He didn't need this right now. He didn't need the feeling of coldness that was welling up inside him. He wished desperately for the happiness that he had once held so dear to his heart. He didn't need to watch the ceiling go blurry as he tried to steady the in and out pattern of his breath.

It didn't happen.

He stared at the ceiling. Willing it to become the dark night sky or anything other than the cheap crumbling plaster. He wished desperately that the tears would not to start falling. He didn't want to feel the warm tracks the tears made, or the dampening of the pillow beneath his head. He didn't want to cry, to feel as if this was the wrong place to be.

A tear fell. Followed by another. Then another joined the two before until they were indistinguishable tracks down his cheeks. His lover didn't notice from where he sat at the end of the bed, staring at his pile of discarded clothing.

He stared at the back of his lover's head. How long had they been doing this? How long did they think they could keep this from everyone? Would things be the same tomorrow as it was today? Yet, the question that haunted his days and nights was one that he was afraid to find the answer for. Even though, at the point he was at, his life depended on it.

Was he little more than a loveless fling?

His nightmares revolved around those simple words. He'd started this off thinking that he could deal with things if they went wrong. But now he wasn't sure. Now he felt too much. He realised a bit too late that he had sunk his entire heart into this man. His soul and his life were intertwined with each step they took together. With each smile or each jaunt in the bedroom.

What mattered to him more than the man at the end of the bed did? Nothing. He searched frantically in his mind and could think of nothing. Not even freedom from the life that they had created struck him as an ideal that he wished. It scared him, how much of himself he had given to this man. And how much he would give up to have a future with him.

Whether it was sunny or not.

"I love you."

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. He really wished he could take them back. It wasn't that he did not mean them. It was just that it was the first time he'd said them seriously in a long time and those words left an ache in him. An ache that would go away, he was certain, if those words were returned. If not well, he didn't want to think about that.

His lover straightened his shoulders from where he sat. For what seemed like an eternity to both neither dared breathe. The silence was overwhelming and for a moment he could hear the couple arguing in the next room. The sound that filled his ears next was a long drawn-out sigh as his lover removed his pants from the pile on the floor. The pile of clothes that had been torn off in a moment of lust the night before.

Lust, not love.

Repressed sobs tore through his body but he kept them inside, kept quiet. Silence was his enemy, as well as his friend. This was usually the point where he asked his lover to stay. It was a fight which he usually lost. He had heard the excuses all too often and the typical one echoed through his head now. We need to keep up appearances so that no one will suspect what was going on. And it was an excuse that he couldn't fight against. Still, he never let him go without a good fight.

Except this time. If his lover walked out the door again, he doubted that he would be back again. He thought for sure that this is the end. A lone sigh escaped, which sounded to his ears more like a sob. He wasn't sure if his lover heard it or not. He didn't really care.

He just didn't have any fight left in him.

He didn't expect the hesitation at the doorway. He didn't think that it would be hard for his lover to leave. As far as he knew his lover didn't want to be here anymore. As far as he understood the undying love he felt and lived by was little more than a one-way street. He felt no love directed at him from the man at the door who held his heart in his hands.

That thought tore him apart. He couldn't help but hitch a breath. Couldn't stop his shoulders from shaking not from cold but from pure pain. Feelings that he didn't want exploded within him. Shame, embarrassment, fear, desperation and total hopelessness. He felt exposed. Naked, even though he had pulled the sheets up to cover his bare body. Ripped open from the chest. As if he was on stage and everyone was laughing and taunting him.

He couldn't stop the tears, but at this point he didn't want to. He simply didn't care if his lover saw the salty liquid falling from his eyes. His heart was broken, followed by his spirit. Simple as that. He tugged another blanket over his body in an effort to rid that feeling of exposure. To hide from the harsh reality that was smothering him.

His lover's hand touched the doorknob and he surprised himself by calling out, calmly.

"Goodbye."

His lover froze. Goodbye. It was never goodbye that escaped those lips. Never. It was always something more positive, upbeat. Optimistically quirky even. Something like I'll see you tomorrow, beau-ti-ful. or Morning comes quickly, but I'll still miss ya.

From the bed he watched his frozen lover turn very slowly to face him. He watched his lover take in his tears, the way he was clutching the blanket, the way his breath came out in uneven breathes. He expected nothing except for the door to open and his lover to walk out it.

The distance between the bed and the door was covered in a blink. Literally a single blink. One moment he was certain that his lover would be gone and the next he was feeling hands pressing his shoulders gently into the silk shirt that he had bought months ago. Until he was clutching the back of the man he had grown to love so much that it ached.

"It's okay, love. It'll be okay. "

The voice was low in his ear. Unnaturally low and hauntingly raw. He knew that he was being lied to. It wasn't okay. It wouldn't be okay until things were settled and this man who was awkwardly holding him wasn't going to walk out that door. Wasn't going to be leaving him.

He tried to stop the tears from falling down his cheeks. He really did. He didn't want them anymore. He just wanted everything to go away. Time could stop right now. With his lover's arms around him and tears cascading down his cheeks. As long as he forgot why he was hurting, time could stop.

And he'd be eternally grateful just because he was in his arms.

He pressed his tearstained face into his lover's chest and felt him sigh. His lover sighed again and drew away from the warm trembling body that was still in his arms. This wasn't right. It was as far from right was it was near to wrong.

Why he acted this way his lover didn't know. There was no idea in his lover's mind on why the fit he had witnessed had scared him. Goodbye. What was with that? Why goodbye when they'd see each other the next morning? See each other often enough to drive each other insane. To drive each other apart.

His lover had truly believed that things were okay between them. He had believed it too, for a while. Until the late nights had gone from intimate love sessions to frantic, almost crude, fucking. The love in it had disappeared. Even if there had been no love, there was no lust anymore either. Nothing but a pure sexual need for satisfaction.

He wondered if his lover had witnessed the change. He wondered he had even noticed.

He almost missed the soft voice above his ear. Almost, but not quite. Yet, the words his lover uttered burned into his head.

"Things will look better in the morning, I promise."

He could as soon stop the bitter laugh that escaped his lips as he could stop the sun from rising in the far distance. Like fuck they would. For one thing, it was already morning. He could see the lightening of the sky through the open window. Morning had escaped his tightened grasp. Soon the others would be up. Soon there would be some knock on his door. Soon his love would be discovered.

His lover looked away as his laugh filled the air. Looked out the window as he watched him. Taking a deep breath, he looked his lover over, memorising each detail as if this was the last time he'd ever see him. And who knew if it was. The way his toes curled in his socks, his calves pulled at his jeans, the curve of his arse, the way his back flexed after each breath, the light hairs on his neck

The tears spilling down his cheeks.

His hand moved to touch the tearstains on his lover's cheek.

"Don't leave..."

Silence. A slight movement of the head.

"Please don't leave me..."

Silence. More tears rolling simultaneously down both cheeks. On both men.

"You can stay, you know that."

Silence.

"Please, just say something."

Silence.

"I love you."