Better That Way by Stephie

(Disclaimed: 'Angels Would Fall', Melissa Etheridge)

*
The rope that's wrapped around me
Is cutting my skin
And the doubts that have surrounded me
Are finding their way in
I keep it close to me
Like a holy man prays
In my desperate hour
It's better that way
*

A lot of people cried at your wedding.

They were tears of happiness, I'd suppose. I wanted to cry.

But my tears wouldn't have been for joy.

So I just stood there, watching you, my trademark grin brushed across my face, and jealousy and many, many other emotions mixing around behind that smile. And afterwards I kissed the bride, your new wife, and wished you both the best of luck, as everyone else did. I got drunk that night and led a rousing chorus of "Louie Louie," but we all just kind of mumbled through it, as no one really knows the words.

Then, I caught you by the door on your way out. I hugged you and said good luck. You smiled, and that was it.

It was better that way, anyway.

I do like my heart in one piece.

*
So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be such a very good friend
Have mercy on my soul
I will never let you know
Where my mind has been
*

I really don't know what it is that attracts me to you. A certain brightness, an innocence that makes up your charisma. Something intangible but wholly there. The thing that makes me want to touch you and breathe your scent.

But whenever I'm near you, a dull, wonderful ache spreads through me and I know exactly what makes you so beautiful. Though I can never recall the feeling and the moment and the reasons afterwards, when I lie awake in bed, thinking about you. I can only think of tastes of it, and wonder exactly about the flavor of your lips and skin.

You really don't know the embarrassment of fantasizing about your own best friend. Sometimes I indulge and let my mind run wild, and later berate myself for ever thinking that way about you. But I never can help myself. Who wouldn't want to touch your silky black hair, stroke that soft pale skin, brush against your dark eyelashes and end at the perfect lips on your face? Then just let my own lips follow my hand...kisses, sighs, murmurs, moans. Tender gentleness, hot and passionate, as delicate and as excited as my mind can make them...but my fantasies never come true, no matter how much I want them to.

What glorious flavors you must be.

*
Angels never came down
There's no one here they want
To hang around
But if they knew
If they knew you at all
Then one by one the angels
Angels would fall
*

Sometimes I feel idiotic, keeping these feelings for you, rather than flooding them away from my heart and keeping them as a memory.

I never do, though. I can't let them go. I can't let you go. Because whenever I even try to bring it up to myself, such utter despair sets in, as though I couldn't live without these feelings, and all the tears that come alongside.

I couldn't live with the numbness. Which is exactly what is seems like.

So I simply stumble along, letting myself love you. Wondering about everything. And I don't let myself think of the moments without you as empty. Only that the time in your presence is more full.

Infinitely more so.

*
I've crept into your temple
I have slept upon your pew
I've dreamed of the divinity
Inside and out of you
I want it more than truth
I can taste it on my breath
I would give my life just for a little death
*

And then, one night, you called me, and said, almost breathlessly, "Colby and I are going to separate."

Emotions began to swirl around me. Sadness. Anger. And I'm ashamed, a thread of hope pulled itself up about the indignity of this. This little bit rose into my throat, and I let it out. "Why?"

"It...it's so hard to explain..." I heard your voice catching.

"Come over," I said.

"But...Jonsey...it's 3 am..." And I shrugged, even though you couldn't see it.

"Come over." And you did, and when you arrived, I pulled you close to me and let everything leak out as I held you. I let my warmth surround you and comfort you. And it was good, for a little while.

As long as I could make it be.

*
So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be just a very good friend
I will not look upon your face
I will not touch upon your grace
Your ecclesiastic skin
*

So I sit here, pushing back the wave of sadness threatening to take over. I push back the anger, the joy, and everything in between.

And just for a moment, I enjoy it. Nothing.

Then I let everything crash back down. My eyes become wet, I blink back the tears.

And I wonder.

I wonder why I hurt so much.

And why I bother.

And why I ever even began to love you.

And why I ever thought I could live without you.

There is no answer. Not that I ever expected any.

Then, I think that tomorrow is a new day.

And that I love you.

But you will never know.

And it's better that way.

*
I'll come by and see you again
I'll have to be a very good friend
If I whisper they will know
I'll just turn around and go
You will never know my sin...
*