"Dan? Um, can we talk a sec?"

I shrugged, "Whatever."

"Well, it's just that...lately...you've, um...seemed a little, uh, hostile...sometimes."

"Sometimes? I thought I was being rather consistent."

He froze, certainly not expecting that. It really shouldn't have surprised him. Not after everything that had been going on lately.

"Dan, do you want to talk about it?" He asked sincerely.

"No, I don't want to talk about it. And I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your damn nose out of my business."

"Dan, I just..."

"Leave it alone, Darren. Just stay out of it."

He turned on his heels and stalked out. God, I'd really pushed him too far this time. But it would be better if he'd just leave me the hell alone. Sooner or later, I would work it out on my own.

~*~*~*~*~

"Dan! Wait up!"

"Hey, Ben," I answered as I stopped, waiting for him to catch up with me.

"What's up with Darren? He hardly said a word today."

I shrugged. "How should I know?"

"Dan..."

"Look, Ben, I really don't have time for this right now. I'll see you later, all right?"

"Uh, yeah. Later."

I hurried away, leaving Ben staring after me.

~*~*~*~*~

Maybe I wasn't being fair. Okay, okay. I knew I wasn't being fair. But I didn't feel like it. I'd been fair my whole life, and look where it had gotten me.

I had become a cynical bastard. A lonely cynical bastard.

I know. How can you be lonely when you're always surrounded by people? But I was.

It wasn't always like this. I wasn't always like this. You'd think that it would have happened slowly, over time. But no. I can remember the defining moment. The exact second that all the color was drained from my world and replaced with shades of gray.

The minute I realized that...

~*~*~*~*~

* 6 months earlier *

"Have you seen Darren?" Leonie asked me when I stuck my head out of my hotel room.

"No. Why? Have you lost him again? Did he give you the slip?" I teased.

"He didn't...Yes, all right. I lost him."

"What? Lose Darren again?" Ben grinned as he passed by the two of us.

"God, I wish you would all just forget about that. It happened. It's over with. Why do you have to keep bringing it up?"

"He was on his way downstairs when I saw him. Think he was going to the bar," Ben called before disappearing into his room.

"Perfect!" Leonie sighed.

"Look, I'll go see if I can find him," I offered. Darren had been acting weird lately, and if he had managed to get disgustingly drunk, Leo would never be able to get him back up here.

"Thanks, Daniel."

I found him sitting at the bar, staring at the glass of liquid in front of him.

"Darren." I settled onto the stool beside him.

"Daniel."

"What's going on?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Darren, why are you down here? Leonie's going crazy," I said trying to get a smile out of him.

"Let her."

"Come on, Dar. Go on back up with me."

"No."

"Dar..."

"I said no!"

"Well, I'm not going up without you."

"Fine."

"Darren, please..."

"Oh, don't give me that. Don't pretend you care."

"Pretend? Is that what you think?" I couldn't help but feel hurt at his words.

"Yes, that's what I think. Look, why don't you just go back upstairs, tell Leo that you found me, and leave me alone?"

So I did.

I eased Leonie's worried mind, but I didn't tell her about our conversation.

I wasn't sure what to do. I mean, if Darren really thought that...What could I do?

I laid on my bed in the dark, just staring at the ceiling. What had I done that would make Darren think that I didn't care?

I had to talk to him. I had to try to make him see that I did care. More than anything.

Making up my mind, I headed to Darren's room.

When I got there, the door wasn't completely closed. I peered through the crack trying to see in, but I couldn't make out anything through the small opening. Edging the door open just a few centimeters, I tried again.

"Darren, why don't you just tell him?"

"I...I can't. Ben, he wouldn't understand. I can't lose him. And if that means having to...having to keep this from him, then that's what I'll do."

"But it's killing you. Surely you can see that."

Darren and Ben were seated on the bed, facing each other. Ben's back was to me, but I could see the tears streaming down Darren's face.

"Ben, you have to promise me. You have to promise that you won't tell Daniel."

I knew I shouldn't be listening, but I couldn't make myself move.

"Darren..."

"Promise!"

"All right. I promise."

"He can't know. He can't ever know."

"I think you're wrong. I think you should tell him."

Darren laughed bitterly. "Oh, yeah. I can just picture it. What am I suppose to say? 'Daniel? Remember that night you got drunk and I told you I loved you? No? I didn't think you did. Well, I do. Love you, I mean.' That'll just go over great, Ben."

What the hell was he talking about? The night I...Well, he was right, I didn't remember. Wait...Darren had just said that he loved me.

"Oh, Ben. I just want to forget about him. I can't take this anymore."

I watched in horror as Ben leaned in and took Darren in his arms.

"It's okay, Dar. It'll be all right."

"Ben, make me forget him," Darren pleaded.

I backed away from the door, finally able to move, as Ben gently lowered him to the bed.

I was in shock. In a matter of minutes, I'd found out that one of my closest friends was in love with me, or at least had been. And that he was...I shook my head. Darren...and Ben? I didn't think I'd ever be able to erase that image from my mind.

I couldn't comprehend it all. I didn't know how to feel about it. I knew I cared about Darren, but...I'd never really thought about it like that. Okay, sure I'd had fleeting moments where I wondered what it would be like...to well...I felt my face turn a bright crimson.

~*~*~*~*~

After a sleepless night of tossing and turning, I got up and dressed in a daze. I didn't know how I was going to face Ben and Darren today. Not knowing what I knew. I thought about feigning a headache and just staying in bed all day, but I couldn't stand to be trapped in this room any longer.

I left the hotel without telling anyone, and wandered around the city. I knew it was stupid, just disappearing like that, but I needed time to think without anyone bothering me.

It was early and the city was just waking up. I shivered against the cold wind and shoved my hands in my pockets.

Why hadn't Darren said anything to me? What had happened when he told me that he loved me? I cringed at the thought of what I might have said or done. I'd evidently, however unintentionally, hurt him.

But how much could he have really loved me if it was that easy to move on to Ben? And what about Ben? How he could go from listening to Darren proclaim his love for me and the next second be moving in on him, I couldn't understand.

Sighing, I started back to the hotel.

~*~*~*~*~

"Daniel! Where have you been?" Darren exclaimed, as the elevator doors opened to reveal me.

I quickly stepped out and around him.

"I didn't realize I had to tell you where I was at all times."

"I didn't mean ... I was just worried."

"Save it. Don't pretend you care," I tossed over my shoulder then slammed my door shut.


~Chapter Two~

Six months had passed like that. It didn't matter what I meant to say, as soon as I opened my mouth some insult or snide remark managed to make it past my lips before I could stop it.

Even I didn't know what had gotten into me. At least not at first. Well, maybe I knew. I just didn't want to admit it.

I was sitting alone one night, which had become standard practice for me, when I knew I couldn't lie to myself anymore.

I was in love with Darren.

And I was mad as hell with him.

I was mad because he hadn't given me the chance...no, the right, to decide for myself what I wanted. At least not while I was sober. Darren had been so certain that I wouldn't reciprocate his feelings that he refused to tell me.

And that I could have lived with. I would have found a way to let him know that I loved him, too.

But he had to bring Ben into the picture. I was mad because instead of coming to me, instead of trusting me, Darren had confided in Ben. He had turned to Ben.

It should have been me. I should have been the one comforting Darren, holding him, making everything all right. Not Ben.

But most importantly, I was mad with myself. I was mad that I couldn't remember what had happened. I should have been able to remember Darren telling me he loved me. I should have remembered that, but I couldn't. I desperately wanted to remember. I needed to remember.

~*~*~*~*~

I checked the peephole, and seeing Darren, opened the door.

"What?"

Instead of answering he brushed past me into the room.

"Sit down," he ordered.

"Excuse me?"

"Sit down. We're going to talk."

"I don't have anything to say to you," I muttered.

"Oh, grow up. Things can't keep on like this."

I sat down.

"Daniel, I want to know what's bothering you. I want to help you, but I can't if you won't tell me what's going on."

"What makes you think that you can help me?"

"What makes you think that I can't?"

I stared down at my hands, my feet, the carpet - anything but Darren. We sat there in silence for a few minutes.

"Daniel, why are you so mad all the time?"

"I can't do this."

"Please, Dan."

I felt tears spring to my eyes as I finally looked at him.

"Because I can't remember."

"What?" He questioned softly.

"I can't remember! I can't remember that night! I don't know what I did! What I said! I don't know what I did to hurt you."

"What you...? What are you talking about?"

"Forget it. Forget I said anything!"

"Danny..."

"Get out."

He stared at me a minute before complying. As I watched him go, the tears I'd been holding back forced themselves free.

~*~*~*~*~

I tried to avoid being in the same room as Darren as much as possible, and we were never alone together. Despite his best efforts to confront me again, I managed to stay out of his way.

"Hey, Danny, you coming with us?" Lee called as I headed for the elevator.

I turned to face the waiting group. It only took me a second to spot Darren at the back.

"No, um, I've got a headache. I think I'll just lie down for awhile."

"If you're sure," Lee shrugged.

I continued on to the elevator as they made their way to the door.

Once in my room, I flopped down on the bed and sighed. One more near disaster adverted.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

Or maybe not.

"Who is it?" I called without getting up.

"Dan, it's Darren. Let me in."

"Go away, Dar. I told you, I have a headache."

"Let me in, or I'll go bribe one of the maids to open the door. One way or another, I'm coming in."

I knew when to take his threats seriously.

"What the hell do you want?" I demanded, throwing the door open.

"I just want to talk."

"There are lots of other people to talk to, Darren. Leonie, Karl, Lee...Ben."

If Darren noticed the venom in my voice as I spit out Ben's name, he didn't say anything.

"I want to talk to you."

"Look, if this is going to turn into another round of twenty questions, you can leave right now. I'm not up for it, Dar."

"No questions. I promise."

I was taken aback, but I was willing to see where this was going.

"All right."

I settled onto the couch and waited for Darren to continue this little game. He sat down on the opposite end and without looking at me, without even acknowledging I was there, he started.

"I remember that night. I remember it all too well. You were drunk. I mean really plastered, Dan. I found you and Ben in the elevator. He wasn't in much better shape than you were. I wasn't that surprised to find you two like that. I mean, it's not like...Never mind."

"What?" I interrupted.

"Sorry, Dan. No questions, remember?" He smiled slightly.

"I got you up to your room and started to leave, but you wouldn't let me. You grabbed my arm and pulled me back. Asked me not to go. What was I suppose to do?"

I let the question go.

"I wanted to stay. God, how I wanted to stay. But I knew the second you woke up and found me there...I just couldn't. Dan, you have to understand how long I'd wanted to tell you that I...I didn't know when I'd have the courage to tell you, so I thought, you know, why not tell you then? I knew that no matter what happened, you wouldn't remember it. What was the harm?"

"Darren, what did I do?"

I had to know.

"You didn't do anything, Dan. I don't know what you think you did, but rest assured that you didn't. Maybe you can sleep better at night knowing that you didn't say anything you'd regret."

"Darren, I..."

"Can we move on, Dan? You know now. And I'm sorry. I never meant for that to happen. I don't know how you found out, but... Can we please just put it behind us?"

"What? No, I don't want to put it behind me."

"What do you mean?"

"Darren, for the last six months, I've been going crazy. I was so mad at myself for not remembering, and mad at you because you didn't...you didn't give me the chance to tell you..."

"To tell me what?"

"That I love you."

"You what?" He asked in disbelief.

I laughed. "I love you!"

Darren was speechless. "You mean..."

"But I was so mad, Darren. I loved you, but I couldn't see how you could love me when you and Ben..."

"Me and Ben, what?"

"That you two were...had...you know."

"What? Ben and I...Oh, God. Dan, nothing happened between Ben and me. Nothing. I swear. I...I couldn't. Not with the way I feel about you."

I let out a slow breath. This changed everything.

"But I saw..."

"You obviously didn't see what you thought you saw. Ben's been great through all of this. He's our biggest advocate you know."

"No, I didn't..."

"And besides, Ben would never do that to Lee."

"Huh?"

"Ben and Lee...You mean you didn't know?"

"No, I didn't know!"

We looked at each other and burst out laughing.

Eventually, we calmed down, and the mood in the room grew somber.

"So where does this leave us?" Darren asked.

"I...I don't know, Dar."

"Look, let's get out of here. Go for a walk. Talk. Please?"

"Well...All right. Just let me grab my coat."

~*~*~*~*~

"We've really been stupid, haven't we?" Darren asked almost an hour later as we started up the steps to the hotel.

"Yeah, I guess we have," I grinned.

I couldn't stop smiling, and once we were alone in the elevator and Darren threaded his fingers through mine, my impossibly big grin doubled in size.

Darren walked me to my room and waited as I unlocked the door.

"Um, well...Goodnight, Danny," he said.

"Darren...Don't go."

He looked at me uncertainly. "Are you sure?"

I nodded.

"And you're not even drunk," he quipped.

"Funny," I answered flatly, pulling him inside and closing the door.