former everything. He heard Darren breathe in haltingly and then, with a soft puff, exhale into a question consisting of only his name, “—Daniel?”
Daniel smiled slowly, a simple hope timidly joining the edge of pain and loss. He half-turned his body, looking to the ground first, with his profile glowing in the low lighting of the stairs. Languidly, his gaze drifted up, and focused on Darren’s questioning eyes, then with a blink fixed again on the shadow cast about Darren’s lips.
A moment passed when Daniel leaned in, and their shadows merged. He trailed his palms up along Darren’s chest, as if still needing to feel the reality, and Darren’s arms gradually came up, his hands to rest on Daniel’s hip and lower back. Then as they held each other, the reminiscent newness of it fading, he finally answered softly, breathing it against Darren’s neck, “At some point, I realized I always was.”
~finis~
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