Too Many Excuses by PrettyAngel

(Disclaimed: 'I Love You', Sarah McLachlan)

I've always made up too many excuses for not telling anyone that I liked them. When I was still in school and more insecure, I didn't tell some of the girls that I liked them because I was always afraid that they'd reject me and then tell everyone about it. The whole school would know that Daniel Jones, the quiet music freak, tried to ask Josephine or Celeste or Courtney out but got rejected. Not only did I not want the school to know my business, I didn't want them to pay me any attention. I was happy having the attention of my friends and that was it. And even if she did agree to date me, then what if we broke up? I figured it would be too weird seeing her everyday after we went out, and when we were done she would surely then tell everyone what had happened in our relationship. So I did not often tell girls how I felt about them. Girls, you ask? Oh yes, girls and one man, Darren Stanley Hayes.

//I have a smile stretched from ear to ear to see you walking down the road, we meet at the lights, I stare for a while, the world around disappears, just you and me on this island of hope, a breath between us could be miles//

I can still remember the first time I met him. Well of course I can remember, it was the day my heart truly beat for the first time. The day I knew I had found love. After his audition, we talked for a long time and I know I had the biggest smile on my face the whole time we did.

And as clichéd and overused as it sounds, it seemed like the world had disappeared. Hell, it felt that way the second I noticed him in the room. We hit it off so well that I knew I had to have him in my band. Sure, he wasn't the greatest singer, there may have better people who had auditioned than him that day but I knew he had the most talent, the most promise. And he was the one that I had fallen in love with. So he was in the band. And I loved him. But of course, my excuses came into effect so that I couldn't tell him how I felt. The first one was that he was straight, he didn't go for guys. I had quickly found out that he was dating a woman named Colby and they were pretty serious. He thought that he might ask her to marry him.

So there was that excuse. I kept quiet the whole time we were in Red Edge. After we split from the group and lived by ourselves in that tiny one-bedroom apartment, I always had that excuse to tell myself whenever I thought I wanted to tell him. So even though we were cramped together in there, I kept quiet. It was hard, I'll tell you that. Sometimes, when we were too tired to debate over who would take the couch and who would take the bed, we would sleep on the bed together. Still I said nothing, even those mornings when I woke up and found that one of us had moved closer to the other during the night or wrapped an arm over the other. I always had the damn excuse.

After the first tour, Darren and Colby split up and he moved to New York. It was during that time that I realized how much he truly meant to me. Sure, I had known that I was in love with him way before that but I had always gotten to see him almost everyday. Now he was halfway across the world. It wasn't like I could just jump in my car for a while and drive for a bit and be at his house or knock on the hotel door next to mine and see him. I realized I was truly, madly, deeply in love with him. Me, using Darren's beautiful lyrics to describe my love for him. Odd.

//Let me surround you my sea to your shore, let me be the calm you seek//

It was hard for me but later I realized how much harder it was for him. Because every time I was down, I could go see a friend or my parents or one of my brothers. Or even visit a spot that brought back good memories from my youth. Darren had none of that. He was all alone in the city, no place or no one to give him comfort. But he didn't tell me how much he was hurting until later, when we were together again. I wonder why he didn't. Maybe he didn't want my pity. Who knows. But after he told me, I reread the lyrics to 'Crash and Burn' and my heart just felt so bad and my mind screamed at me for being so oblivious. Why hadn't I thought of how lonely he would be without anyone? And I hurt because I wanted to be the one to sing 'Crash and Burn' to him when he was at his loneliest, darkest hour.

I wanted to be the one to cheer him up, not Jakob.

Oh yes, Jakob. Darren met him in the city and I suppose he was the one who brought him out of his loneliness. And this leads to my second excuse for not telling Darren how I felt about him. I was afraid of how it would affect our work. I had a new excuse now, since I couldn't rely on the old one of him not liking guys. Jakob was Darren's first male lover. I was jealous when I found out about him. I wanted to be his first male lover damnit! I suppose I should be glad that he lifted Darren out of his depression and in a way, I am. I just wanted to be the one that did.

Of course, while Jakob was doing just that to my Daz, I had no idea that he was depressed in the first place. Now, about my excuse. In the old days, when I was still using the first excuse, the one about him not liking guys, the thought had been in the back of my mind. But I didn't think about it enough to bring it to the forefront of my thoughts; I was too caught up in believing that Darren didn't get the hots for guys.

When Darren first told me about him, he seemed very nervous. Putting myself in his place, I could see why. Here he was, telling me he had found someone who had gotten him over Colby and over his loneliness and that someone was a man named Jakob. Jakob with a K. What kind of a fucked up way of spelling Jacob is that, anyway? Yeah, I know that sounds jealous and irrational and you're right, it is. Darren had slept in the same bed as me, maybe he expected me to freak out, saying 'Oh my god, I slept in the same bed as a fucking fag!' or something like that. But I didn't, of course. How hypocritical would that be of me? I think maybe Darren was surprised how calm I took it. I am too, but in a different way. I'm surprised I was able to stay calm knowing he had a male lover who was not me. He was surprised that I stayed calm knowing he had a male lover, period. I've never had a problem with gays, never known why people feel it's so wrong for two people of the same sex to love each other. I always felt that way, even when I was straight. And after I fell for Darren, well of course I felt the same way. How could I not, being in love with another male myself?

Well, maybe I shouldn't be saying gay, because I myself was bisexual. That is, I was still very much attracted to other women but I knew that the only person I could imagine spending the rest of my life with was Darren. And Darren? Well he told me that he was bi but as far as I know, he was never with another woman after Colby. Even though I was in love with Darren, I saw other people. Just women. Maybe I was caught up in the illusion that Darren would be my first male lover. I did love some of them, but not the way I loved Darren. Mostly they were just a way to release my sexual frustration and to have companionship. I did feel bad, knowing I was using them like that, but I couldn't help it.

So now I had my excuse of work getting in the way and that he was already with someone else. It wasn't like I could exactly tell Darren, 'Hey I'm glad you're back and glad to know that you like guys and are currently involved with one, because I'm in love with you!' I could never do that to him. And anyways, say we did get involved. What if someone from the press found out? Our careers might be over. Or say we were together and then we broke up? Maybe we wouldn't be able create music together anymore. So I kept silent.

//Oh and every time I'm close to you, there's too much I can't say and you just walk away//

Still, sometimes I did almost tell him. Maybe he saw the look on my face because he would ask, 'Do you have something to say Jonesy?' in that voice of his that could be so innocent one minute and the next sound like, well I don't know what. But not something innocent.

But I still wouldn't say anything about it and he would walk away and I'd stare after him, watching how he unconsciously moved his hips as he walked, how nice his arse looked.

After the tour was over, Darren went to his new home, San Francisco. Yeah, San Fran, the big gay town. And I went back to Australia without ever telling him how I felt. And I had no more excuses. I knew he liked guys. Our work wasn't an issue anymore either. After the Affirmation tour, we told the world that we were separating a little bit for a while to try new things and we'd talk about maybe doing another Savage Garden album in a few years. But Darren and I both knew that that was never going to happen. One night, we agreed that this was it. After a few years, when/if people were still asking about another album from the two of us, then we'd say that we had decided to go our separate ways permanently. That's what we decided but we never told anyone, not the people at our record label when we told them we were taking a break, not the band, not Leonie. We didn't even tell our families. I suppose when people started asking if the split was permanent, we could have told them yes and maybe gone out with a bang. Maybe then more people would have come to the last shows, knowing they would never see the two of us together again. But we never wanted it that way. If people didn't come to our concert when we were in their hometown, oh well. Too bad if they found out later that we wouldn't be coming there again. Should have seen us when you had the chance. Sorry if I sound cocky and arrogant, but that's just the way I feel. Maybe we were just stringing our fans along by having them believe that there might be another Savage Garden album from us one day, but that's what we did. Also, we decided that if we changed our minds and wanted to make another album together, we could do so. It wouldn't be such a big deal because the band would still technically be together.

So I didn't have the work excuse anymore. And what was that other one, about me not telling him because he was seeing someone? Well that excuse was out the door too. Darren and Jakob had broken up eventually. He'd seen a few other guys but none were too serious and none lasted longer than two months. So he wasn't seeing anyone and neither was I.

//I grieve in my condition for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so//

I had no excuse anymore. And yet I still didn't tell him. Maybe it was one of my first excuses coming back to haunt me, the fear of being rejected. I didn't tell him and now I was the lonely one.

I didn't go to see my friends and family like I did before, or special places from my life. Instead I stayed in my house and thought about Darren. I remembered all the times we had had together.

Us meeting.

The two of us writing songs in that awful apartment.

Our first concert.

Him telling me his marriage was over.

Him telling me he had met a guy.

Him rubbing against me during a concert.

Him comforting me when being on tour, away from home, got to me too much.

The whole band hanging out after a concert in someone's room.

The two of us exchanging a nervous glance before walking onstage to play at the Olympics. All of that, and so much more.

I felt so utterly alone, even though, ironically enough, Darren was closer to me than the first time he left Australia, in a physical sense at least.

I think it was because I realized that there wouldn't be a real reason to send him emails everyday. I had the excuse of sending him the music to the newest song I wrote before and I could always write something in the message part of the email. No real reason to call him anymore either.

Now, don't get me wrong. I could still call him and email him once in a while, maybe even fly over to the States if I felt like it. After all, we were friends. And he could do the same. But there was no guarantee that he'd be back in six weeks to do a photo shoot or in three weeks for us to tie up the loose ends on some songs before we recorded them. I was lonely and so I threw all my energy into producing a new group called Aneiki. I don't know if Darren was lonely or not, after all he did have Leonie there with him, but I do know that he worked very hard on his solo album. I got this much from the few times that we talked.

And then it happened. It's funny, the two days I remember the most are the day that I met Darren and the day that he died. I woke up, took a shower, had breakfast and left for the studio. We, the band and the other producers and everyone involved in the album and I did some good work. I left a little early, at five, because I was supposed to take one of my dogs to the vet.

As I drove home, I thought about Darren, as usual. I had decided that I was going to finally tell him how I felt. The band was taking a two week break recording and I had decided to fly over to see Darren and while there, I was going to tell him. A smile spread across my face; I was glad that I was finally going to be rid of the heartache of not being able to tell him.

Who knows, maybe he would tell me he had thought of me the same way or even if he hadn't, maybe he would now. No matter what happened, I was sure to be okay. Even if those two didn't happen, I didn't think that Darren would be angry. I was sure that we would still be friends, no matter what happened during my visit.

Then the radio changed it all. A song had ended and someone had begun to recite the news. I was just about to change the station when the D.J. said,

'Last night an earthquake of 5.5 on the Richter scale hit San Francisco. Many buildings are destroyed, at least 200 people are known to be dead and many more are still missing.' And that was when my life ended.

I still don't exactly remember what happened after that. I suppose I must have pulled off the road I shock and then somehow made it home. All I could think of was of Darren. Oh god what if he was dead? Or trapped under a building?

Somehow, I found out he was dead.

The night before his funeral, I took a long walk, shivering, more from the inside than from the night air. I knew that as long as I lived, I would never be warm or happy again.

At his funeral, I tried to say something, to tell everyone how he was my best friend in the world, how much he meant to me. But I couldn't. Darren was always the articulate one, not me.

//And I forgot to tell you I love you//

When I stepped out of the church, I had that feeling that I had left something inside. You know that feeling you get when you just know you're forgetting something but can't remember for the life of you? That's the feeling I got.

It wasn't until I was home again, looking at a photo of the two of us standing together that I remembered what I had forgotten there. I had forgotten to tell him that I loved him.