I Think the Hurt's Set In by mandm

(Disclaimed: 'Last Beautiful Girl', 'Crutch', 'Mad Season', 'Bed of Lies', 'Bent', 'Leave' and 'Stop', Matchbox Twenty)

This will all fall down / Like everything in the world / This too must end / And all of the words we said / We can't take back

Where does one start in the story of how we've ended up where we are now? You would think it would be easiest to start at the beginning. Yet to me, it seems easier to start at the end. The beginning was so long ago that it's scattered itself in my memory. And maybe this is the end anyway. The end to the beginning of the end.

That makes no sense to you, does it? That's all right. Perhaps it wasn't made to make sense to you. I don't think it was written for you. Only me. Not even you can know everything, Darren. All it comes down to is that this is the end. Anyway you look at it - things will never be the same again.

You're supposed to be my best friend Darren.

I'm going to have a little jog down memory lane right now, remembering how it used to be. Remember when we met, how we instantly clicked? You were my soul mate - music wise and friendship wise. It was you and I, setting out to concur the world with nothing holding us back. Clinging on to dreams that we thought were unreachable but still striving to be the absolute best. Even when things seemed hopeless when we were living in a tiny one room flat with next to nothing in the fridge.

We were an inseparable team, you and I, weren't we?

We relied on each other, didn't we Darren? I relied on you to tell me when I was out of line, to tell me if I was pissing you off or various other things. And you relied on me to keep you in line, to stop you from horribly embarrassing yourself, to help you out of the avalanching problems that you had dug yourself into or anything else.

Things changed, which they are supposed to do. I know that and I understand that. Some change is for the better and some isn't - thats a fact. And people change as well. People like you and I. We've gone through a lot of changes - and I don't just mean hairstyles and clothes. Surroundings change. Gone is the cramped (but cosy) little apartment. Replaced with different surroundings in places further away.

You've changed Darren, and I don't know you anymore.

There, I've admitted it. Does that make you feel better, more secure? I didn't know that you had so many personalities. I guess it's your reflex action, it's how you survive in this world that we've built for ourselves. There's no one to blame but us. But you're not the person I once knew. The face looks the same, but there seems to be no hint of the Darren I used to know.

You're a diva - which I've always known. You've always had a dramatic flare in you that you weren't afraid to show. It's a big part of you, surrounded in your own universe. But you used to only be a diva when we were in the spotlight. That was one of my favourite things about you. How you would lavish attention on how I was doing, how things were going in my life, or just me. There was time set aside for the world, time for the others and time just for me.

Don't get me wrong, Darren. It's always been about our friendship as well as the music. I didn't think it was possible to have one without the other. But now I'm starting to wonder. I'm not complaining about being in your shadow. Although it is getting colder in here, and I'm finding it harder to find my way out. Music is what is important to me, not a stage life. I like to keep my life separate from the world. I like my privacy when I need it, and its hard to find it when there are screaming fans all around.

But what do you have when your fame is gone? When there is no one around to worship the ground you walk on? The media loves you now, Daz, but what happens when you get older or washed up? Sure, there will always be people who recognise you, I'm certain of that. There will always be people who are willing to use you for whatever you have to give them. But what about the people youre hurting now? The people whom you used to call friends.

What am I to you now?

Now there's nothing. I'm little more than a causal acquaintance, someone you once knew and nothing more. Conversations existing in safe topics only and sporadically at best - our latest reviews, your latest romance, my latest song or the concert we're prepping for. What happened to those long conversations about nothing and everything all at once? Or those moments spent in silence where no words were exchanged but everything was known?

I've got to admit that I've changed. And I'm still changing, although I don't think you're going to notice any time soon. You don't notice much about me anymore, do you Darren? You see right through me, like I'm nothing more than a ghost. It's unnerving. How many times have you called me recently? I'd bet none, since I don't remember seeing your number on my call display in the past month. And when you do call it's only for a second. Its as if I'm wasting your precious time.

I'm sorry that I seem like such a waste to you. I'm not trying to be, you know. I'm doing the best I can here. In this awkward situation called life mixed with super-stardom. I hate it. Did you even realise that? I hate the way people gawk at me, the way people think they know me. They don't. They can't. If they do, then I won't be anything at all. I'll end up being you. And I don't want that.

I laughed when you not so silently whispered to Leonie that you thought I might be depressed. Gee Darren, why would you think that? Could it be the fact that I just don't tend to your every little whim anymore? Or did you finally notice that I've been getting piss drunk more often. Maybe you actually noticed that I was playing with the butcher knives the last time I was in your kitchen, as I wondered how the metal would feel if it kissed my skin.

I hope I've scared you. I believe you need to be scared here. I'm scared - why shouldn't you be? I know that's quite a sadistic view but it's how I feel. Yeah, Darren - feel. I do that still, you know. More than you'll likely ever realise. Although I don't "feel the love" as often. More likely to feel the anger, feel the hatred, feel the chill that youre radiating off.

Do you ever wonder what our lives would be like if we hadn't met? I'd bet my life that you'd still be a superstar. And I know for a fact that I'd still be in the music business. But we wouldn't be D & D. But here's the real kicker. Do I really care anymore? This break-up thing, maybe it truly is for the best. I can go back to what I love to do - writing and composing music, and you can continue being a star. You shine too bright, and you'll blind everyone. Better be careful Daz.

Maybe. We'll see what happens. But I'm not the same as I used to be. I've changed. And maybe it's not for the better.

And this is how we will end / With you and me bent