And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high

I walk along the dusty road, fall leaves crumple under my boots.
I don't know why I come here so often.
Perhaps it's the only place where I can talk to you- without breaking down into tears.
A cool autumn wind picks up, kicking the dust in my face-
Ashes to ashes- dust to dust. . .
I can still remember the preacher reciting those words.
How long ago was that? I don't know- time's seemed to stop.
It really doesn't have much meaning anymore.

And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again

I guess I should venture out more- into the world.
But I don't- I don't care enough to.
I only journey here- to the place where you now reside.
But maybe you're somewhere else- far away- I can only wonder. . .

And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

No one's out here today- a little early I guess.
The sun's only been awake for a little while.
I gaze into the distance, not having to pay attention where I'm going-
It's so automatic now-
I think back- to that phone call- I've never forgotten it-
I remember every word of the conversation-
The one where I gave you my answer to that pending question.

But everything I can't remember
As fucked-up as it all may seem

You were hopeful- I could hear it in your voice.
I wanted to tell you the truth- but I lied.
I rejected you- because I was ashamed.
I couldn't see your face- but I know I broke your heart that day-

The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

What have I done? I panicked, listening to your sobbing- and I hung up the phone.
I don't know why- maybe I was scared- scared that I couldn't tell you how I really felt-

It's been awhile
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted

You always used to chide me- about smoking.
All that went out the window soon after my infamous lie.
Yeah- I know someday I'll drop over with cancer or emphysema- doubtful though-
I have other plans of how I'll leave this place-

And it's been awhile
Since I could say I love myself as well

You told me- you loved me- so why couldn't I accept it?
Maybe because it was so hard to believe anyone could actually love me- for who I am. And maybe it was because I loved you more than life itself.

It's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do

I'm almost there- to the place I come to so often. 
A petal falls off one of the flowers I'm carrying.
I bend down and pick it up- it's white- the color of purity- you.
It shrivels up in my hand- dies quietly- without complaining- like you did that night-

And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

My problems- my fucked-up life- you solved all of it for me-
Even before I admitted to myself that I loved you- before you admitted you loved me-

But everything I can't remember
As fucked-up as it may seem
The consequences that I've rendered,
I've gone and fucked things up again

I tread off the path now, towards that huge oak tree you so loved.
The grass is beginning to dull- feeling coarse to the touch.
I used to love autumn, but now- I hate it-
Ever since-
That day in September when I called you- the day after I rejected you.
You never answered- you would never answer me again.
I hurried to your house- you left the door open- you knew I would come.
I ran up the stairs, to the bedroom- the one where I had kissed you for the first time-
Just like that white petal- you didn't complain-
Just kinda smiled up at me and told me- you loved me.
I never had the chance to tell you the truth-
Never had the chance to tell you I loved you back.
It was too late-
I still have the knife- they let me keep it- God only knows why.
A morbid thing to do- I know, but it's there to remind me-
Of what I had caused- what I had done.

Why must I feel this way
Just make this go away,
Just one more peaceful day

No one ever said it was my fault- but in my broken heart I know it was.
No one will ever convince me otherwise.
Perhaps if I had just told the truth long ago- life would be so different.
And I could hear you tell me you love me- once more.

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight

Ever since then, I've hidden from the world-
I stay away from my the life I once knew-
Hardly anyone from my past ever talks to me much- well- they try- I just shut them out.
There's no point to have any contact with people, really.
You're the only one that mattered-

And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry

I pick a leaf off of the lowest branch of that tree-
I let the wind carry it along- to some place- maybe to where you are. . .
It's carried so many of my prayers off into the distance-

And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face

I remember- the way you looked- your vibrant face- my angel-
Pictures cannot compare to burning memories.
And I remember- the candle's bringing a haunting glow-
On your lifeless face-

And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

You probably thought I had used you- once I told you that lie.
But no- I hadn't-
The way you kissed me so tenderly- how we made love so many times-
How perfect it always was.
Sometimes- when I lay still at night- I can feel you next to me-
Your small body curled up against mine-
And I stroke your soft hair out of those beautiful eyes.
The eyes of an angel- one that has fallen now-
If I was only there to catch you. . .

But everything I can't remember
As fucked-up as it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

But no- I always wake from my dreams- you are never there.
I've wished on every damned star in the sky-
Guess I should quit hoping- shouldn't I?

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high

My eyes downcast, I gently lay the flowers up against the granite stone.
The letters have faded a little- it hasn't been that long- has it?
I thought about following you- long ago- but no-
I deserve to stay here- and suffer- bear the anguish of not having you here by my side.

And it's been awhile since I said-
I'm sorry

I always say a pair of three words to you- before I leave.
The first- the one you've always wanted to hear me say-
The second- the one that will never hear forgiveness-
I shiver; gathering my coat closer against me- the wind is so cold- unforgiving-
I lean down, and kiss your name- imagining it's your warm rosy pink lips-
The final time I kissed you- they were dull- tinged blue- cold.
That is the last memory I have of you- when I told the world I loved you. . .
Turning- I don't look back- I never do as I walk along that old worn path-
Passed the many other stones- passed the gate and down the road lined with oak trees.
A gust of wind blows through my hair- sometimes I think I can hear your voice.
Telling me you forgive me- and you love me.
I always look around- hoping to see you standing before me.
But you're never there - and I walk silently home- the blowing wind my only company.

Maybe someday I'll see you again-

It's been awhile. . .