If You Only Knew by SG

(Disclaimed: 'If You Only Knew' off the tv show California Dreams)

The phone rang three times before the answering machine picked it up.

"Darren, I know you're there. Pick up the phone. Do not make me come over there. You know I will."

Darren sighed. She would. He knew that if he didn't answer the phone right then that within the next fifteen minutes Leonie was sure to appear at his front door demanding to know what was wrong with him and why wasn't he taking her calls.

"Hey, Leo," he said sullenly.

"I knew it. Look, the interview for today has been cancelled like you wanted. Are you going to tell me what all this is about?"

"No."

"Darren, I can't help you if I don't know what the problem is," she insisted.

"I appreciate the concern, Leo, but there's nothing you can do anyway. Thanks for taking care of everything. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"I...Yeah. I guess."

"Bye."

Darren hung up without waiting for her answer. He knew she was just trying to help, but he didn't want to talk about it. Leonie had no idea what today was. He wasn't even sure she'd care if she knew.

The way she'd been acting lately, you would have thought that Daniel had broken up with her, not him. Just her overprotectiveness at work, Darren assumed.

He knew it was naively optimistic to think that he would hear from Dan today, but he couldn't help thinking that maybe...just maybe, he would still believe that today was as important as Darren did.

He wasn't going anywhere today. He would stay right here until he was positive that Daniel wasn't going to call.

~*~*~

An hour later he was sitting on the floor, a deck of cards spread out in front of him, half way through a game of solitaire.

He glanced at the clock, only to see that the minute hand had only moved three or four spaces since the last time he'd looked.

"Get a grip, Darren. It won't be the end of the world if Daniel doesn't call."

He was trying to believe that, but if he was completely honest with himself he was still hoping that Dan would change his mind. Not about the band. Darren knew he had been miserable, and that was the last thing he wanted. He wanted Dan to change his mind about them. To give them a second chance.

Darren had never tried to convince Dan to stay. He didn't want Daniel there out of guilt or some misplaced loyalty. He wanted him there because he wanted to be. Darren tried to believe that Daniel needed him as much as he needed Dan.

He knew that was wishful thinking, but there were some days when he just couldn't go on if he honestly thought that Dan didn't miss him.

The phone rang, startling Darren out of his deep reverie. He stared at it a second as if forgetting how to answer a phone, before grabbing it.

"Hello?"

The split second he spent waiting for the answer to come across the line felt like an eternity.

"Darren? How are you?"

"Leo, what do you want?"

"I just wanted to check on you. You've really got me worried you know."

"I can't talk right now, okay?"

"Darren, please..."

Click.

It was the second time today he'd hung up on her, and he knew that she was really going to give him hell when he saw her next.

But he didn't care.

~*~*~

Daniel watched as the movers packed the last box in the back of the moving van, waved an acknowledgement to him, and drove off.

His girlfriend of the past four or five months, he really didn't remember how long they'd been trying to carry on the charade, had left over an hour ago so she would be there when the movers arrived at her new place.

Daniel walked back into his house and shut the door. He wasn't exactly happy she was gone, more like relieved. Now neither one of them had to pretend that there was anything at all left between them.

There hadn't been in awhile, if ever.

He guessed he'd first realized something was really wrong when she had flirted with Ben, and it didn't bother him at all. In fact, he was all ready wishing then that he could send her with Ben.

It had been awkward seeing Ben. He didn't mention Darren, and Daniel purposely avoided the subject. But it was there bubbling just below the surface, barely concealed beneath the small talk and idle chatter.

Darren. Daniel wondered if he was thinking about him today. If he even remembered what today was. He hoped that he did, but he wasn't really holding his breath. Darren had never been great at dates to begin with, and this was probably one he wanted to forget.

Daniel's mind kept drifting back to the last time he'd seen Darren. There hadn't been any big goodbye scene. It had just been understood that that was it. It was over and they wouldn't be seeing each other for awhile. They both needed time apart to think and heal and move on with their lives.

Daniel hoped Darren had had more success with that than he had.

Daniel knew that he had let Darren down in so many ways. Not that Darren had ever said that. But he didn't have to.

He glanced at the phone, but quickly shook his head.

"I don't have any right to call him and drag all that back to the surface. He's better off without me."

~*~*~

Darren glared at the phone.

"Ring," he muttered, softly. "Ring, damn you."

Daniel had to remember what today was. Even though they had broken up, they still cared about each other.

"Hayes, you're losing it. You are talking to inanimate objects. This has got to stop..."

"And talking to yourself is much better?"

Darren didn't even bother to turn around.

"I thought you understood that I didn't want to see anyone today?"

"I didn't know that applied to me. Now tell me what's wrong," Leonie said, moving around in front of Darren and sitting in the chair across from him.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Does this have something to do with Daniel?"

"No...why?"

"Darren," she said patronizingly, "I think it does. Why can't you just forget about him?"

He stared at her for a minute.

"You just don't get it do you? I love him. I will always love him. Nothing can change that. Nothing."

Leonie was actually speechless.

"I'm sorry, Darren. I..."

"Look, forget it, Leo. I'd really just like to be by myself for awhile."

"All right, but promise me you'll call if you need anything," she answered, standing up and patting him on the shoulder.

"Yeah...okay."

Leonie let herself out, calling a goodbye as she closed the door.

"You could call him," Darren reminded himself. He debated that for a few minutes before deciding against it. It had to be Daniel's choice.

"Come on, Daniel. I know you remember. You always remember."

Darren closed his eyes and tried to imagine what Daniel was doing at that exact moment, but found it impossible. It had been too long. He almost felt like he didn't even know Dan anymore.

He wondered if he was still seeing what's-her-name. Ben had told him that he didn't think it would last, but Darren hadn't been sure if Ben was telling the truth or adding that for his benefit.

"Danny, please call. Please."

~*~*~

Daniel sat up on the couch, gasping for breath and covered in a cold sweat. He ran a hand through his hair and realized he was shaking.

"Calm down, it was just a dream."

But it was so much more than that. It was his worse nightmare. Nothing could be worse that finally getting up the nerve to call Darren and have him hang up on him. Not that he deserved any better.

Daniel reached out to touch the phone, only to jerk his hand back as if it had burned him.

"You can't possibly call him. Not now."

He didn't want to call Darren. He couldn't imagine how much it would hurt, not only himself, but Darren as well. He couldn't be that selfish. Yes, he needed to hear his voice. But at what cost? Daniel wasn't sure he could do it.

Daniel paced around the room, weighing the consequences.

"Call him or not?" He muttered.

Before he could make up his mind, the phone rang.

"Hello?" He asked hopefully.

"Danny? How's things?"

"Ben. Hi."

"You sound disappointed. Were you expecting someone else?"

"No, I just thought it might be...No."

"Thought what? Go ahead."

"It's stupid."

Dan sat down in a chair and pulled out a cigarette as he talked to Ben.

"Too stupid to tell me?" Ben asked with disbelief.

Dan had to laugh. "Okay, I thought it might be Darren."

Ben suddenly grew quite and serious. "Why don't you call him?"

"I don't know, Ben."

"Trust me, Daniel. Call him. You won't regret it."

"You sound like you know something...what?"

"Call Darren. Promise me you'll call."

"I...I'll think about it, okay?"

"I'm gonna let you go. Now do it before you back out," Ben ordered.

"Bye, Ben."

~*~*~

Darren jumped when the phone rang, some of the hot coffee he had just poured into his mug sloshing out over the side onto his hand.

"Ow! Damn it! Shit!"

He continued muttering obscenities under his breath as he reached for the phone with his good hand, holding the injured one to his chest.

"Hello?"

If it was Leonie, he was going to kill her.

"Darren?"

His hand instantly forgotten, he stood there in shock.

"Daniel?"

"Yeah. How...how are you?" He stuttered.

"You remembered," Darren whispered softly.

"Of course...I was afraid that you'd forgotten."

"Never."

"So...Are you doing okay?"

"I...It's really good to hear from you."

"That's good. I, um, I was really nervous about calling you," Daniel admitted.

"What? Why?" Darren questioned.

"I wasn't sure you'd want to talk to me."

"Oh, Dan."

"In fact, if I hadn't talked to Ben, I might not have called."

Darren made a mental note to thank Ben for sticking his nose in where it didn't belong.

"You talked to Ben?"

"Yeah. But I got the impression that you'd been talking to him, too."

"Well, off and on. We've kept in touch."

"Yeah."

"Listen to us. How are you? Are you okay? Is everything okay?"

"Fine. Everything's fine."

"Are you still seeing...sorry, what was her name?"

"No, actually, I'm not. She moved out today."

"Oh...I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm not. She just wasn't..." Daniel trailed off. He couldn't say "she just wasn't you".

The pause grew longer and more awkward.

"What about you?" Daniel asked. "Seeing anyone?"

"No. No, I haven't seen anyone since...No."

"Darren," Dan started at the same time Darren said, "Listen, Dan-"

"You go first," Darren insisted.

"I...I was just thinking that maybe we could talk some more...sometime...maybe...I mean, if you want to, that is."

"Sure. I'd like that."

"Really?" Daniel asked with slight disbelief.

"Yeah, really."

"I, uh, I guess I should let you go, huh?"

"Do you have to?"

"What?"

"Can we talk for awhile now?"

"Well...I don't have anything to do. Yeah, sure."

"Thanks."

Darren grinned as he curled up on the couch, phone pressed to his ear. Dan had really remembered the first time they'd told anyone they were a couple. He hadn't forgotten about Darren or what they had had. What they could still have.