It had been a typical day: a few minor photo shoots, quick radio interviews and a few times when my band mate and I had to run away from a group of screaming girls through the busy streets.
It was a typical day, only it wasn't... something had happened to me that changed my life forever, or so it seemed to... proof is, to this day I still look back on it and wonder whether it really meant anything or not...

It was August, 1998 as I remember clearly. We (Savage Garden) had just finished doing three shows in the city of Detroit; a long day indeed and I was tired out of my mind.
On the other hand, Darren (my band mate and close friend) was as hyped up as he had been during the performances. It didn't surprise me though, Darren had always been like that and I'll never understand how he manages to maintain that energetic pace without ever tiring down.
He bounced up to me the way he always did when he was excited and exclaimed that he, along with the rest of the band, was going out to supper to celebrate the fact that we had hit the one-million-albums-sold mark today.
I was excited about it but not as much as he was.
He had a more open way of expressing his joy while I'm more of an introvert. But, of course I went out for our celebration meal all the same.

After the meal, as expected, we went to a bar to drink up all the excitement and got even more happy than we were already.
What surprised me was the fact that Darren was also drinking with us... he *never* drank alcohol and that was the first time I had seen him down two beers in 20 minutes! Not even *I* can do that...
He became really giddy, started to dance on the tables and was singing out our latest single "Truly" really loudly so that everyone in the bar could hear him... not that any of us minded, it was actually quite amusing to watch...

Afterwards, we all went back to the hotel we had been staying at and crashed into our own rooms, relieved to see an empty bed waiting for us.
I had been exhausted by then and just wanted to go to bed and sleep off all the alcohol but Darren surprisingly burst into my room, giggling like a madman.
I told him to lower his voice because he was bound to wake the others up but he wouldn't listen... he was too wasted by then to listen to me.
He slammed my door closed and began to jump on my bed in a child-like way, whooping.
With a smile, I shook my head amusedly and told him to leave and to get some sleep but once again, he ignored me and continued to jump around my room hyperly.
I grabbed him gently by his shirt and shook him, hoping that I would get through to him, but he was so drunk that his giggling overpowered the low volume of my voice.
"Darren!" I then yelled at him impatiently. "You're as wasted as hell, would you please go to your room and get some sleep? I'm really tired and I don't feel like dealing with you... especially since you're like *this*..."
He giggled again like a giddy teenaged girl and fell to the floor in a fit of drunken laughs.
By now I was extremely fed up and all I wanted was for Darren to leave me alone in peace so I could finally get some sleep; it had been too long of a day to start dealing with this...

What he did next surprised me the most. He stood up quickly and planted those lips of his onto mine and before too long I could feel his slippery tongue exploring the inside of my mouth in a curious and drunken way.
I couldn't help but give in to the kiss, besides, as much as I didn't want to admit it, I was enjoying it immensely.
Grabbing me by my arms, Darren then pinned me against the wall and held me there while he unbuttoned his shirt with his left hand. He was unbelievably strong; stronger than I had ever imagined.
I was stunned to see him standing there naked after some minutes which seemed to flash by in a blur.
He was panting loudly and kept saying my name over and over in a lustful voice.
I couldn't take it much longer, I couldn't hold myself back from pouncing him... he looked so divine the way he was standing there, begging for me hungrily.
It went straight to my head and I began to kiss him with all the passion I had in me.
He moaned loudly as I did this and that only made me want him more.

I couldn't believe that it was happening at the time... there we were, my band mate and I, kissing passionately - him naked in the middle of my hotel room.
It all seemed so odd... and it *was* odd... Darren and I had never even *hugged* each other, and now we were *this* close to doing more than that... it was all too much to take at once... or so it seemed...

Slowly he placed his tongue on the base of my sweaty neck and let it run all the way up its length, so gentle his touch, so peaceful... and wonderfully longing.
I shuddered each time his hands brushed against my body and I moaned each time he kissed me. In a way, I was under his command even though *I* was the sober one...

I was all too dizzy and tired to stop him, even though I knew and felt that this was wrong... it was wrong because he wasn't *sober*. What was happening between us probably meant absolutely nothing to him at all... but he kept on with it. Secretly, I wanted this more than anything...

In a rush of strong desire, he ripped the shirt I was wearing off of me. The buttons fell quickly to the floor, one after another. Both he and I were stunned at this, but didn't stop to think about it... God, he was so crazy... I can still remember the look in his eyes, so powerful and wild, like a wolf ready to devour its prey... it was all so unlike the Darren I knew so well.

Without hesitation, he pulled the shirt completely off me and got down on his knees where he began to quickly unzip my jeans that were becoming tighter on me each second that passed; It was quite the relief to be freed of their confinement.
He must have really been pleased at the sight of my erection because as soon as he felt it, his eyes grew even wilder... this, in the least, thrilled me, and I wanted him badly.

Impatiently, he tugged on my pants, letting me know that he obviously wanted them off *now* at this moment, and I wasn't about to argue. Sheepishly, I pulled my pants down around my legs as if this were a stage act and he was the audience... though he was going to make contact with what was *under* my pants...

Anxiously, I took hold of his lovely set of hair and as gently as I could, I pulled his face (more like his mouth) towards my throbbing erection, dying to feel his moist lips take me to heaven in an instant, which I knew he was going to do...

With an impish grin, he closed his eyes tightly and parted his lips in the most heavenly way. Before he made contact with me, I could already imagine the feeling of his mouth devouring me whole... I was shivering before he even touched me. He must have sensed my nervousness and excitement because he hushed me and told me that he was going to be gentle... gentle indeed...

He was so gentle that it almost felt natural! I couldn't believe it... his wild little tongue was curling around my great length and yet I could barely feel it... oh, I could *feel* it, though it felt so... meant to be... so absolutely natural as if every man was supposed to experience this... and, I was now beginning to think that every man *should*...

I pulled his lovely mouth over me several times but I didn't want to appear as begging... but God, I couldn't get enough of him, his burning lips that slid so nicely on me... I knew I was gonna let myself go soon... I could feel it building up inside of me quickly...

He knew, yes, he knew alright... to bring me to my release quicker, he picked up his pace... suddenly his mouth became like a pounding machine, over and over my hard, pulsing flesh... I banged my head back against the wall as I felt my climax approaching... oh, it came out all so nice... flowing into his satisfied mouth... it was over... it was over...

Breathing hard, we both fell against each other on the ground, our bodies tightly holding on to one another, stunned at what just happened... well, at least *I* was stunned... I couldn't tell with Darren because I wasn't sure whether he was still drunk at that point or not...

I remember looking him directly in the eye, looking for some kind of sign or signal as to whether or not he was sober... it was near impossible though, he just laid his sweet little head down on the ground as soon as he saw me looking at him... maybe he had been embarrassed... he had a reason to be. The strange part was that I wasn't the least bit nervous nor embarrassed...

I mean, *I*, Daniel Jones, had just let a man who was my best friend and band mate, give me the best blow job ever (hell, that had been my *only* blow job ever!), and I wasn't even feeling the least bit weird or awkward... I kept telling myself that it never really happened, but Darren lay there, still panting from the excitement... it was kind of hard to pretend that nothing had happened...

"Darren?" I said, unsure of how to go about it. "Um, what was all that for...?"
He looked up at me and with a grin he looked back down.
Damn, how I wanted him to just look at me for *more* than a second!
"I'm not sure..." He replied somewhat cluelessly.
"You're not sure?!" I asked, half angry.
He laughed lightly. "Why, you didn't like it?"
And God, the look he gave me when he asked that suddenly made me want him again. "It's not that... I just wanted to know... are you still drunk?" I asked hesitantly.
And *why* was I being hesitant? I was afraid to hear him say that he *was* in fact still wasted, and that all that had been a spontaneous fling...

I waited there in silence for an answer but before I realized, he had fallen asleep. His head tucked under those strong arms, sleeping.
I had been both frustrated and relieved... frustrated that I never got an answer and relieved for the same reason... I knew that I had to sleep also...

So now, here I am today, looking back on that one night in August of 1998, still wondering whether what had happened between Darren and I had meant anything to him or not... whether it meant anything to *me* or not... I'm just not sure...

It's hard not to think back on it, and I certainly have never mentioned it to Darren, still too afraid of what he would say... but yet I wonder ceaselessly... day after day, night after night... does Darren really like me the way he acted that night...? Or does he not even remember any of it...? *I* sure remember it all, almost too clearly...

Even though I wish I knew what the answer was, I guess I'll just have to move on and try my best to forget about it... it's gonna be tough, but what else can I do about it?
I wonder though, God, how I wonder...