After a long talk that included both Dan and myself apologizing, Dan agreed to come over. When I opened the door twenty minutes later, Dan walked in with somewhat of a sheepish smile on his face.
"When you called up all apologetic I felt awful. I was being an ass and you were just trying to help. I know I already said it, but I am truly sorry." Dan looked completely sincere.
"No, it's alright. I should have been more sensitive. I'm sorry too."
"Hey, this conversation feels awfully familiar. Didn't we just have it about forty-five minutes ago? Let's do something fun!"
I grinned at Dan. "My thoughts exactly. What are you up for?
"Nothing terribly exciting. How's frozen pizza and a rented movie?" Dan suggested.
"Sounds good to me. There's a cheese pizza in the freezer; you heat it up and I'll find a movie." I found my car keys and jacket and got ready to leave.
"Sure. And please, Darren, not Star Wars again," Dan looked at me pleadingly. I laughed.
"Fine," I said, pretending to be hurt. Then I said, "Don't worry. I'll pick something good." I was feeling really great. Dan seemed happier; we were spending time together, even joking around again. Things were wonderful.
At the video store I spent quite a long time choosing. My first instinct was to go with a romance, to drop a subtle hint to Danny. Then better sense kicked in and told me it was foolish to try to push it that far yet. I tried arguing with this voice of reason, but to no avail. It stood strong and finally I had no choice but to agree.
After searching a little while longer, I was torn between a comedy and a drama. I had wanted to see both for a long time. Eventually I chose the comedy because I loved to see Dan smile. His gorgeous grins had been few and far between lately, and anything I could do to encourage them, I would.
Driving home, I felt very content. I was happier than I had been in quite a while. There was only one thing that could make me happier (no prizes for guessing what), and this was becoming more and more of a possibility with every new day.
When I reached home I practically ran to the door. Then I calmed myself and walked in at a normal pace. Inside I could smell the pizza cooking, and I also picked up a hint of Daniel's special scent. I shook my head. My hormones were working overtime today.
I walked into the living room swinging the plastic bag that held the movie. Dan was sitting on the couch.
"Hey, you!" I called cheerily. Daniel didn't smile.
"I think I found something I wasn't supposed to," he said quietly. He held up my notebook.
I immediately lost everything in my stomach. I sank to the ground. Daniel rushed over to me. "Darren, are you okay? Oh, God, this isn't good..." Dan helped me up, then wet a washcloth and cleaned me up. After mopping up my face and the floor, Daniel helped me into bed.
"We need to talk about this tomorrow," he said, looking worried.
"I know."
~Chapter Seven~
The next morning I woke up feeling well rested and energized. I hopped out of bed to greet the new morning, the beginning of a new day. Suddenly it hit me. Memories of what had happened the day before came back full force. I fell backwards onto the bed and buried my face in my hands. Daniel had discovered the one thing he didn't know about me, the secret that had the power to destroy our friendship.
Or maybe not. There was still the chance, however slim, that Dan returned my love for him. Yesterday, I had believed in this possibility; why not now? What had changed? I uncovered my face and thought. Only one thing had really changed; Dan now knew of my all-consuming love for him. Was this necessarily a bad change? After all, I *had* been beginning to suspect that Dan felt the same way. Maybe reading the proof of my emotions was all he needed to view a relationship between us as a real possibility. Maybe he had been just like me, waiting for the right time to divulge this information.
I sat up, feeling much better. There could be a happy ending for my real-life love story after all.
Then another thought struck me: What if Daniel had completely missed the point of the words in that notebook? Maybe he hadn't even made the connection. This new idea gave me a sense of hope, but also made me strangely sad. Then, after putting more thought into it, I decided this wasn't the most likely option. I remembered exactly the look on Dan's face, the expression in his eyes, when he told me he had found the notebook. I knew he'd gotten it.
Sighing, I undressed and pulled on clean clothes. With this mindless task completed, I went out to the kitchen to make coffee and face my fears.
For the first time in at least two weeks, Daniel had, apparently, slept in his own home; he was nowhere to be seen. That couldn't be a good sign.
He was sober, I thought to myself. There was no reason for him to stay here when he was perfectly capable of driving to his own home. It was safer for him to come to my place, which was closer to his favorite bar than his apartment was, when he was drunk. Since he wasn't drunk he didn't need to worry about that. I sighed. I wasn't convinced.
I trudged into the kitchen and found a Post-it note on the refrigerator. I tore it off and read Daniel's neat, meticulous script:
Darren:
I guess we have a few things to resolve. I'll be over at six so we can talk about this. Call me if that isn't a good time, otherwise I'll see you then.
Daniel
I crumpled the paper and tossed it into the trash. Dan would be over at six. My watch told me this gave me seven hours to figure out what the hell I was going to say.
~Chapter Eight~
By five-thirty I was a complete wreck. I had tried to clean up my cluttered apartment but had only succeeded in making it more cluttered. I had already consumed three pots of coffee and was starting on my fourth. Of course, this meant I wouldn't get to sleep for the next two weeks, but at the time I couldn't care less.
At five forty-five I tried to make my living room more presentable by dusting the coffee table. The effort was futile; the dust settled comfortably in my hair and on my couch, and while the table looked great, the rest of the room looked even worse in comparison.
I sank into the dusty couch, closed my eyes, and attempted to collect my thoughts. Before even one coherent thought could form in my head, I heard Dan knock. I quickly brushed the dust out of my hair with my hand and rushed to the door.
Dan stood waiting in the doorway. Take a good look at him, I thought. This may be the last chance you get. Starting from his feet and working up, I studied every inch of Daniel's lanky frame. Long feet in those sturdy shoes; long legs, too, covered by tight, dark blue jeans; thin waist; toned chest and thin shoulders hidden by a loose-fitting gray t-shirt; long neck; pointed chin, perfect skin; pink lips that I never got a chance to feel with my own; perfect nose, then finally, those emerald eyes that forever made me weak. Now was no exception.
Finally I realized Dan was probably thinking I'd gone crazy, so I shook my head and moved out of the doorway, mumbling "sorry". Dan simply ignored this odd behavior, to my relief.
We made our way silently into the living room. Mechanically, I sat down on my black leather couch. Dan seated himself in the large armchair across from me. Neither of us spoke. We sat in the uncomfortable silence for minutes until I involuntarily spoke aloud.
"Why did you read it?" I asked, my voice barely audible. Daniel let out the breath he'd been holding, a reaction to the silence previously lingering between us.
"I...I didn't mean to," he said with only slight hesitation. I looked at him incredulously.
"You didn't mean to? YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO?!? Dammit, Daniel, that notebook wasn't out in the open, wasn't in a place where you'd just stumble across it." My palms felt hot and sweaty against the cool leather of the couch. As angry as I was, and sounded, I was also scared out of my wits. I wasn't prepared for this. Any of it.
If Daniel rejected me, it wasn't just a simple matter of a broken heart and a bruised ego. Not only would I be losing a chance for love, I'd be losing my best friend. The best friend I'd ever had.
I wasn't ready to face that possibility.
"You know I'm sorry, Darren. I can't undo it. You think it didn't upset me, too? I shouldn't have seen it, but I didn't set out to read it. Now I told you I was sorry. What do you want from me?"
"I want you to love me!" I screamed.
~Chapter Nine~
As I sat there, shaking uncontrollably, I knew. I knew this was the end. I knew, without needing to be told, that Daniel did not love me back. As I had shouted my one desire to him, his expression had become a mix of anxiety and sympathy. He looked trapped; part of him wanted to comfort me and let me down easily, and the other part just wanted to get out of my apartment, NOW. I decided to set him free.
"Oh," I started, clearing my throat of the lump that had settled in it. I blinked back the hot tears that were forming. Dont cry, I thought to myself. Dont cry now and you can cry as much as you want after Dan has left. "Well, I guess that's all settled then."
Dan looked slightly hurt, but I guess he saw his opportunity to get out of here, out of this situation, at least for now.
"Look, Darren," he started, but I cut him off.
"No, Dan. It's ok. I understand," I said, and then I couldn't stop the tears from coming. Once again, Dan was torn between consoling me and getting the hell out of here.
"Dazza," he tried again, and I winced at the use of the pet name. "I do love you, you know, just - "
"Please, Dan," I interrupted. "Don't make this any harder." He sighed softly. I felt bad. I knew the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me. But I couldn't help hating him just a little bit.
Dan looked into my eyes, and I fear that he saw that hate. If he did, he made no mention of the fact that our friendship was falling apart.
"I'm sorry, Darren," he said finally. He pulled me into a hug. I stood stiffly and allowed myself to be embraced. Pulling away, Dan looked at me once more. There were a thousand emotions written on his face, but this time, I didn't try to read them. Silently, and without breaking eye contact, he backed out of the room and out the door. I heard the door click, and something snapped inside me. I picked up my notebook and hurled it an unknown target. It smashed into my glass vase, which immediately shattered.
My heart followed suit.
