Laundry Detergent by mandm

"I've been talking about fabric softener all day." ~ Darren

I can't believe it. They're arguing about laundry detergent with you. While you're lying there, as pale as the sheet covering you, they're debating the best brand to get out stains. They're having a whole conversation about what type of fabric softener gets your clothing the softest. And you're actually listening and giving your input. You're telling them, with a casual expression, that your'e allergic to the Tide brand (something about additives in the perfume) and that the no name brands leave your clothing stiff. Is the world getting more messed up, or is it just us?

I had to laugh. I mean, it's fucking funny to listen to them. To listen to them complain and compare. Laundry detergent and fabric softener. Who would have thought it would come down to that? Actually, I didn't have to laugh, but laughing is better than crying. And crying is something that I've done enough of lately. I don't want to do any more. Besides, they've seen me cry enough recently.

Everyone looked at me like I was nuts when I started laughing. Well, maybe I am. You're fucking dying and we're talking about laundry detergent like it's the most important thing in the world. I don't think I can take much more of this this casual clothing cleaning conversation. I know I'm going to crack. I can feel it. I can only pretend to be calm for so long. It only depends on how long until you pull that trigger and set me off.

It's not fair. Why you? Why now? Just when things were starting to get really good between us again. Youd had your time off from me and my dramas. There has been plenty of time for you to work on your music and really be a musician - not a pop star. There was time for that awkward realisation that I indeed loved you. That you did love me back. That maybe, just maybe, we were meant to be together after all.

But not enough time for us. Just us. Why?

You're watching me, from where you're lying on the bed. I think you're the only one who has noticed that I'm unable to sit still, to stand still, or to even remain in one spot. Sometimes I think you know me too well. Nerves, fear, whatever it is, has got me on the move. I started out sitting, and then my legs started jiggling. I get up and move, to the window. Not much of a view out. Not that it matters, really. Then I'll find myself sitting again. Or pacing. I guess I'm waiting for someone to say jeez, Darren. Sit down! but nothing comes. No one else seems to know that I exist anymore. I'm surprisingly fine with that.

No matter who's talking it's you that I'm watching. I know that it's horrible manners but I can't seem to take my eyes off of you. The fear that I'll not be able to look at you again is overwhelming. You know it too. You've noticed that my eyes never really leave you. Sure I'll glance away but my eyes will return mere seconds later. As long as I'm in the same room you captivate me. Even when you're telling Leonie about the time your mum used Tide on your underwear, that it was so itchy and everyone's laughing. It's just something about you.

I don't want to lose that.

Fuck, I don't want to lose you. I've finally realised what the best thing about me is. You. No ifs ands ors or buts about it. I'm scared and you're just as scared as I am. Maybe more, although you seem to be dealing better. Maybe you're just in denial. No one wants to die especially someone who loves life as much as you do. I'm scared of living without you. I don't know if I can. More importantly, I don't know if I want to.

I keep trying to convince myself that it's not my fault. Even though that little voice in my head keeps telling me that I should have made you go to the doctor when you first started coughing. That I shouldn't have let you convince me that it was nothing. That I should have made you quit smoking when we first met. That I should have done something, anything at all. Then I wouldn't feel guilty. It didn't help that the doctor told us that had it been caught early, you might have actually had an excellent chance.

But I didn't, did I? And now I've got this guilt and you're still dying.

I've shattered the illusion I created in my head. The illusion that nothing was wrong. The illusion that I'd wake up from this horrible nightmare with you there to hold me and to tell me that it was nothing more than a dream. That everything would turn out with a fairytale - like happy ending. But that's not going to happen, is it?

Your eyes are on me. I can feel your gaze even though I've got my head buried in my hands. Don't worry darling, I'm not crying. Not yet anyway. I'll give you that reassuring smile that you're looking for. For you that's a sign that I'm okay. But I'm not okay. You smile back in an effort to reassure me. Its a flirty one. You're still flirting with me. Even though you've got to be in a hell of a lot of pain. Even though you're weak as a new-born kitten. Even though your smile can hardly be seen from under that hazy oxygen mask.

Do you know how much I love you? I don't think I've told you often enough.

I want to be able to wake you up with sweet kisses each morning. I want to hold you in my arms and listen to your steady breathing forever. I want to place my hands on your neck and gently knead the muscles until the tension dissipates. I want to feel the pain leave your body and I want to be the one to take it away. I want to be the one who comforts you, although when you cry I lose myself. I want to wrap my arms around your neck and whisper how much I love you in your ear.

I love being close to you. I love you against me as we fall asleep. I love waking up next to you. I love the way you smile sleepily at me - it just blows my mind. I love the way you know when I've had a bad day and do everything in your power to make it better. I love the way you laugh; I love the way you smile. I love your sense of humour and how you know how to work it to your advantage. I love your romantic side.

I love you for who you are. I love the way you make me feel. I love everything about you. There's so much that I love about you that it's impossible for me to put it all to words. Hell, who am I kidding? I just love you. Period. End of story. You're perfection, you know that? Perfection with flaws, but your little flaws make you perfect.

For the rest of my life I will love you. Each day I watch you suffer to still be with me, a little piece of me dies. A piece of my heart is being ripped out. A little piece of me goes to join the little piece of you that's faded away. We'll fade away together, until there is nothing left. You mean the world to me. But that's the way it is and that's the way it should be. I don't make sense without you. I know that I've been wandering around here, lost and trying to get myself together enough so that we can get through this. I can't bear losing you.

But honestly, laundry detergent and fabric softener? You deserve so much more than that. You deserve more than I can offer. More than this world can offer you. Maybe that's why you're leaving me. I don't want you to go.

Shouldn't I be the one wiping away your tears? Always the strong one. Wait for me in heaven. We weren't meant to be apart.