Window by RiseAgainPhoenix

Tossing and turning was not a new activity for him. It seemed like he did that more than he slept, some nights. Tonight, for example. And last night. And last last night. And every other night this month. He could pretend he didn't know why sleep deserted him when he needed it most, but he was alone in his bunk and didn't have to lie. He was guilty. He was guilty for wanting Daniel. That wasn't so bad, certainly not bad enough to keep him awake every night. But he was guilty for so much more. Like not telling Daniel, for example, even though he knew he felt the same way. That was bad. But the worst thing was actually having the nerve to shy away from Daniel when he made a move. Daniel making a move was rare enough as it is, but Daniel being the first to show affection? Yes, Darren deserved to lose his sleep.

He sighed in frustration and tossed back the crinkled covers. He was a guilty man. How could anyone passively reject Daniel? With his tousled hair and shining green eyes, soft smooth voice and gentle nature, anyone would be praising every god they knew the second he made an advance. And to think Darren actually wanted him back---it made it all the worse. Not only was he breaking the sweet little heart, he was lying to his lovely face. He would be going to hell for this. If this wakeful prison of sweat and moonbeams weren't hell enough, he would be further punished. No person should be allowed to crush an angel and not be made to suffer.

And why didn't he say anything? Why not take Daniel up on his offer and make them both happy? Because. He truly wanted to, and had made up his mind to a million times over. But he chickened out every time when faced with Daniel's dazzling smile. He loved him so much, it hurt, and it scared the crap out of him so that all the words he'd run through the night before just flew out the window the way his sleep had lately. Out the window and never came back. A bad excuse, really, but the only one Darren could offer. He was too scared to do something, and as a result the pure and guileless eyes of Daniel Jones had to be permanently sad. Selfish, much?

The door to his room opened with a soft whoosh, and Daniel was there suddenly, in his room, looking innocent and perfect---the way he always looked. And Darren wasn't surprised. Daniel was patient, but he was mortal too, and he had a breaking point. Darren had been suspecting that one of these nights, Daniel would come around and do something about the situation. They both knew nothing would ever get done if it were left to Darren. The faint moonlight painted vaguely suggestive shadows all along Daniel's lean body, and it didn't take long for Darren to notice that Daniel was naked.

"Dan? Something wrong?"

Daniel sniffled. He mumbled a no, then climbed onto Darren's bed and sat straddling him. All of those words Darren had prepared for this moment flew out that oh-so-familiar window. He settled for putting his large hands on either side of Daniel's narrow hips. He was starting to realize what this was, and he hated himself. So much.

Daniel slid his slender fingers under the waistband of Darren's only article of clothing and pulled. Darren was ashamed to see himself already half hard. He couldn't let Daniel do this. If he couldn't be a lover, he should at least be a decent friend and not let him get hurt. Protect this sweet docile creature whose only aim was to make him happy. Dammit. He hated himself.

No matter how many times he told himself that this was wrong, this was horribly horribly wrong, he couldn't stop the hiss of pleasure that escaped when Daniel took hold of his member and tugged. Those fingers. Lord. Stop. "Stop." Daniel only sniffled again and kept at it. God, that felt good. Don't stop. No. This was wrong. Darren should not be letting Daniel do this, letting him spread his legs wide and tenderly slip a finger into his virgin hole. He should not be letting him wiggle his careful fingers and loosen the muscles inside, preparing him for what was to come. What was to come should not be allowed to happen. Not if he was a good friend. Not if he was right about Daniel's plan.

He should most definitely not be allowing Daniel to cautiously insert the tip of his cock into him with the utmost care. No matter how good it felt.

Because he knew he was right about Daniel's plan. He knew he was right the second he felt a warm tear hit his chest. Daniel was thrusting and sobbing, murmuring "I'm so sorry" into Darren's chest like he was the one who should be punished. Darren tried to find the words to tell him he wasn't, but those words never came back once they were out the window. Darren moaned, shifting his hips to get a better angle. He felt like a bastard. He was a bastard. He was knowingly letting Daniel do this.

He knew Daniel. So well. He knew that Daniel's adorable soul couldn't possibly comprehend why Darren wouldn't love him. And he knew that Daniel needed a reason. He knew that he was willing to provide a reason himself, just to stop the bewildered hurt of wondering what could possibly be wrong with him that would make Darren not want him. He had to give himself a reason for being hated by Darren. And now he had one. He raped Darren. He could now explain it to himself the next time Darren ignored him when he gave him a smile, or took a little step backwards when he tried for a hug. Because it was perfectly understandable now, why Darren would hate him. He'd raped him.

The only problem with that logic was that it was completely off the mark. Daniel didn't rape Darren, because it isn't rape when there is no struggle. When there's loving caresses. When he touches his cock *like that* and makes him come all over the sheets. When the only tears are shed by the rapist. Who's not a rapist. Who's just a wide-eyed man trying to invent a reason for the next time his best friend decides to rip his heart out and spit on it. Who isn't even trying to pin that reason on anyone but himself.

Darren felt like he would throw up. Disgust. At himself of course, because now Daniel was pulling out without a sound, refusing to look up, not even once. He hadn't even come yet; he just wanted to get away from Darren. And without his bidding, his arms shot out and grabbed Daniel to him, pulled Daniel down against the mixture of semen and sweat on his chest and wrapped his sturdy hands around Daniel's beautiful arousal, pulling and rubbing and not letting go. Who's a rapist now?

It didn't take long for Daniel to come, and he did so with a strangled sob. He snuffled wetly and tried to hide his tears, tried to yank away from the source of all his hurt. Darren was so close to letting him go.

Suddenly, all the words flew back in through the window.

All the things he'd meant to say came rushing back. He could remember how he wanted to tell Daniel about all the times he stayed up to watch him sleep. And all the times he nearly forgot his lyrics because he was too distracted by Daniel moving beside him. And all the times he forgot himself and ended up directing the love ballads to Daniel instead of the screaming teenage girls. But most importantly, he remembered those three little words that he was supposed to say, and maybe if he said them now, Daniel wouldn't run for the door the way he looked like he wanted to.

"Danny? I love you."

"Don't." He pushed weakly at the arms encircling his waist, convinced that this was another way to hurt him.

"I've loved you forever."

"No." He pushed at the arms again, much less convincingly this time.

"I'm sorry for everything, but if you'll give me a chance, I'll tell you all the things I meant to say all those times I ended up saying nothing. I love you."

He pushed at the arms again, this time to loosen them so that he could turn to face Darren and snuggle his head down into that dip between his chin and his neck. And before Darren could begin to spill all those words out, Daniel was asleep. Darren wasn't worried, though. He'd closed that damn window and those words were never leaving again.