October by Caedn

October, 1994

"Daniel, you're killing me."

"Well I'm frustrated, Darren. And you're not helping."

Darren lifted his head and stared with eyes almost blue-black with anger. He pushed his shaggy mostly ink black hair out of his face. It was starting to fade to his natural blond, it had been so long since he'd dyed it. His lips pursed into a natural pout as he blinked in consternation. His long eyelashes swept down in a lazy manner completely at odds with the current vibrant stance of his lean panther-like body. He was furious.

"You're not the only one that's frustrated. I'm trying to do what you want. But you haven't been exactly helpful there either."

Daniel sighed and lay his head down on his desk, resting it against the curve of his outstretched arms. His short dark blond hair glistened from his recent shower, trickling beads of moisture down his neck into the towel casually lain around his shoulders. Papers were strewn about in the artist's milieu, some fallen to the ground, others slowly curling from the dampness of Daniel's body. He didn't care.

After a moment of tense silence, Daniel slowly rose from the chair, his own lean form displaying the demeanor of a lazy lion waking and stretching from a long nap. His eyes pinned Darren with their intense green-grey speckles. They were never guarded, those eyes, though they never expressed much either. Darren's own eyes were often wide with honesty and emotion, but today they were muted and stormy.

Daniel spoke softly in a deep tired voice, a faint look of regret on his gaunt yet gentle face, "I'm sorry, Darren. You're not listening to the music. I just, when I hear it I'll know."

Darren dropped his gaze in acquiescence. While he spent many an hour trying to comprehend his own feelings, Daniel merely accepted his and made no pretense of defending them. They may as well have been carved from crystal and granite, for that was how alike they were.

He watched with hooded eyes as Daniel strode indifferently from the room. The blond guitarist casually dropped his towel on another chair and inserted his hands into the pockets of his jeans as he headed for the one bedroom in the apartment. Darren outlined with his eyes the protruding bones on Daniel's bare back as they rippled with his muscles. 'Too skinny' was his only thought. Daniel never looked back.

That was the extent of their first fight. A mild disagreement regarding a song that turned into a churning mass of tension that lasted a few days. Darren produced lyrics on end but Daniel was never satisfied that they suited the music. Days passed in near silence, and despite the apartment being so small, the two of them managed to avoid each other. It helped that Daniel spent most of the time composing guitar music in the bedroom while Darren stayed in his makeshift bedroom (the living room) trying to find the words. It seemed that he could never find the right words.

Finally things came to a head-on. Daniel was out buying groceries with the meager money they made at their part-time jobs. Darren remained at the apartment, half dressed, staring at the sheets of music and lyrics splayed all over the coffee table. He focused on the memory of Daniel telling him repeatedly that he wasn't listening to the music. He pushed the play button on the small stereo.

A soft pure melody reverberated through him as he listened to the recording of Daniel playing his guitar. Darren closed his eyes and strained for the sound of the guitarist humming faintly in the background. Images swirled in the darkness of his mind as he tried to listen, to hear what Daniel heard. As he rewound and replayed the bits and pieces of music, the words started to come. First in whispers under his breath, then with Daniel's humming intertwining from the tape. Darren quickly wrote and sang (and swore) in parts.

A few hours later, Daniel returned, his slender arms filled with groceries. He shut the door quietly with his foot and headed for the kitchen. As soon as he lay the bags down, a barreling mass of energy nearly knocked him from his feet. Landing half on the small kitchen table, he raised stunned electric grey eyes to pierce into the cause of his sudden lack of balance.

Darren pinned him to the table and, completely uncaring of the precarious position they were in, informed him breathlessly, his eyes wide with exhilaration, "I listened."

Daniel's own eyes widened slightly, then the corners crinkled as his voice reverberated with amusement, "Show me." Before the last syllable was uttered, he was suddenly relieved of the pressure of Darren's body and simultaneously jerked into the living room.

The singer pushed a wrinkled piece of paper into his hands and quickly pressed play on the stereo. Daniel listened and read, his face serious. After a few notes, he commanded without lifting his gaze, "Sing."

Darren hesitated as he was flooded with a sense of anxiety, but he quickly shook it off and sang a few of the lyrics. His voice quivered slightly, but he continued softly, his confidence building until suddenly

"Enough."

Paralyzed at first with anticipated disappointment, Darren ceased singing and let the tape play out. His worried and stunned eyes bore holes into Daniel's head, waiting. The guitarist looked up, blinked once and then grinned rays of sunshine into Darren.

"You listened, you fool." He laughed, his eyes glinting mischievously.

After another stunned pause, Darren launched himself at the younger man with a roar, "You had me going, you bastard!"

The two yelled at each other and wrestled until they were out of breath from laughter and exhilaration. They lay on the old shaggy carpet of the living room, gasping, until Daniel pulled himself up and said mysteriously, "I'll be right back."

Darren propped himself up on one elbow, his brow creased with curiosity. A few moments later, Daniel returned, a strange smile on his face.

"Now don't take this the wrong way, mate," Daniel qualified with a grin, and tossed him a small ring box.

It wasn't velvet, but still...Darren looked up and started laughing, his melodious vocal chords piercing high notes with mirth, "Shouldn't we get to know each other better before you propose??"

Daniel rolled his eyes and perched his slender form on a sofa arm. He gazed down at Darren expectantly. Finally Darren opened the box and sure enough a ring lay inside. It was simplistic in shape and colouring, but what caught his attention was the inscription on the inner rim.

He looked up in confusion, his pupils dilated. He voiced hesitantly, "Daniel-?"

Daniel looked up at the ceiling, his face semi-serious. "You know, I've been pushing you a lot lately. I realized that when we had that argument. Our first real argument. So I went and had that ring done...it's for both of us really. I wanted to let you know...that, you know...don't ever feel weighed down by me. Be yourself, feel things...express things...in your own time. I can wait."

It was as if he couldn't bear to look at Darren while he said those unusual words, such strong emotional words. Darren blinked back sudden moisture in his eyes. He carefully stood up and approached his band mate. Daniel turned at his sudden movement.

Darren smiled beatifically as he took Daniel's palm and placed the ring in it, then closed his own hand over it without quite relinquishing it. He replied gently, his blue eyes expressive with forgiving understanding and affection, "Our music. Our expression."

Daniels nostrils flared with emotion, and his own eyes seemed to gleam with moisture for a split second, before he quickly regained control and laughed. "God, Darren, you're so melodramatic. Back to work, divaboy!" He spontaneously hugged the older man, pushed the ring back into his hand and winked as he headed back to the kitchen to start on cooking tea. Darren smiled inwardly and put the ring on.

"No, I'm sorry, I'm really done talking on this issue....No, we won't be doing a press conference together.....Well, we haven't discussed one, and I don't think....listen....Ok, just talk to Daniel....what do you mean he's gone missing??....Well, I'm not surprised if you're harassing him like you are me....no really, thank you....Cheers!"

Darren slammed down the phone in frustration. Anger coursed through his veins as he stared at it furiously.

Leonie walked past him carrying laundry and casually pointed out, "Glaring at the phone won't make them stop calling, you know."

He turned his gaze on her instead.

She sighed and carefully put down the laundry basket to look up at him with reproach. "Glaring at me won't either."

Darren persisted for a few seconds, his brow thunderous, before he growled exasperatedly and stormed off. Leonie rolled her eyes, fixed her long brown hair back into a bun and went back to doing the household chores Darren never seemed to have time to do.

Darren fidgeted as he wandered into his expansive living room. 7 years and now he lived in a large, wealthy home in San Francisco instead of a dingy one-bedroom apartment in Sydney. 7 years and he was world famous and world-weary. 7 years and he'd gained a bit more weight and muscle, and reverted back to his natural wavy blond-brown hair. 7 years and he still fidgeted with his fingers...but in search of a ring that was no longer there. 7 years, Darren closed his eyes in one of his unusual flashes of regret...and it was over.

His solo record still needed work. Promotion would start soon, and the record label's marketing team swore they could still salvage the media coverage from the break-up of ...his old band. Darren pulled at his jeans and flopped down on his blue velvet "thinking" couch. He should have told Daniel...he knew it, but he was always a coward. Stillhe would have told him eventually ...

Darren stood up again in unrest. He wondered if guilt could kill a person. He snarled at himself, ran his fingers through his unruly hair and started pacing. Daniel broke them up first really. It was his decision! How his heart had broke as he'd watched the blond guitarist slowly pull away from everything and everyone. This had just been Darren realizing his partner's limits and giving in to themout of love and respect!

But he still should have told him. Darren sighed and finally admitted the truth to himself. He told the reporter first because then there would be no turning back. He didn't want to be weak after all this time. But he'd never intended for it to come out the way it did, to be leaked back before he'd had the chance to speak to Daniel himself....even then there was a bit of relief that he didn't have to explain it all in person now.

Darren closed his eyes, feeling the pain of something lost, and in his mind said the words the world wanted to hear but never would... I'm sorry, Daniel. I'm sorry for not telling you first. I'm sorry that I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry that I'm not as strong as you.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Lost deep in thought, Darren wandered over to the front door, unthinkingly, and opened it. He looked up, his eyes glazed with bemusement, and froze. His mouth dried out instantly, and his gut clenched as if it had been kicked.

Daniel brushed a leaf out of his frosty spiked hair. Blinking against the slight unusually chilly wind, he straightened his well-cut leather coat. Then, as he always had, he pinned a helpless Darren with his cool green gaze. The corners of his mouth tilted slightly as he acknowledged, his voice deep and husky, "Darren."

The singer swallowed air a few times before working up the nerve to speak, his voice slightly wavering, "Daniel! I...I didn't expect...." He wasn't given the opportunity to finish as Daniel carefully strode past him into the house.

Darren couldn't help but let his eyes run over his former band mate. He was hungry for the familiarity, and yet, Daniel, in his handsome and classy attire with eyes as cold as artic winter, was not familiar at all. Darren felt like he'd had the floor knocked out from under him and a small part of him wondered with irony if this was how Daniel had felt when he had found out the news.

The blond guitarist cocked his head slightly in amusement and gently knocked the door out of Darren's grasp, allowing it to shut with a soft swish. When he took a step closer to Darren, the older man stepped back against the wall, a flash of nerves and even fear passing through his expressive blue eyes.

Daniel opened his mouth as if to speak, but when he saw this, his own expression cracked from the solemn ice and turned to one of disbelief and a slight irritation. He shook his head uncomprehendingly, and lowered his gaze. Darren's mild panic became desperation when he saw the pain in Daniel's stance. He didn't want to deal with this. Not now, not yet!

"Why...why are you here, Daniel? Why did you come...all this way....?" His tone had a pleading almost accusatory quality that he couldn't seem to help. It shamed him.

Daniel remained still with his head bowed low until the silence nearly became unbearable, before suddenly raising his head. Darren felt the full force of the younger man's barely controlled tumultuous feelings. For once, those eyes that expressed so little were like a knife of emotion.

"I came, Darren," Daniel spoke in a low tone of dead seriousness, "because there are some things that you have to do in person." Before Darren could fully process the implications of that, he was suddenly thrust up against the wall violently by a clenched fist holding him by the front of his shirt.

The impact didn't hurt him so much as stun him. Darren looked with incredulous eyes at this man he'd never seen before. Daniel had never laid a hand on anyone in the years that they'd known each other. As if aware of his shock, Daniel stared down at his own fist for a few seconds, then looked up with stormy eyes that were quickly darkening.

He repeated himself, but this time in the tone of a lost, bereft soul, his voice breaking, "There are some things..." Then he leaned down and pressed his lips over Darren's.

Darren froze again. Only this time, he was sure his heart stopped beating. He felt Daniel's warm mouth covering his, pressing him for more. The singer's eyes slowly started fluttering shut as he felt a liquid lethargy fill his body. He pressed back against Daniel and relaxed his lips, letting them cling to their assailant's.

But as soon as Darren started responding, Daniel halted as if just realizing what he was doing. His movements became angry again as he kissed Darren harder, as if punishing him. Then he pulled back abruptly and released his hold on the singer, but remained just inches from him. Darren's hand automatically came up to soothe his bruised lips, his gaze wounded.

Looking completely unruffled and just as composed as he was prior to the kiss, Daniel stared down at his former band mate with an impassive evaluating expression. His hand came up and his thumb gently brushed the singer's mouth. Darren's eyes grew wide with bewildered confusion and a slight arousal.

Daniel leaned back in and whispered in Darrens ear almost caressingly, "If I could have loved any man...it would have been you. I'm sorry, Darren." Darren flinched as he realized that despite all his efforts at hiding the truth all this time, Daniel had known. But then he had always been as keen as a hawk. He avoided looking directly at Daniel as the younger man pulled back again, but found that he needn't have worried.

As if lost in his thoughts, Daniel remarked in an offhand way, "But there's no going back." He pulled something out of his pocket and stared at it for a second, before grasping Darrens hand and placing the object into his palm. He shifted his gaze from Darren's hand back to his eyes, and this time repeated in a more firm way, as if promising, "There's no going back, Darren."

With that, he forcefully closed Darren's fingers over the object and stepped further away. He opened the door, taking advantage of Darren's uncertainty, and just before he strode out, he looked back. Daniel, who never looked back, glanced behind him and wore the ghost of his old sunbeam grin, before shutting the door.

Darren stared at the door for a few minutes, not quite sure what had just happened, or if it had in fact happened at all. When he finally came to his senses, he rushed towards the door and wrenched it open, but only to see Daniel's cab just disappearing around the corner down the street. Feeling bereft, he shut the door again and looked down at the closed fist still clutching the object. Before he could inspect it though, he heard Leonie's voice from further in doors.

"Darren? Who was that?"

He didn't speak, his mind focused on who that was, and that it was in fact real. He touched his lips with his fingers and wondered when, where, how, but with no answers.

Leonie wandered into the living room and finally spotted Darren by the door, staring off into space.

"Darren?? Hello?"

The singer finally looked at her and replied in a hushed voice, "It was Daniel."

Leonie's countenance darkened and she automatically went into a defensive mode, "What was he doing here??"

Darren looked around as if bewildered by his surroundings and he half-heartedly explained, "He just said that there were some things you have to do in person. And he said there's no going back....Leo....there's no going back..." He gave her a pleading look that tugged at her heartstrings, as if asking her to make everything alright again.

"Aww, Darren..." She moved closer and embraced him comfortingly, stroking his hair, "But honey, we knew that. You didn't want to go back, did you? Not the way things were...."

Surprisingly, Darren pulled back from her, and still lost in thought, seemed to almost look through her, "I guess not...no I didn't want to go back....but Leonie...he kissed me..." And then he jerked as if just realizing it. "He kissed me!"

Leonie's eyes widened in shock, then narrowed in hot anger, "That jerk! He knew all this time! He was just using it to get to you, Darren! Don't think about it like that, we all know he's as straight as an arrow....God, to think he has no qualms about using it to hurt you like that... Did he even apologize for making you look like the bad guy?"

When Darren didn't answer, she knew nothing good had come from Daniel's visit. She started pacing and snarled harshly, "If those stupid fans had any idea what kind of fucking jackass he really is...how dare he come here...I wish you'd tell them everything...all the crap he's put you through...that son of a bit-" Before she had even finished the last insult, she went flying from a sharp, violent slap across the face.

She landed against the couch and looked up immediately in shock, clasping at her cheek. Her mouth opened and closed a few times like a fish out of water, but she didn't say anything.

Darren gave her an indifferent look with completely focused eyes, as if he were unmoved by his extremely out-of-the-ordinary action. He seemed to have full control of his senses now, and only deigned to order calmly, "Don't talk about Daniel like that anymore, Leonie. I mean it. You don't really know all that much about it."

He stared down at his hand, which slowly reddened from the impact, then realized he'd forgotten about the object in the other hand. He slowly opened his palm.

It was a ring.

Feeling a sense of foreboding, his heart clenched at the thought that Daniel had given him back that ring that his hand had been missing. Swallowing with an anticipated anguish, he turned the ring over and read the inscription. Then with a suddenness that almost made Leonie question his sanity, Darren's face dawned with understanding and he gave a shout of laughter. He carefully put the ring down on his coffee table and then strode over to her. She flinched, unsure what he was going to do.

Darren grabbed her hand and kissed it and apologized profusely for slapping her. "I was just angry, Leo, I swear if I ever do that again, you can sue my pants off!" He kissed her incessantly until finally she broke down laughing and accepted his apology. Still curious, but knowing enough not to ask, she let Darren babble at her about taking her shopping to make up for it. Darren rushed off to change with a quick affectionate hug.

Still slightly stunned, Leonie slowly walked over to the coffee table once he was out of the room. She picked up the ring, curiously, and read the inner rim.

Her brow furrowed uncomprehendingly. Staring at it for a few seconds longer, she shrugged and put it back down. Darren would tell her someday. She headed towards her room to get ready, and missed seeing Darren sneak back into the living room. He picked the ring up again, and remembered that last smile Daniel had given him. He smiled as the memories flooded him and kissed the ring, mentally thanking Daniel for his gift.

He could be happy now that he knew how Daniel felt, that in his own way he'd given his forgiveness. After all, life wasn't really a predestined story. You were free to choose your own path. And while most people would say there was no turning back once you'd burned your bridges, Daniel had qualified it...

You could always build new bridges...if you chose to do so...