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I'm usually fairly calm in a crisis. I can handle those kinds of things when everything seems to happen at once and there are things to say and do in order to fix the problem, but what do you do when it all takes a little longer - what do you do when your life falls apart in slow motion? That's the only way I can describe how I feel tonight. I think maybe the world ended a long time ago and someone forgot to tell me.
It is dark and I am alone in the small house I now call my home. Darren is probably across town at his place happily content in his own little world with absolutely no clue that mine has just shattered. Well, not all of the sudden - like I said this has all been happening for quite a while.
I don't know when it started exactly. I mean I've always been kind of quiet and I do have a habit of keeping my feelings to myself when I don't think that they are anyone else's business. My problems don't concern anyone but me, but somewhere along the way things changed. I went from being quiet and pensive to being distant and eventually I guess I must have pushed people away. I have never had many really close friends, but there have always been people who cared about me - people who called me once a week or emailed me every now and then or stopped to ask me how I was doing when I passed them on the street, but not anymore. Now I am truly alone. But, like I said, that is probably my fault - I guess I pushed them away.
I guess it would get tiresome after a while - asking someone how he is doing and him always answering "Fine" with the same guarded expression on his face. I suppose that eventually you would just give up and stop asking. After all, I was always going to answer the same way. But didn't anyone ever wonder what was behind such a simple response? I can't be fine all of the time can I? And what about the sadness in my eyes? I saw it sometimes in the mirror - how could everyone else have missed it?
I guess I've always had a way of fading into the background. I don't know why exactly, but it just seems like the place where I belong. I like to be involved behind the scenes but I don't enjoy the glitz and the glamour that comes with stardom. I always left that kind of thing to publicists and assistants and Darren.
Despite all of that, I am still a person and there are still certain things I need. I need someone to tell me that I matter - to notice me when I walk into the room - to listen when I talk to them - to ask me how I'm feeling and actually pause to hear my response before continuing the conversation. I need you, Darren.
But you don't know how I feel. That's an understatement. You have no fucking clue. That's probably still an understatement, but it will do for now.
I love you Darren. I think I always have. Now I'm afraid that you don't even know me anymore. How could you, when I hardly know myself? How could you let me push you away too? How could I let myself? I never wanted it to go this far. I never wanted to be all alone.
I don't know when it all started. I don't remember it being a conscious choice. I think I've always been like this - a little on the quiet side, not really a social creature. I've always much preferred a dark room by myself to a room crowded full of strangers. I used to love moments like these when I could just let my mind wander and drift off to some other place or moment in time and be whoever I wanted to be. That was always when the best music would come to me. Notes would dance through my head faster than I could write them down and I would always worry that I would miss them. I always imagined that the most beautiful song had probably danced through my head some day just before I had drifted off to sleep and escaped my memory before the morning.
When did I start to hate moments like these? I guess it was when the dreams started to become nightmares. When the maybe-somedays started to become nevers and the one person I wanted the most became the person I was most afraid of.
It was you, Darren. It's always been you. You mean so much to me and I'm so afraid that someday you will look into my eyes and see what I've kept hidden for so long and you will hate me for it. I'm so afraid that we will lose it all with just a few simple words and I can't bear to risk that so I avoid you as much as possible and I think I have created an even worse problem.
Now I am afraid that you don't even consider me a friend. I am afraid that my life has become a barren string of long forgotten memories that I reach out for in the dark of the night and barely grasp between my fingers before they drift back into my subconscious. I don't know when moments of happiness became so precious and rare. Now I keep them locked away like precious glass ornaments wrapped tightly so that they will not break. Thin, crystalline objects that might shatter at the slightest touch because they are such a contrast to my clumsy hands.
Help me, Darren. Somebody. I just can't do this anymore. Please notice. Please care. Please don't let me go. Don't let me slip away.
~finis~
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